Hope you are having a nice weekend. Things are up again/down again on the roller coaster around here. I have been really working on the PMA. After the nice reciprocation of the list on (Wed). Thursday night, I reminded Joey that it was date night (we'd each had our own "night" Tue and Wed, which meant a bit of personal time.) He said he'd rather it be on Fridays and sounded a bit grumpy, but I said that's fine. Sent him a cheerful email saying, "Let's order a pizza...looking forward to you coming home." He loves getting pizza and we used to do this all the time and watch Survivor pre-kids. Night seemed to go fine. I have all my scrapbooking materials spread out in the dining room and kind of wanted to work on it. Since it wasn't date night (felt like I was treading on thin ice here), I asked if he would mind if I worked on it. We were both really tired and he said he didn't mind. He went to bed; I worked a bit and did the same.
Friday night comes. I said that morning, "Know what tonight is?" hugging him goodbye. He said, "[censored]-a-lot Friday?" Looking back now, I should have played along more, but I just kind of said, "Date Night." So fine, day goes on. I notice S1 has white on his tongue. Must be thrush. We call doc, script is supposedly called in. He goes by after work to pick it up and they don't have it. When he gets home, he is seriously pissed and calls doc office and leaves message, awaiting a return call. I had knocked myself out trying to pick up and vacuum the house and looked horrible and was sweating my butt off. I HAD to take a shower before going out to eat/doing Date Night. I hopped in shower just before he got home. When I got out, I was walking around naked and bent over at one point, not his direction though. He said, "You should turn around." The kids were RIGHT THERE, underfoot, cranky, not dressed. I thought we were HURRYING to get out to a restaurant, before it got any later. I was NOT in the mood for advances. I KNEW it would be an issue, so I kind of went silent for a moment, actually trying to think of how to respond. I think I didn't say anything. I stepped on something a moment later, and wanted to look at my foot in the light of the bathroom and somehow he insinuated he wanted to come in with me and shut the door and i got kind of pissy in my response to him because I was trying to get ready, didn't want to have sex, (I'm just being honest) and was thinking about if my foot had glass in it at the time. He seemed stuck on his own thing. So, he's laying there, drinking beers, not lifting a finger to get kids ready. I'm telling him I'm about ready and I look over at him and he is "glowering" if thta's the right word. He looks STEAMED. I honestly did not know what was going on. In retrospect, I can see that I was not very considerate of him, but it seemed SO impractical, right at that very moment. Anyhow, I walked up to him and laid down next to him and said, "What's wrong?" in a sympathetic voice. I knew he was waiting on a call from the pharmacist after trying to find out from the doc what happened to the script. He was staring at the ceiling and said, "I'm angry about a lot of things." I rubbed his arm, said, "Honey, it's ok. Come in the bathroom for a minute." I thought he was stressed about not having the medicine for Sam. He said it really pissed him off. I didn't know it was about me. He said, in a disgusted voice, "No thanks, I don't want a sympathy [censored]!" I felt like I could not win. So, ok, I pull back. Nothing more I could do, I felt. Didn't know what else to do. I suggested the "quickie in the bathroom" because the kids were occupied, unlike earlier.
I think before he left the house, he told me, "I don't know why, but I've got a lot of stuff from the past going on in my head right now." I said I was sorry he felt bad, I think I asked if there was anything he could do. He said no, and kept trying to get away from me.
So, anyhow, all pissed off, we pile in the car to go eat. He is mad as we are driving there, yells at daughter, etc. I try to be the ray of sunshine. When we get there, we are sitting in the car for a minute, kids both asleep. We talk very briefly about it. I said something subtle and supportive, (trying at least) like I feel bad that he's hurting. Let's just try to have a nice evening, etc. He said, "I feel like sloppy seconds, Robin. Not to be crude, but that's just how I feel." I was surprised by his comment, and said in a soft voice, "You know that's not true, you know I'm your girl." He said, not looking at me, "I wish you always had been."
So dinner was REAL FUN! We talked to the kids, but not each other.
I still tried to keep PMA, thinking it would eventually go away. He comes home, says he's very tired, but finishes a project with D. I wait until they are done and help get her ready for bed. He reads to her. I wait in our BR, and wait. He finally comes in, says he fell asleep in there and just wants to go to sleep. We watch a little tv, but when I make a movement towards him, he is cold and not reciprocal. Finally, he says I don't feel like it. I say that I wish I had known that earlier in the evening and he just scoffs. I say, no really, I just wish I had known earlier, because I'm disappointed. You sound like you knew all night and I would have been in the other room doing my own thing.
So that's what I do. I think I somehow make one more move towards him, he says nope. I come into LR intending to scrapbook, but fall asleep on the couch.
This morning, he is still in a funk, very crabby. EVENTUALLY, we talk, he is still VERY pissy, but we kind of work it out. I will try and elaborate on this last part later tonight. He is out with D and should be returning soon. I don't want to be typing when he walks in. Thanks for reading! I feel like a nutcase half the time. I appreciate all the support you guys have given me. OH! And my next appt with my doc is in 2 months, so I will try and find out then what I should be on. I have no insurance, we pay out of pocket and it is expensive to pay for an office visit, so I will likely wait until then. Also, H should be getting a vasectomy soon, so I look forward to my body being hormone-free, even though I have never been one to feel like I experienced mood swings due to hormones, maybe that *is* what's going on somewhat.
