Haven't checked into the BB much this week, sorry not to reply sooner.
First of all, congratulations on your milestone in DB-ing. He made the C appointment? Wow! I'm blown away!
It's amazing, isn't it? When we back off, they come forward. I'm still in awe when that happens to me. And it seems like it's happening to you, too.
What does Michele call that effect? See-saw? Tandem bike? (My dogs call it Tug.)
You drop the rope, they pick it up and wag it in your face. Who knew they would want to play? It's scary! They could just walk away for good...
It's not how I thought things worked. Heck, it's not how things DID WORK the first dozen years we were together -- back then we could talk about anything, anytime, and resolve them together.
But I guess R's go through development stages, people do too, and you've gotta learn what works and what doesn't at the different stages.
Way to go, Ange -- you are doing a very difficult thing by letting go and letting your H have the space and time he needs right now. It's a BIG GIFT to give him.
(Jeez. Wouldn't you like to get "continuing education" credits for all this work?)
He may not write you a thank-you note, per se, but he is finding HIS OWN WAY to tell you how much it means to him. He is telling you how much YOU mean to him, by remembering something important to you and making time for it.
Go ahead and do a little dance and whoop out loud when he's not looking. But keep up some "mystery" and keep doing "something different" around him. Keep DB-ing, in other words.
By now maybe you've been to the C session. How did it go? Major milestone -- mark the day!
Let him know how much it means to you, but don't belabor it. (Unless belaboring it works for you.)
For me, right now, clamming up works better than gushing does. Saying it once has more impact with my H. And it seems less like nagging.
Even as we speak I'm trying to learn these same lessons, so I don't want to come off as a big shot, just want to reinforce "doing what works" and say I think you're right on track, grrrlll!
Can't wait for an update.
Just thinking about C sessions reminds me: when my H came home and started being affectionate, I worried BIG TIME about why he wanted my company. He'd been chasing pretty young women all over the country.
Why did he come home? Can I trust it? I couldn't ask my H, so I panicked in my C's office.
My C said "people don't make a mistake when they marry." He said "people are primates, we need to relate." He said that my lovingly "letting go" made space for my H to be himself, and was more awesome than anything any OW could ever do for him!
It shows that my H wasn't a complete idiot after all! (ha ha) He picked me out originally because I'm awesome -- and now he knows he was right in the first place!
And that's how I'm framing it, going forward.
And funny, looking at the big picture, my H has "told" me the same things over time, as we recover our R.
My H doesn't say it in so many words. He so far has not said it in actions that I WANT -- like picking up his socks or cancelling his private phone line or dumping his raunchy pals.
He says it by showing off FOR ME a new song he learned, bragging that he got some groceries in, calling me when he gets an idea, and calling me "monkeyface" in the morning.
In the old days I'd have griped at how SELFISH or INSENSITIVE these gestures are, how BABY-ISH he's being.
But now I re-frame these as HIS WAY (right now) of being friendly, even generous. Not long ago I got the door slammed in my face, remember?
Michele's ideas (and the BB, and learning about MLC) have helped me RE-FRAME how I think about things, and to accept his gestures (again) with kindness (like when we were courting).
I'm amazed. It works.
I'm feeling better all the time -- when things work you gain confidence. It really helps to "have a plan."
Proud of you. Let us know how it goes! Keep busting the D!
