Madonna/Whore Complex Part 4

[OG_Lou]

HW When the ST asked me about my childhood I said - "they did the best they could" and he said, "that's not what I asked,
HW, I burst out laughing when I read that and thought, “BUSTED” just like your H.

Good therapist HW.

Was it their fault? Of course not, but that still doesn't "fix" the broken child inside does it?
Their fault? Well I went to ACOA (Adult Children of alcoholics) for a year and came to the conclusion, some to many parents weren’t given, or in the possession of a full set of parenting skills. So do you/me/we excuse them or say they did the best they could. Then interchange your parents with your position as parents and say the same thing about yourself and spouse.

Given, what they had to work with, how well would you have done, being parents?

I even go so far to imagine I had my parent’s skills and circumstances and BB and I were the parents to my mom and dad, or her mom and dad.

Well, doing some of that what if work in an AA type group helped. I saw several different versions to several people’s “what if.” I saw the fallacies to my thinking that I could have done a much better job than especially my step dad. My mother by herself was kind but my stepfather was controlling and angry most of the time.

I saw that I didn’t have all I needed to be as good a parent as I wanted to be. I saw the reasons why I lacked some parental skills. I saw that I did a better job than my step father, and that was good. I saw I wasn’t a kid and under all of those not so good childhood conditions and in that old environment.

I grew up in a VERY dysfunctional family - poor, too many kids, welfare, father in and out of hospital,
I grew up in a VERY dysfunctional family, last of 7 siblings, lived with my older brother’s family when things got bad with my stepfather, poor, too many kids at my brothers house, welfare, stepfather father had medical problems and didn’t work, He commonly was angry, controlled people around him.

I think we all have that inner child that needs healing - I plan to give mine what she didn't get for many, many years.
Give her some of those things. Also remember the inner child grows up so some wants/needs change.

After you do some inner-child work, read some stories about what other successful people did to heal. One book I read was saying (more or less) “so what if you had a bad childhood. You are an adult now. Don’t let what happened in the past take away form what you want to do now, and in the future.” The book didn’t say, don’t do inner child work. It said do some but get into adult mode where you are in control of your now and your future. It warned about getting stuck in the past.

There is a form of therapy called Imago Therapy . One thought that defines the practice is ” It reveals the emotional dynamics that are being replayed from childhood.”
http://www.therapyct.com/aboutImagoTherapy.html

COG Dad didn’t help out much around the house. In fact he was high pressure so when he came home, I usually tried to find somewhere else to go.
You too? The attic accessed through a small opening in a closet and the basement were inside escapes. The woods, streams and neighbors were other escapes, sometimes till 9PM or later in the summertime.

Mother to Lou, “why didn’t you come home sooner? I was out looking for firewood.” Stepfather “*&^%$#@, You better not do it again or (hand on his belt).

It took several years of ACOA, but most of the emotional feelings are gone from person and that era.

Lou

[Crazy Eddie]

After you do some inner-child work, read some stories about what other successful people did to heal. One book I read was saying (more or less) “so what if you had a bad childhood. You are an adult now. Don’t let what happened in the past take away form what you want to do now, and in the future.” The book didn’t say, don’t do inner child work. It said do some but get into adult mode where you are in control of your now and your future. It warned about getting stuck in the past.

While you don't want to get "stuck" in the past, you do have to identify what lessons that healthy people get in their childhoods that you missed out on, and what bad lessons you got on doing dumb things or believing false things that healthy people aren't subjected to, and get some "remedial education".

Conflict avoidance, extreme anxiety, controlling and manipulative behavior, distancing or hiding behavior, or other types of counterproductive behavior and thought patterns are generally things that the people displaying them have been in the habit of doing since childhood, and at that time there seemed to be a perfectly good reason for acting and thinking that way... reasons that either never existed in reality or no longer apply today. Generally you won't even notice you're doing it, or you'll think that there's nothing wrong with it or nothing you could do about it (you're just that way, you were born that way, etc.) until you take a look at your original motivations and see them as illusory or outdated.

