I understand completely where you're at -- been there -- your current sitch is a lot like mine. H home, not talking, but warming more all the time.
I'm thrilled and relieved but also wait for the "other shoe to drop" sometimes. I also have found emails I wasn't supposed to read, at first by accident but then was compelled to find out what he was doing, since he hid so much from me. Bad for the PMA but I'm glad I know what I know.
I want to offer some positive spin and encouragement. I think you're doing beautifully, and shouldn't worry about the missing trust for now. Give it lots and lots and lots of time. Don't push on this issue either.
If they hate R talk (and my H has never liked it) then R talks won't bring you closer. Don't pine. Have R talks with people like us who need them and want them and know how to listen and acknowledge you.
And wait to see what your H does.
I stopped R talks altogether, as my H started to get closer to me. "On the books" we were still separated and H still claimed the right to date and sleep around. Yikes! Horrible. I'd get the shakes. But I stopped letting him see me that way and went about life as though I was busy, occupied, and attractive.
He got very interested in me again, and has basically moved home. But he still maintains his other place. It drives me crazy, but I'm letting him re-frame it as "his office." He invites me over there. He put away the offending pix of the chick was was "in love" with. He's symbolically showing me I'm the one. Though it's hard for him to say.
And he will probably never admit what he did or how it hurt me, and we will probably never talk about those days. As time goes by, I am less and less interested in such a "catharsis."
Like you, I also find marriagebuilders.com advice to be very healing. As I piece together "what went wrong" in our M and try to take some responsibility, I see that my angry outbursts and disrespectful demands turned my H away from me. We also need to spend a lot more time doing fun things together.
So, even though it may hurt my career, as we recover our M, I make spending time with my H my first priority. I'll rearrange things on short notice to take a walk with him, linger over coffee, listen to music, hear his opinion. My boss doesn't like this, but my colleagues are understanding, and heck -- I can get another job but I've worked too hard at this recovering my M to let it slip into second place in the scheme of things.
DB-in has given me an opportunity to change that way of behaving. I've pretented to be calm, rational and light for so long, with such good results, that I want to keep it up -- for myself.
My H started an Internet adult website, with a buddy, as his career change after being laid off from his long-time job. Looking back I can see his MLC issues started even before this. He was surly and inattentive toward me and we hardly ever went out.
So spending lots of time being womanly, sexy, flirtatious and complimentary, like an OW would, has helped my H feel manly (and vital) again. At first I thought this was ridiculous and anti-feminist, but I got off that attitude. I am having fun with it now and it has brought us very close. Even without a "renewed commitment" I feel the bond between us strengthening all the time.
So take heart. Relax. Don't beat yourself up for your curiosity. Trust his ACTIONS -- trust the BABY STEPS -- they mean OODLES MORE than you may think.
And one more thing -- avoid at all costs putting the negative spin on things. I do this out of fear and it always sets me back. Count the good stuff. Write it down. Log it. Read your logs. And see the pattern changing toward love again.
