Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

[LoginName]

I started out in this forum. My W left, went to OM, came back and said she was sorry. I thought we were peicing. Turned out she was doing what she thought she was suppossed to do, not what she wanted to do. She moved to the basement. I thought peicing had stopped. I DBed, GALed the best I could, worked on PMA. I fought the fear and jealousy.

Then, she earned her PhD, took a job out of state. WE bought a house in the other state. WE planned on her and my daughter moving there while my son and I stayed here for him to finish H.S. (2 years to go) and for me to keep the new job that I have started.

We get along well. We go on occasional dates. We talk, we care about each other. We both focus on the kids well being. She says she does not want a divorce, and after her PhD, graduation, getting her new job as professor going, getting the new house set up, she'll be able to work on Us and our R.

We still sleep in separate rooms, rarely touch, and I still assume she will ask for a D after she has here new life set up.

I'm keeping my PMA and trying to GAL by remembering these things: 1. It's my choice. I can get a D if I want to. I have control too. 2. It's worth it to wait, to work on this, and see what happens. Patience is so hard, but I choose to wait. 3. If we were in a happy, good, M, I would be doing the same things I am now; support her, take care of kids, move her. 4. I want my M to work.

I guess I'm peicing. I didn't know it would be so incredibly hard. Many times, I think D would be easier. I could move on, let go, really GAL for me. And, I think maybe there is someone out there who would love me, say ILY, and I could love too. I still want that to be my W, but I know eventually, I'll want someone in that role. It hurts to keep all this love inside, and not to show it to her, for fear of making her feel it's a demand for her to reciprocate. No demands. No expectations on her (as best I can).

She has been in the new state, new house for the last week. I've been home with the kids. I am a good parent, and we have fun together. If nothing else, through it all, even when my W was with OM, I kept the kids first. She is coming home tonight.

I love to talk to her. I love to be with her. It kills me to talk to her and to be with her. I want to work on us. I want her to say she wants us to work and that she wants to work on us. I want her to touch me. Just sit next to me on the couch while we watch TV would be such a great start. I don't expect her to sleep with me now, or even soon (although it would be great.) In fact, if she did say she wanted to sleep with me, I might say no. I don't know if I could stand it. I doubt I'd be able to sleep. It would be such pleasure and such pain, bitter sweet.

And sex would really be a struggle. I would have to take it really slowly. When I ask myself why doesn't she love me, I end up thinking of the OM. Maybe it's becaus she loves him. If we ML, I would think of him, or I might. How could I compare? I feel I wouldn't be so jealous and insecure if she could tell me she wants me, and loves me. Then nothing else would matter.

If we were Divorced, I could move on, I think. It would hurt like hell, but at least I'd be able to really concentrate on myself. I'd be free to start over. At least, that's how it feels. I don't want a D. I can chose, and I chose to work on my M.

Peicing is so slow. Patience is so hard to come by. Love stinks. What is love? If I can keep this up, I know the possible outcomes are all good (a good M, or a better me, more understanding either way) but the cost is high.

If she'd just touch me... it would hurt so good. That's part of the problem. If she touches me and I overreact, she'll pull back. I need to be cool.

And yet, it's kind of like we are dating again. She has even said that in a way. How do I date her, if I can't show her my feelings without pushing her away? How do I romance her without it feeling like I'm pushing her to love me more? I want her to think of me as a man, as a date, and eventually as a lover (not just physical) and not as just a good roommate and good friend and good co-parent. I was never good at dating, or being the great romancer. I've always been a better friend. She fell for me because I was a good listener and friend.

Patience.

I have been off the boards for a while. I've learned a lot. This is my first post, and it's about me, but I intend on sharing my thoughts with you all, and maybe I can help someone else. Because, damn it, we are peicing. The odds are slightly in our favor. This DB stuff has largely worked.

Good luck, y'all.