Journaling I know in this process there will be stages of good and bad. W found out at some point that I went to see a lawyer. I did not tell her, because I did not want her to think I was immediately seeking D. It was merely information for me, and a coming to terms of what D would mean financially. I didn't really hide it either, as I left the address on my desk and a whole lot of pamphlets in my night table. So in W view another secret I was hiding from her. Anyway we talked about it, believing me, may be another thing. She seems to be wondering what I am doing now in all this weight training. She may think I have ulterior motives, really it's just for me. She responded to my last email, thinking I was angry when I told her she could go be with OM if you don't want to be with me. I don't feel angry, at her, maybe it is just acceptance that this marriage is not what I once dreamed it would be, or perhaps will ever be that.
I asked her if W still felt like a prisoner. She said that she did. I asked her what would make her not feel like so much of a prisoner. She did not know.
As things begin to go back into somewhat of a routine, I begin to notice a lot of the things in our R which I wish were not there. I don't think it is fair to ask W to address these things at this time. Unfortunately this also reminds me of the less than perfect things in our M.
Each day W comes home from work, she seems to be angry and frustrated. I don't mind listening to her. I hope it helps her de-stress. It also reminds me of what an angry/unhappy person that she seems to be. Everyone has rough days. They all seem to be rough for her. I find myself more and more, not wanting to be around a person who is that angry. Life is too short for that.
Unfortunately anger sometimes leads to frustration, and W has a mean streak that lends her to saying very hurtful things. I honestly do not think that she realizes how deep it cuts. On the good side W has been reigning this in, somewhat. When she is always angry I seem to put up all these internal guards expecting a hurtful comment, whether it comes or not.
Sex life falls back into the little or none category. I have kind of given up on the day long romancing methods, as all to often W is tired and falls asleep when we go to bed at night. I usually end up frustrated and unable to sleep. I do not think it is something that W does deliberately. I think we are just two different people. I am a very sexual, giving person. She is much less sexual than I, and prefers that I initiate all the time.
It is so sad to me. These are huge issues, yet may be just a part of her personality which cannot ever be changed. Couple that with our troubles, well...
Well on the flip side, for myself; I am dedicated to continuing the training and exercise. Since I am a shy person and I am trying to take steps to be presenting a more positive and outgoing personality. Talking to people out of the blue, trying to be more personable and positive, despite how I can be feeling from time to time inside. I want to be less distracted at work during the day, and more productive.
