18 mos and counting...

[cat03]

well, just dont' go out of your way to accomodate him and just be cordial when you see him. Heaven knows I couldnt' look at my H in the eye if we would've divorced, not because of hate, but because it would hurt too much to see the man I loved.

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just because I can be kind and friendly to him doesn't mean I have forgiven him and all is well
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You must forgive him in your heart in order to be free of hate and the acid that eats a soul when one harbors ill sentiments.
No, all is not well and the way he's behaved is totally rotten, but find it in your heart to acknowledge that the man you married is not the same crazed alien you see now. You dont' have to be all smiles and friendly w/him, just dont' be aloof, treat him as you'd treat an acquaintance, the neighbor 2 doors down.

I'm sorry to hear about your little son, it is so tough to see our children hurt. Talk w/him and let him know you two are still a family, that there is many kinds of families (did you see Mrs. Doubfire? the end has a nice kiddy explanation about split families).
That some have a daddy and a child, some a grandma and a child, that all of them are still families.

Hugs Monica, you are in my prayers))))))))))

[MonicaP]

Hi Cat03,

Great advice, thanks. And thank you for your kind words of support. Yes, I've seen Mrs. Doubtfire and love that part. I've thought of it often.

I think I'm doing ok with how I treat H, like you said, like the neighbor 2 doors down. But the resentment still creeps up on me from time to time and it is difficult to let go of.

He's going out of town this weekend "on business" (conveniently a 3-day weekend) and the fact that I don't believe him is really hard to keep to myself. But I do because I know if I confront him he will just be defensive and accusatory. My T suggests I say to him at some point - "there's no need for you to spin tales with me". I liked it when I heard it, but I think if I confront him at all it will only be a waste of time. He's so deep into his denial he would find some way to turn it around on me.

Meanwhile, he will be picking S up from school twice this week and has been fairly "nice" lately. I wonder if he senses something is going on. Oh well, it doesn't matter I guess.

I hope I can get to the point of total acceptance and let H go, but it won't happen today. I miss the man I married and I don't know how long it will take to let him out of my heart.

Thanks for checking in and for your words of wisdom.

[Astimegoeson]

Monica,

I've followed your thread from the beginning and feel a need to interject something here. Your on the same time frame as me and that's why your post interest me. I've been separated 18 months from my stbx, but probably have been emotionally detached for about 2 years.

Acceptance doesn't mean "letting him out of your heart". That won't happen. You may have to let go while still loving him. I had to do it with my stbx.

The benchmark for knowing when you actually let go of him is when that resentment and all the other ugly emotions are gone for good. There will be no closure for you until that point. Don't consider your love for him as a reason to hang on.

[MonicaP]

Astimegoeson,

Good point. I can't imagine ever stopping loving my H, or at least the memory of the man I married and the life we had. I miss HIM. But I do know I have to move on with my life regardless.

I know I still feel the resentment big time, although it's not as all-consuming as it was last year. It comes in waves now and less frequently. When I feel the resentment coming on strong I pick up my book "The Power of a Praying Wife" and that always eases it for me. For me that is the answer.

H was over Wed & yesterday after picking up S4.5 from school. I had things to do so I didn't get home early on either day, but last night before he left he asked if I could get a babysitter someitme next week so we can go out somewheret to talk. I asked "what about?" and he said it was important to just do it every now and then and that we hadn't talked for a while.

He's right. I have really been detaching. I told him I would have to think about it. I just don't know if I can handle it yet. He seems like he wants to pretend like we are friends and that what he's doing is ok. Well, I'm not ready to forive him.

I'm exhausted....

[MonicaP]

I'm anxious about the decision to meet or not to meet w/ H this week, I could use some insight.

I wonder WHY he wants to meet...I've come up w/ a few options:

(1) he wants to tell me he's ready for divorce and will be filing
(2) he wants to know if I am about to file (he may suspect something)
(3) he simply wants to talk about our S4.5
(4) he wants to play the whole pursuit/distancing game

In any case, I just feel too vulnerable to talk with him in person. For months now we have just swapped emails and very casual conversation. I try to keep any convo focused on S4.5, but mostly I try not to talk to him at all ( only polite when he comes over to be w/ S4.5).

I guess I'm really fearful of hearing about how happy he is now, how he's finally the man he's meant to be (BS!),how OW is his soul-mate, etc. I'm not sure if he would even bring up anything like that, but I don't want to be in the position of discussing our R if he's still not interested in trying to save our M. And that I am almost 100% certain is not the case. Last week he was wearing what I call his pseudo wedding ring - some Goth inspired ring he probably got w/ Ow in mind.

I thought it was sort of strange though, when he asked me to meet him, that he had tears in his eyes both when he asked and after I told him I would think about it. I interpreted it as guilt - guilt that he knew he was about to finalize things with me.

I just don't know what to do. Should I meet him or not? Please help me decide.

[Walking]

Hi Monica

I can't give you advice on whether to meet or not to meet - but I guess if there is anything you'd like to get out of a meeting it may be worthwhile.

I know that you have decided to file, but I also read between the lines that you still care for him very much. Perhaps the 'date' could be an opportunity to have a good time together, you know, laugh, have fun, chill out ... it might bring you closer to him and might remind him of what he loves about you. I think a lot of the reason we grow apart from our WAS is that when we detach we really detach - sometimes I think the secret to detachment might be to detach from the feelings our WAS inspire, rather than their company full stop. KWIM?

Look in your heart and feel in your gut. You'll know what to do.

[MonicaP]

H was over tonight (w/ S4.5) and I stayed home the whole time because I was exhausted. H never raised the topic again of meeting with me and I didn't bring it up either.

Should I bring it up or let it go?

[cat03]

what do you have to loose? might as well ask what he wants

[MonicaP]

I emailed H this afternoon. Something like, "about getting together to talk, would you give me a better idea of what kinds of things you would like to talk about?". And left it at that. No response yet. And no call to S4.5 (he typically calls every day and leaves a message for S to come home to). Guess he's busy!

Oh well, I know I have to let it go.

This Wed I have a hearing for the fee waiver to file for LS and Child custody/support. I'm anxious about it coming so close to "the end". I'm trying not to see it that way and just leave my mind open, but let's face it, it doesn't look good at this point!!!

It's such a shame. We really loved each other once. I never thought that would change. I guess none of us ever does.

I'm hanging in there.

[WAW in the OC]

You are a real trooper and should be proud of yourself. You've hung in there since Oct 05 for your son. You can go on knowing you did everything you could to save your M.

I don't know if I can last that long waiting for my W to come out of her MLC. She is currently on a date w/ 22 yr old OM while I am here w/ our kids.

What are these people thinking when they ruin families and trust like they do? I just hope there's a God that believes in Karma. In my opinion adultery should be illegal. Everything happens for a reason and possibly you'll find a man that can truly appreciate you for the woman you are. You deserve better as does everyone on this site.