So you don't so much put your childhood "behind you" as you learn, today, the things that you should have learned then but didn't.

[Heywyre]

Not hyjacking at all COG - its all part of the "process"

Both my H and I are unbelieveably independent. He grew up in the boonies - farm kid so to speak. They immigrated to Canada in 1949 from London, England onto a half section of Crown land - no running water, no electricity, no nothing! As a matter of fact, we went back to the "homestead" about 8 years ago and there are still no amenities in there(going back was a HUGE mistake in my H's eyes because his father sold it many years ago and its overgrown and not used for anything. Way too many memories pulled at him)

There was just him and his sister, so he said he was lonely and spent a lot of time with adults because there were no kids around.

I was the third of 7 children so a lot of responsibility was put on me to take care of the youngter ones, not leaving a whole heck of a lot of time for just being a kid.

I was a pretty good kid, quiet and shy, never caused any problems and always trying not to get in my mother's way for fear of retribution. My mother had a lot more serious things to take care of with my oldest brother, who made his mark in the world by just being a complete pain in the butt and always getting into trouble.

[Heywyre]

Busted indeed Lou - lol

I know there are some things that still need to be addressed and "let go of" from when I was a child. I harboured a lot of hate towards my mother and didn't reconcile with her until a couple of years before she passed away. My father, because of his medical problems, was distant, usually cold and quite often walking around in a daze due to medication he was on.

My saviour in all of this was my maternal grandmother. She never remarried after she divorced when my mother was only 5 years old (as a matter of fact she wore her wedding ring until she died almost 50 years later. It was a the weirdest thing. My grandfather died (and he had been remarried for about 40 years) and then my grandmother died the next month. I know these things happen when people live together but they weren't. Guess she really loved him until the day she died.

Anyway, my grandmother was a saint (in my eyes). She worked her butt off and financially bailed our family out so, so many times it isn't funny. Memories of her are the best ones I have. She favoured the boys in the family but I think that was because she lost one of her own (therefore my mother was an only child). If it wasn't for my grandmother, we wouldn't have celebrated Christmas, Easter, had school clothes in September to wear etc.

But having said all of that, I like the person I am today. Did I enjoy my childhood, no. Did my parents do the right thing, no. Am I emotionally damaged because of it, sure I am.

But, I am also strong, independent and have succeeded careerwise better than a lot of the other kids in my neighbourhood. I am a good person. I am kind, loving, nurturing. I get along with just about anyone. I am thrifty (detest shopping - lol) a hell of a good cook (my H's opinion), can sew, do crafts, etc. etc. Basically, I am an all-around good catch. So, would I go back - no way!!

[Heywyre]

Well, it is now Saturday and there has been no mention of the "homework" we have been requested to do by the ST. We really only have today or tomorrow, since I start a new contract on Monday and with H working nights, its just impossible. Plus we have another appt with ST on Friday - soooooo, H had better step up to the plate or he can explain to the ST as to why he didn't follow through.

When we came out of the ST's office, we talked briefly about it and H said "we don't need to talk about it right now, we have a few days to decide" I said fine but was up to him to set a time and he agreed. I am NOT bringing it up again

[Greeneyedlass]

Heywyre,

Was the "homework" for H only or for you two as a couple? If it were for your H only I can see letting it go until your ST session, if it's for you two as a couple...you need to say something about the undone homework...because you would have a responsibility to it too.

I understand you said it was up to him to set a time and that he agreed to it, BUT having said that...you CAN remind him, he hasn't lived up to it and he STILL needs to set that time the clock is ticking away.

