Need another opinion, is my W OM, friend or more?

[DadNotQuitting]

Andyv,

Spent a bit of time catching up on what's going on in your world. All in all, I don't think you have it as bad as you might think. She hasn't filed for D, as far as you know, there is no PA, and YOU backed her into a corner and made her say there is now a R. Doubtful from what you have said thusfar.

You're onto the fact that you MUST stop OM talk with her. You have no control there, so why bother. If you read my sitch (brace yourself - "Husband's" been in there, so he's seen some of it) you will see that I'm probably setting the "he just doesn't get it" record. A lot of good people are giving me awesome advice, and I'm actually using some of it! I see something going on with your wife that's going to burn out quicker than you think. He's her emotional tampon, and those can only hold so much before they're tossed out into the garbage.

You probably should stop any and all talk regarding your relationship with your wife now as well. Mate, she's left the building. Let her do her thing, stand up and be a man that she will find attractive and safe to come back to, and she very well might. You hitting her with R and OM stuff is the farthest thing from attractive to her. I know, I've done it well.

I'll keep following this and posting. Good luck.

DNQ

.....now here's some REAL drama

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1077928&page=0&fpart=1

[andyv]

Thx OTB,

You have again stated something that I find hard to convince myself to do. But I will do it.

I have planned a busy weekend for myself. Taking DD to her soccer game tomorrow morn (Sat), then she is going to spend day with W, whilst I go and catch up with some mates at the beach for a few beers.

Then I will go home and pick DD up and take her to sleep over my sisters (which she loves to do, plays with my sis two dogs, stack of her toys are there, own bed etc).

Then I will be going to watch the soccer between Australia and Uruguay in Sydney with friends and go out for a few drinks afterwards on Sat night (wife will probably be with OM).

Then on Sunday, pick DD up at around 9am, take her to the mall, then I have persuaded W to come to the park with DD and myself (for DD)on Sun arvo.

Then I even told her that I felt like cooking a nice meal on Sun night, and she could invite her best friend (who is pro-me and thinks I am wonderful and does not like OM).

Then unwind with DD and poss W and friend (unless W wants to get a last fix of OM on Sun night???)

I will be doing all the things that I used to, and keep being the considerate and kind person that I am regardless of what is happening. My values are in tact and I won't lose sleep thinking about "what ifs", I know I have tried my best.

And hopefully when she hits rock bottom, it will hit her harder seeing that I am the same person she has loved for 17 years.

Also, W best friend is comming to the soccer with me and my friends, she asked W if she could go with me........funny that.

This is her new best friends (from Dec 06) that is only 24, and my W met her and OM at kick boxing during the beginning of her MLC when she surrounded herself with single 20 somethings and did not want to be married anymore.

I hope this is a turning point for me, as I really need to practice what I preach and never bring up a convo about OM again.

[DadNotQuitting]

And hopefully when she hits rock bottom, it will hit her harder seeing that I am the same person she has loved for 17 years.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!

Sorry to be the guy to point out the obvious, but isn't that the guy that LOST her attention? Isn't your 180 and GAL activity about making you a BETTER MAN than you were before she said she didn't love you anymore?

Don't put all this work into yourself, just to be your OLD self. You're hitting the gym, changed your hair, probably bought some new clothes right? Guess what, my wife had an A with a guy 15 years younger and I did these things too. Still doing them, but for me now. If she decides to come back, I'm so NOT going to be the guy she's been with for the last ten years because I know she doesn't want that guy anymore, and when I think about it, he did need some tweaking. Do you?

[andyv]

DNQ,

I may have explained myself incorrectly.

I mean I will be the same person I was minus the last 2 years (with being away with work, leaving her with the construction of our new house, not being there emotionally, leaving her to raise our daughter due to my work committments, being self absorbed with my own trial and tribulations and not catering for her needs and wants).

And yes, I will be an improvement on the previous model, and not only rectify my shortcomings over the last few years, but improve on my old self.

Thx for making me clear that up, it did sound bizaar in my post when I stated it.

[andyv]

DNQ,

Also thanks for your previous post regarding OM as being a tampon, It did not come through to my original post.

Sorry WAW, I think somehow our threads have been joined, and my sitch is in your sitch.

[Dr LOve]

Hey Andyv

A few Brews on the beach are you sure you are not in California?

