Kim07 Separated 4 Years

[COG]

Kim,

Sorry, but I can't make your pity party, I'm too busy trying to help lost souls get back on their feet. Which is what you need to do.

hmmm,,,start w/my ass 1st eh?? I guess I could do that!

Well I guess you better because nobody else is going to do it for you. Nobody else will give you peace and the fulfilling life that you so desire except YOU! God has all the power and grace you need. If you have'nt already read this book, it's a must read "The Purpose Driven Life". Easy read, and a very powerful book that will change the way you look at life. It is primarily your vision, attitude that needs to change.

GOD how do you get past this pain,,it seems unbearable??!!

I prayed every night and day for three years for the pain to go away. Guess what? It's completely gone now after only about five years.

You say there are a million things I can do,,,since i'm running out of options & ideas, do you have any??

Accept your sitch for what it is. Let your H go, set him free. Forgive your H, love him unconditionally as Jesus would. Let go your fear, anxiety, selfishness, and neediness. Don't allow these emotions to affect your decision making, or your actions. Think logically, not emotionally. That should keep you busy for awhile, for a start.

unfortunately, I can count on 1/2 hand the times where sex DID NOT happen 1st,,thats' sad

That's because the sexual attraction NEVER lasts longer than a few years. When it runs out, the R runs out. But freindship, true, deep, and honest freindship lasts forever, long after the sex runs out.

in H's industry 75% are women, 25% are men & 20% of those men are gay,,the other 5% are M'd,,then theres' my H!

Okay there you go again looking at the cup half full. If you do the math, your H is over 100%, now how does that work out. Look what your doing to yourself. You see the impossible as being possible, in a very negative way. You are running HIGH on emotion, and VERY low on logic. That's where you need to start first. And above all don't forget one thing. Of the 75% of women you mentioned above, you are most likely at least in the top 10% I'd guess. How do I know? Because there are obviously a lot of men that want to have sex with you, including your H who wants a D but still wants sex with you. That makes you a very sexy woman. However, you are giving away the store. You've used sex to get what you want, to satisfy your need for security, love, etc. You have to get that reversed before you'll find fulfillment. Build the friendship, the trust, the security first, then jump in the sack.

I understand your POV,,but why does everyone else, who is NOT on the BB's here, notice my huge changes but my H notices nothing

Oh I guaruntee he notices, he just does'nt respect you for some reason. He probably senses that you've only made the changes to get him back. Once you make the changes that we've talked about, YOUR changes, no faking, then he'll BELIEVE you. From your responses here, I sense that you've made many changes, but I'm thinking they've only been made to get him back, not necessarily for YOUR best life.

well I really haven't done that before while M'd & it was always me who waited up for H to come home after 3am & sometimes not come home at all w/no phone call!! After a while of calling the hospitals & jails & finding out continually that he was just "passed out" on the side of the road

Sounds like your H loves the party life. Sounds like an alchoholic to me. If so, then forget about him being reasonable, or logical. He'll sacrifice everything for the party, the next drink. Check out Alanon, it's a great program.

I've tried to be so proactive but my efforts get rained on by his continual insults,,will have to find a way to not take those personally

You need to look him in the eye, with the most humble and solemn attitude you can muster, without tears, and tell him it's not OK for him to be insulting to you. He can have his life, but that he is not allowed to insult you anymore, especially in front of the kids. When he does that, it feels like he is stabbing you with a red hot knife in the chest. Please don't do that to me anymore. Don't be argumentative, don't be wimpy whiny crying, just businesslike.

Are they ever remorseful or is it always our fault for everything bad in their life & you have to resign yourself to the fact that that won't change & to "suck it up"??

Take the focus off him, and keep it on you. If he is not remorseful, then that is between him and God. You just go forward and be the best person that you can be. Strong, brave, and faithful.

He already tells me that I can't have a R w/his family

Well he is not your master is he? Live your life as you want, but do not enlist his family to help you, OR talk about your private issues with them. He obviously does not want them to know about his "real" life, and he does'nt trust you around them. So if you do contact them, then you need to respect his wishes about privacy.

Last but not least,,how do I stop loving him when clearly he has no problem letting go & has moved on w/his life??

Well whether or not you go on loving him, has nothing to do with what he does. We are called to love our freinds and enemies alike. Look up 1 Corinthians 13 and you'll find the real definition of love. What you feel for your H right now are feelings of neediness. You are afraid to be without him, you are rejected, a looser, a failure. If he'd only just turn around, come back to you then you would'nt have to feel all those awful negative feelings. Well, I'm sorry but he'll never come "back" to you. He may move forward with you, but you'll have to grow up, stand up, and find fulfillment in life without him first. And that does'nt mean fulfillment in the arms of another man, that's just a bandaid fix. You'll find your fulfillment in the arms of God.

Love,

COG