[Heywyre]

True enough GEL but something inside of me keeps saying "why am I the one that always has to pursue"

I know this sounds negative and not very cooperative on my part but I have made the effort so many times just to be shot down that it is ingrained that it will happen again, and again

But, I will take your suggestion and run it by him again later. He has already made plans for later tonight and breakfast with friends tomorrow morning and has mentioned a couple of times about cutting the lawn this weekend(which he usually has to do in two parts because we have a fairly large backyard) so the only time would be tomorrow afternoon/evening. I know, once again, this sounds negative but then I am sure he will say how tired he is and needs a nap (like he's doing now - grrrrr)

However, having said that, he also has Monday off so he could cut the grass then but will use the excuse that he has to work Monday night and needs to get some sleep. I can read that man like a book and know just what he is going to say

The man is a master of excuses

[Greeneyedlass]

"why am I the one that always has to pursue"

Oh boy do I know this one inside/out myself...and am I ever familiar with the pride that gets in the way of getting things done LOL.

BUT you two are just NOW embarking on the most productive therapy for the two of you, now is NOT the time to let your pride stop you from the first homework assignment given to you two from this therapist. Now, of course...you will let the ST know that YOU had to be the one to initiate getting he homework done, I'm sure the therapist will address that too. He doesn't seem to be someone who will let that slide

[Heywyre]

Right! I am sure he will ask how it went and I will tell him I tried to set it up and H let it slide until I had to remind him again.

It's not like he forgot (which I am sure he will say anyway) because he remembered about having to find a picture of himself to do the other exercise but this one is a little more difficult and uncomfortable for him

[Heywyre]

Ok, so we had to go pick up my car in the shop and H had to rebook another appointment for next week. I know there is a new girl in there that he has talked about a few times, and seems quite impressed by, and she is the one that takes the appointments.

So, he says "I'm going to make the appointment, I guess I'll see you at home". Just the tone of his voice sounded like a brush off to me but I don't want to read anything into it and I am trying to regain trust, right? So, I just went home.

H came home about 15 minutes after me, so he wasn't gone long but when he came in he looked at me and immediately said "I went by to take a look at our jeep" and then proceeded to tell me he was looking at it to determine where to put the plates on it. Now, had he said nothing, I would have been ok. But, the jeep in still in the shop (roughly a 5 minute drive further from where the dealership where I got my car fixed is). This means he would have had to go there, get out and take a look at the jeep and drive home in 15 minutes? I am questioning this.

Now, having said that, I know there is not a heck of a lot he can do in 15 minutes, no matter where he is, that isn't the point. What I am thinking though is he didn't go to see the jeep at all but stayed to talk to this chick and if that is the case, why isn't he just telling me that. As it was, he said she was having problems finding the right code for the appointment. If that's the case, that reduces the time to "see the jeep" even more.

I know, I know, I am freaking out and being paranoid about 15 minutes - just let it go, right? It just bugs me that he can't tell me the truth

On another note. We had a nice barbequed dinner. We were sitting talking about how much he likes it here and then he started talking about the other city and OW (not exactly my favourite topic of conversation but I was ok with it because I know he needs to get it out of his system) But he reassured me he has no desire to go back there OR to see her - great.

He then mentioned again about having to find a picture of himself when he was younger. I figured this was a good time to bring up our "homework" assignment.

I asked him when we were going to schedule it since I start working again Monday and with him working nights, its going to be difficult. He said "don't look so serious, we'll figure it out. I will probably have at least one day off this week". I don't know what difference that makes because I don't get home until the later part of the afternoon, he's sleeping, gets up and has supper and then gets cleaned up and goes back to bed because he has to leave at 11:30 - so regardless of him having a day off, how's he going to do it?

I just said "ok" - but I know its going to be not only difficult, but I can just about guarantee he will avoid, avoid, avoid until it is too late and then use work, being tired, not getting enough sleep, whatever, as an excuse. I know, once again, this sounds negative but I am just so tired of hearing all his lame excuses for not doing things that are important. For someone that says he likes to "fix things" he sure is a procrastinator when it comes to fixing his M.

Ok, vent over!