How long does Replay last?

[still hoping]

Journaling...

Confused, even though I know there is nothing for me to be confused about. Letting H's actions mess me up again, even though I know better - so just want to get thoughts down here and be finished with thinking about it.

So H knows that I know that girl he introduced me to is OW. Still has not admitted anything to me. Friends are all starting to get mad at and lose respect for H because of his actions lately (unrelated to me). Won't talk to anyone about anything other than work. None of that bothers me, but so much information coming to me from all directions lately. Actually, the more people lose respect, the more I feel like I need to defend H. Crazy, I know.

Asked H to join us tonight for dinner for S5's birthday. He did and it was good. First time we've had dinner out as a family since Jan (which is also when he said he had no more feelings for me when I asked him to come home - same restaurant too!). He was much friendlier than usual - seemed less depressed than he's been, talking/interacting more with me and the boys (both of them, not just S5 like he usually does). Of course, only topic was about work. My job came up and I said something about not staying there because the pay could not support me and that I have some options to consider (didn't mention they were overseas). He mentioned how much he will be making (which is very likely because of a contract he's secured) and how - I think he said "we" - could look at investing in something - can't remember his exact words, but it was definitely along the lines of his salary being good and him having enough money for me. I've learned to not depend on anyone anymore, so I am still deciding on my 2 options for myself. If he wants to contribute, great - but given the ASTRONOMICAL amount of debt he's accrued in the past 6 months, I don't see him having anything to spare once he begins paying that off.

Having S5's birthday party tomorrow at in-law's. I've invited several of our friends - really don't know what to expect. All friends have said they're on my side (even though I don't think there are sides to be taken). They have gone so far as to not attend a mutual friend's wedding because I was not invited (after friend found out H was bringing OW) and because guy friends do not want wives (my friends) to meet/find out about OW. Guy friends don't even know that I know about them not attending and wives are even more clueless... Felt really bad for friend, who apologized to me for not inviting me in the first place - said he should've asked H not to bring her and that he really wanted me there. That friend, who was previously on H's "side" is now starting to lose trust in H and thinks he has become extremely selfish. So much unnecessary drama. Anyways, have been good about keeping the drama out of my life lately. I'll listen and discuss stuff with friends who have info to offer (it actually helps me to know the truth), but I no longer obsess about H and his actions. I've pretty much just written him off as insane. Tomorrow is S5's day, so I'm sure everyone, including H, will be on their best behavior.