Next, I agree with Husband and Andy. Good Job. Like you said we are in similar sitch. I actually started thinking that I would suggest to my W that I give her the money for her new home and tell her if this is what is going to make you happy I want you to be happy. I think I am taking the advice from the book "Love must be Tough" about opening up the cage door a little further then Dr. Dobson had in mind. I haven't totally decided on this yet but it seems like a crazy next step that might help.
Appararently not everyone approves of what she is doing. Like in my previous posts, she is angry because when i was the non-attentive husband everyone supported her. Now that she is the adulterous home-wrecker she is getting none of that support.
Yeah, My W was similar. She could not understand how people could possibly think she was 'bad' as she did 'suffer' so much for so long.
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She said that now I am Mr. Perfect, Mr. nice guy, and when we were married she was always trying me to be more congienial with people (especially neighbors). I listened, I validated, I ignored the names she called me. I told her she was right.
My W wasn't quite so mean, but she was angry I changed 'too late'.
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I did throw out my thinking about renting a place. She was a little thrown off by it, but didn't let it show too much. I guess she thinks if i rent a place, she will still go buy a place ASAP and just leave the house empty.
Or - she sees the reality that YOU are capable of moving on without her. She wants you to suffer, and be 'so sad' you 'lost her' so she can feel good about what she's done to hurt you. My W was terribly hurt when I told her after 4 months that since she kept saying she wanted to move out, I'd give her money so she could move out.
Then, it was suddenly real - I didn't NEED her to stay.
I think you pushed that button. See, we all know the OM are BS, not real, not even useful. All the statistics support that. They are part of the W's problem and when the W 'wakes' up and really sees that the LBS is the REAL MAN - the one who doesn't have to go after married women in depressions - the one who can stand there like a rock and be the real 'alpha' male in the pack - then the WAW starts to see what they are LOSING, not LEAVING.
Remember, and this is important. Good, decent, strong, MEN do not go after married women. Ever. A woman who is 'getting divorced' is a married woman.
You want to read about 'soulmates'? You should read my first few threads. After you stop thinking my W and OM were INSANE I think you'll get another perspective.
One last thing. It's pretty obvious from your W's responses that she still loves you and she isn't 'done'. She doesn't trust the chnages in you and she is still in the endorphin high of 'in love', which you can't do much to change. It will wear off eventually.
Remember, 'in love' is not 'real love'. It's a reaction to a drug our bodies create when we meet someone who is able to fill an empty spot we have, or who 'clicks' with us, and we keep interacting with them because we like that feeling.
If we're in a healthy and loving relationship, we don't pursue those people, but we do meet them from time to time. It's all a matter of choice.
You're pretty impressive, I like how you've picked up so much of the techniques. Have you read Deida's book 'The Way Of The Superior Man?" I also like the free mailings from David at 'makingherhappy.com' because they remind us (men) of what it really means to BE a man, not a 'metrosexual' or a 'tamed modern man.
Thank you for your posts. I don't know if the positives you are reading into are actually that strong. But i am happy with myself right now, and I don't need to remind her how much i love her, I can show her with my understanding and support. She actually wanted me to come house shopping with her today. I respectfully declined and told her to have fun.
Frank_d i have just spent the last hour reading your threads, and have to say you are one of the most compassionate people i have ever seen.
Your unconditional love for your wife is inspiring. I am very happy for you.
I have read the Way of the Superior Man, along with a couple other Deida books. I honestly have taken a long time to go from being needy, to being strong, and somewhat ok with this.
I still love my wife, and i believe that our relationship can and will come out of this much stronger. I wish my wifes OM was as much as a loser that your wife's was. However I need to start believing and living my life as the 'superior man'. Outwardly you would look at my life and the successes i have and say i am, but inwardly is where i am focusing my work right now.
I can't concern myself with the OM right now though. I have to continue to be strong, and make the changes in myself to be the best person I can be.
So i picked up my kids early from school and got home around 3:30. Around 4:00 my wife shows up after a day of house hunting with one of her friends that is a realtor. When she found a moment with us being alone, she wanted to tell me all about how wonderful the neighborhood she is looking in is, and how 1 of the houses was just perfect. She said "i had the same feeling that i had with this house".
I just looked at her and didn't say much. I then said, its going to take a while to work through all the financial issues. Selling this house is going to take time, and its going to cost us over 100k in realtor fees to sell it.
I said, 'i know you want to live seperately though, so i looked online and found a house that i might be able to rent. It's close to here, and its not priced that badly.'
She looked really forelorn. She then said somewhat angrily 'I don't want to stay in this house. What? Why do you get to go off and move to a new house, and i have to stay here? I don't like this house it has bad energy'. (arggghh. what the hell, like i fell in love with someone 10 years younger and wants to split our family up over it)
Mind you this is the house she fell in love with, and had that ooh so good feeling when she insisted we buy it.
Anyways, i didn't respond to all of that, i just said I am just trying to give you what you want. We can't get the asset split done that quickly and it could take up to 5 or 6 months to do it. And since she doesn't want to rent a place i said i could, and that way we could live seperately.
