Hey D -- I think it's the up and down, the suspicions and questions, the wondering if H's lying or not... all of that is what sucks in my mind. I keep wondering, though, if H said he wouldn't pursue a D but just needed some space, would it be better? I can't tell.
But about last night: it really was a great time. 20 teens showed up and stayed around until 11. The rain did in the bon-fire, but everyone enjoyed the house; sometimes I feel like a weenie, but I get such a boost from the blatent supportiveness of the teens. They come in and tell me how much they love my house, how much they love me, and I feel like a million bucks. How weenie-ish is that?
The house thing is big for me, cause H&me built it in 2005 -- after I had spent 4 yrs designing it so it is really environmentally friendly and is "party" comfortable. It was to be H&my "dream home," so when he dropped the bomb, I was devastated and really started to feel horrible about the house. Having people over again and having them love it gave me a great boost -- so now I'm going to start having parties again!
Today I went and spent three hours doing zen meditation. I'm not a very good Buddhist, but the meditation is soothing and helps me to get out of my head. The "talk" that's part of the whole thing was about how Buddhism embraces the impermanence of everything - that change is the only constant and so meditation is how one sits in that change. OK, so I had trouble not crying after that one...
Then I went and spent my mother's day gift card at B&N for a PRINCE CD -- drove home with Purple Rain blaring and the windows rolled down, and then danced for a half hour on the new deck! In the midst, H came to "borrow" S2 for the evening, and though he didn't say anything about my dancing, I was feeling good and strong. My joke now is that I'm working on my MILF status.
I'm sorry that your day wasn't so good. I know I live for these days when I'm able to put H and any of his variable responses behind me. I keep trying to just GAL and not concern myself with him; oh so much easier said than done. Of course, at B&N's I glanced through a book on ACOAs and intimacy - couldn't just leave well enough alone, right? If that's the sich for H, then the explanation is that he left b/c of his home family's alcoholism, that it isn't about me, and that there's little I can do to win him back. Great! But maybe I need to embrace that and not try to think otherwise, you know? If I stop worrying about winning him back, maybe I'll get my mind around doing these changes just for me!!! (something I say all the time but really don't believe or feel)
Hold onto your own strengths, D. Blame and bitterness doesn't even begin to touch them, but it hurts us like hell. I hope tonight is better and you find the coaster is on its way up a hill once more.
If that's the sich for H, then the explanation is that he left b/c of his home family's alcoholism, that it isn't about me, and that there's little I can do to win him back. Great! But maybe I need to embrace that and not try to think otherwise, you know? If I stop worrying about winning him back, maybe I'll get my mind around doing these changes just for me!!! (something I say all the time but really don't believe or feel)
