Afterall..... This IS my life V

[heatherg]

I do have a problem with vulnerability, with dislcosing my hurt, my fears, my insecurities to my H. That doesn't mean I've never put myself out there, really far out there. I have. But usually only AFTER I've been hurt and I have a tendency to get really angry when I've been hurt. So perhaps my vulnerability and hurt has been masked with anger and control.
I think my issues started before H and have been exacerbated by the dynamics of our R. I've been insecure my whole life, there are aspects of my physical appearance that really bother me. I had a boyfriend that I ADORED when I was 16, but I could barely look him in the eye. He hooked up with some other girl over the summer he spent away, told my friends about it who apparently then felt 'obligated' to honor his trust over mine and they did not tell me until much later. He ended up breaking up with me, although I did feel that he really liked me but broke up with me because I would not open up to him. In hindsight, I was never sure if he really liked me or the 'mystery' of me.

Anyway, my troubles started long before H. So, I hear what you are saying. It's become a way of life for me. I have some ideas on how to get to the bottom of some of this, and it involves 'fixing' a couple things that bother me about my physical appearance. I don't want to discuss it too much here because I really don't want to debate it, anything I do will be for me, not for my H. I will probably schedule a consult later this year and will plan to use my X-mas bonus to do it.

So. Perhaps I should start with the general idea of the email Nops has given me and then work in some major disclosure. For the record however, I HAVE been vulnerable about the porn issue. I have told him that I feel hurt, not good enough, not pretty enough, now apparently not young enough. He said that's not true. Convincing huh? He's also told me in the past that it has nothing to do with me, I think everything is about me, I'm so self centered. He's also told me it's not nearly as big of a deal as I make it, all guys do it, that he likes to look at beautiful women-that I am A beautiful woman but not the ONLY beautiful woman, that he won't quit and most recently that it's off the table for discussion. He's also said that if I have any problems with my self esteem, it's that I have too much of it.

Honestly, sometimes I think he's given me all the answers that I need, but I just can't seem to accept his answers so I keep trying. Or I think the way I asked the questions was flawed. Or I let myself get too emotional or I said something I shouldn't have or I haven't done this or that or tried one thing or another. That's why I need a plan. Because I drive MYSELF in circles, partly because I can't accept the answers he's given me and partly because I start something and don't follow it through. ALL THE WAY through.