She looked like she was going to cry. I don't want to suggest that she is feeling like she is losing me. Because that's not it. She is just upset that she doesn't get to live the vida loca in her new million dollar house and seeing her new boyfriend.
She thinks by buying a house and decorating it with the girls, the girls will enjoy the whole process. And me moving into a rental will be bad for them. (DIVORCE WILL BE BAD FOR THEM. - WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER)
So.. in her mind she moves to a new house with good energy, the girls are wildly happy cause mommy is wildly happy, her business is booming because she is now responsible for herself, and her love life is on fire because she has her new man.
I think i just threw a wrench in the works. Though honestly i am not doing it to hurt her. I just don't think we can simply allocate sooo much money to a new house before we actually split our assets. My lawyer highly recommended against it. And since we are then staying in the same house together for at least 4,5,6 months, as much as i love my wife i think its healthier for me to get out. Otherwise she is going to push super hard to get the money out of our accounts to go off and buy her house.
Anyways... I told her I hadn't made up my mind about any of it, and we would definately need to talk about it, but i was going to go look at the place next week. I'll have to call my lawyer too, to get an idea of what i would need to move out.
Anyways, i'm going to go out and have a few beers with a friend tonight. So at least i can keep my mind off of things for a little while.
My night was good. Had beers with my neighbor and talked about a ton of things. I may have even been able to help him with some of his relationship issues. I found out a good friend of his went through something similar a while back, and is back together with his wife. So i am hoping to meet him soon to talk.
So yeah, good time, good conversation, good beer, and out of the blue a good friend of mine walked into the bar close to the time we were about to leave, so it was nice to see him and have a drink with him too.
This morning i took my kids to school, and got my car washed. So that feels good.
Unfortunately while getting my car washed, my wife called me to see if I was coming home. My wife has been in a foul mood all morning, I tried to ignore her, but she wanted to talk. She wanted to know if I wanted to ride with her into the city to see the house she wants. I told her after thinking about it, I didn't see the point. She was not happy from that point on.
Basically she wants to buy a house that she fell in love with (i see a pattern with this falling in love crap) and she thinks i'm only thinking of myself right now. (yes. she used those words)
I tried to be diplomatic, but she doesn't compromise. So we are stuck with two different opinions right now. She wants me to buy the house with/for her, because it will make the kids happy. And I want to figure out the seperation first before we make any huge moves like that. hell i don't even know if i want to stay in our house or sell it.
This whole recent turn in my situation has gotten me confused. We were having good times together, but now it seems like she is just angry with me, angry with the house, short with the kids, etc. She says she feels stuck. I'm not seeing any positives.
I don't know what to do to turn this around. I just want 1 day of fun/good will/light heartedness in my house. A few days with no seperation/relationship talks would be nice too.
So i guess those are my goals:
1. One day of good times. 2. No Seperation talks for 2 days. 3. Some indication that she isn't sure.
It's not my sitch but what is the point of you going to see the house? If you told her that house sucks would she not want it? I think she is unsure what she wants. Getting you to go means you approve of her dessiion thus validating it. VERY nicely I would some how decline the offer myself. As for her not being happy with things around the house and short with the kids? I also think she is trying to justify why she is unhappy. Like My W I don't think your W really knows.( maybe they should get together):) My W is going to see A C to find out what made her so unhappy and when she stopped loving me. If ya ask me its kind or like I told her about the affair. We may never really know why it happened or why you were so unhappy but that is history. Let’s find out what does make you happy it's something new I heard about its called Communicating. I need to know what bugs her and I need to not take it personally ALSO SHE needs to listen to my little pet peeves and not take it personally Sorry I kind of started to run off on this. Getting back to you like I said. If she was so darn sure she wanted out she would not care what you thought she would just do it.
Sorry for the soap boxing
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Yeah, i wish my wife could get over the past and work on us now. She is completely done in her mind. All she wants is her new life as in her mind it will make everything better.
My wife is also going to see a C. Which gives me hope, she has her first session on Wed. Her lawyer recommended the counselor, so i'm not sure if its going to be a good thing or not. I'm just hopeful that the counselor is good. It's funny everyone she knows has said she needs to go talk to someone, but now that her lawyer recommended it, she is going.
I don't think she is asking for my approval. She doesn't care what I think. She is trying to get me excited about possibly moving into this new neighborhood in two seperate houses. And she needs me to sign off on any house she buys. So she can't just DO it. She needs me to buy it for her.
This is a bad situation for me. It's difficult to disagree with her and not come across as trying to control her and the situation.
She has a lawyer? My w is not at that point yet. Do you have one? If so talk to him/her about this house thing. I bet they are going to say DO NOT Make any purchase at this time. If they do say this now you are not he bad guy your lawyer is. "Sorry hunny but my lawyer said I shouldn't be making any major purchase right now. I want to help you but the lawyer said no. I'm paying him good money so he must know what he is talking about.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I concur with Husband re putting the onus and pointing in the direction of the Lawyers with the purchase.
Good to see her going to a C. I am not sure with your laws, but I know in Australia, you don't have to go to C, there is no blame etc when you file for divorce and you don't need a vaild reason. It makes it too easy to do it here.
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
