Hello. Thot I would try posting here. Re-cap of my sitch: I got the "spiel" back in sept. My h was very close to moving out. Said he "loved me and wasn't even mad at me" but he didn't know if he was committed to our marriage. This was after he returned from a 5 day hunting trip by himself. Looking back I can see h struggling with MLC issues for quite awhile (him seeing himself as "aging", taking on a second job, changing his vocation with his fulltime job, and to my horror, attempting to have an EA with his female boss via email, just to mention a few mlc traits). I fell apart but started reading about MLC and DB techniques. I backed off and gave him space. I let him know when he did something that I appreciated. He would not tell me that he loved me and the notes he used to leave for me were without the "love" sign off. H was very withdrawn at first but slowly started to warm up to me again. I was careful not to say, "I love you" very much as it made him feel very uncomfortable. After a couple of months he initiated saying, "I love you" to me. And I know he was sincere. It still bothered me that he didn't bring up where he stood committment-wise with me. About 6 weeks ago he did an about face and became very loving and more talkative with me. The "endearing" emails to his female boss also stopped. 2 weeks ago I told my H that I was confused by him saying that he loved me and him being more open to me with his feelings. I told him that I was still under the impression he was still wavering with a committment to our marriage because he had not said anything about that. He looked shocked and said that he was committed but that marriage was not a "guarantee". He also said, "well I'm here aren't I?"
I talked to him about what we could do to make our marriage stronger? One of the things he said was that appreciated me giving him "space" since last sept. We also agreed that we needed to spend more time with each other doing things together (was one of his beefs last year that I didn't do anything with him). I asked if he would consider joint counselling (he previously refused). He hasn't gotten back to me on that. I have gone to the marriage builders site and some other ones and have read some excellent info and advise. I have occaisionally printed off some material and left it laying around (communication and dealing with conflict stuff). Some of it has he has read. But he is avoiding discussing it. He IS wanting for me to join him on business day trips. Problem is we both work shift work and it is hard to coordinate our time together. He is very impulsive and springs his ideas on me at the last minute.
I feel like I am stuck here. I think my h figures that a "good" marriage just "happens" if you are with the right person. I don't want to push my H. I really don't see any resolution so far to issues we have together. I have had to look inside of myself and some of it I do not like. My h told me that he has never doubted my love or committment. My trust in him has declined and H is not even aware of that. H is also not aware that I know about his "endearing" emails. His female boss lives several hundreds of miles away so I am not concerned about a PA right now. But he has destroyed a part of my trust and I can't talk to him about it. All he would hear was that I violated his privacy with the emails. I partly agree but I also do correspondance work and computer upgrading for him on his computer and I came across an email from him to her and then looked for more......yep found them too I'm sorry to say.
I am becoming more withdrawn and H is noticing. I feel trapped and I don't know how far I can go with relationship issues with him. I feel so intimidated to do anything. This is not a good day for me. Thanks for letting me say my story. Any ideas for me?
