Had a bit of roller coaster the last couple of weeks.
First, we had been trying to line up a picnic at a local park with the band parents, to come after the kids marched in the Memorial Day parade. Well, this got screwed up by some real off-again on-again stuff that was due to (a) our band director being a crappy communicator and (b) me not recognizing that and taking the bull by the horns soon enough. As a result, the picnic invites got sent out waaaay later than they should have, and very few people RSVPed, and we decided to cancel. This had W very down, and POed at me for dropping the ball - started hearing some of the old spew about being too passive, etc. So, when we decided to cancel, I suggested we have a few families that WERE interested over to our house for a smaller cookout. We decided to try that - I got right on the phone and started calling them - and it worked out really well. Had a nice little crowd over and it was a great time.
In the same timeframe, though, W has been noticeably withdrawn. Very little cuddling, hugging, kissing, ILYs. Kinda crabby and down and not wanting to hang out much. The real low point was one night when we were going to bed, and I rolled over to snuggle - and she basically freaked out and pushed me away. Then said "Sorry, I'm feeling kind of prickly." No sh!t! We both retreated to our sides of the bed and went to sleep at that point.
Well, I started going back to The Dark Place in my head, letting those crappy thoughts creep in. It was interesting, 'cause they were different than a year ago. Maybe 50 percent was the old panicky feelings that she's giving up on our M, which totally overwhelmed me post-bomb. But the other 50 percent was a new set of feelings, along the lines of "Screw this, I'm not going through that whole d@mn thing again. If she's going to start laying everything on me and MLCing - well, let her walk. I deserve better." Just to be clear, this latter stuff was not 'empowered, control my own life' kind of thinking - it was bitter, sad, and angry.
Took me a good couple days of fighting through that to get my PMA back on. Looked back at myself at the height of my DBing days, and admitted that I have 'relaxed' a bit since then. I won't say 'backslid all the way to the old me' by a long shot - but I've allowed the fact that things were going better, and there was less mind-blowing pressure, to let me coast a bit. On the one hand, I guess it's time to crank up my GALing and stuff again. On the other hand, I'm not going to feel guilty over not living my entire life in a pressure cooker - it's impossible to keep up that level of frantic energy forever.
W has cheered up a bit too. Not quite a Ray of Sunshine yet, but moving in the right direction. We had a nice long walk last night where we both unloaded about stressful stuff at our jobs (which I think was a contributing factor to all of this). I think we'll be OK, but it was just a bit of an eye-opener for me that maybe she still harbors doubts and fears herself that she mostly hides and waits.
On the other hand, when we talk about the future, about finances, about our plans for the summer, about how things are going with our D15 - well, she gives every indication that she's in it for the long haul. (Remember, she has never once said to me "I'm back for good" or anything nice and clear like that. It's always unspoken, which is frustrating but I'm still continuing with my DBing principle of not pursuing.)
Anywho, I guess I'm simply sharing my experiences, which echo that Piecing really can be just as tough as some of my best pals here (SD and Jen) have found. Expect the fun to continue if you get to this point! But, having said that - it's still where I want to be, and I am grateful every day that I am lucky enough to have made it this far.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