Dude I agree with WTB she is "nicer” now because the pressure of the secret has been released. Now her guard the little wall she has put up around her is weaker. She is no longer part of your "inner circle" (as WTB put it). As far as I have come with My W I still do not consider her part of my inner circle. My son and I are the only club members right now. Yes she is doing things for me but I'm still not impressed. Is she doing it because she is sorry or because she feels guilty? I do not care to analyze it right now. I will not analyze it right now. I figure it's like they say about love. YOU WILL KNOW WHEN IT HAPPENS.
What happened to cleaning the garage? Remember yes you need to GAL but if you want to repair your R ya gota work on that at the same time.
Like you have done I too have started doing some things that I have not done in years. I never found the time for myself. But doing things for you can involve doing things for others. Think of the workout you will get cleaning the garage. You will get the satisfaction of accomplishing something you have put off. When done you can see what you have done. Then move on to your next project be it a few brews with some buds or playing ball with the daughter. Its things like this that your W will notice on her own. Have the counters clean of dirty dishes when the W gets home. You would be doing these things if you were on your own anyway right? Ya kind of have to pretend it's just you and your daughter living there right now. Acknowledge your W. but she is like a neighbor right now. Don't talk about the OM. don't talk about R.
I could tell ya some things you could do to make the OM uncomfortable but I don't think you have detached enough yet.
Soon though bud soon

As for the hug from my W never happened. It didn’t feel right. Maybe this weekend though we’ll see

Husband

[andyv]

Thanks Husband,

Just finished having a talk with W. Its 11pm Friday night.

She got home with DD after visiting her parents, and gave it to me when she got home. Threats of moving out and leaving, renting somewhere and taking DD etc etc.

Apparently, her BIL (her sisters husband) got up her for lying to everyone about OM, and about starting her R with OM.

She got angry at me for telling them everything (like her not coming home on Sat and staying at OM's house).

She has now told all her family and aunties that she is in a R with OM.

This sounds like bad news. Now she has had full disclosure to family (has not told her father, and will not tell him). She also said that if the R with OM gets serious, she would tell everyone.

I had to do some serious damage control. And talking about things was the only way (eventhough I was trying to avoid any talk about things re OM, R etc)

I told her that if things were to change in the future (her feelings), I would forgive and forget what has happened (she said "Yeah sure" negatively). I hope this was the right thing to do, as I really did want her to know the option is there to come back.

I validated her anger at me for the emotional neglect over the last 2 years, and lack of intimacy over the last several months.

I told her that I would respect her decision and not discuss things with any of her family members again. I am sort of glad they know, because she has lied about it for a while and at least her family know exactly what she is doing to our family, and with OM. I know blood is thicker than water, but they are religous people, and love me, and if nothing else, I feel better that they know.

The way she described her feelings for OM (refrained from using "Love"), and wanting to wait and see how things progress with him. She was totally non receptive to anything I said and very "protective" of OM, like its not his fault, we were over long before he came into the scene etc etc

I told her how beautiful she was, and what a wonderful person she was and how she was so far out of this guys league. And that he should be thanking god that he has her.

I know, major F up to tell her these things.

The convo ended with W being less hostile and her mood changed to pleasant, wishing me a good night (and changing the subject to DD's soccer match tomorrow morning). I just didn't want us going to bed angry.

[Dr LOve]

Andyv

What are you talking about? I think you did great. Aside from the previous mistake of talking to her family but…….. In a way I wish I too made that mistake. We have been to a few faimily gatherings and I think to myself. “If they only knew” also when she is talking to my daughters I wish they knew what she did.
But if we do work things out this could be one of our deep secrets that only you and your soul mate keep. Ya did great. You told her your feelings and did not dismiss hers. NOW don’t say them again. She heard you.
Ya kind of have an advantage now that the family knows. They will do and say all the things your W does not want to hear
You in the mean time will be the “Good Guy” in both the IL’s Eye’s and by supporting your W in her eyes.
CLEAN OUT THE GARAGE. Make it pleasant for her to be home. If SHE wants to talk listen. Shake your head up and down say as little as possible.
I’M rooting for ya andyv.

Great self control when she came home.

Be the guy on the side lines now let the game begin between your W the OM and you’re in laws. Sit on the bench and give your W an ear when she wants to talk about her feeling and what is going on in HER game.
But she is not part of your inner circle (I like this inner circle thing) Right now your family consists of you and your daughter. Laugh, Play hard and get a good nights rest.

Husband

My day is just starting

[andyv]

Husband,

You are my hero now.

Thanks for the great pep talk.

I do have to let it go now, it has all been said and what is done is done.

At least we are still talking to each other, that's a plus.

I also like this "Inner Circle". It will be hard, but I will give it a go.

I feel better after my talk with W, but I don't know how much sleep I will get (have to get up in 7 hours for DD's soccer game). It's getting to midnight, DD is asleep in my room, W is asleep in her room, I can hear crickets in the yard, nice a peaceful.

[Dr LOve]

andy andy andy

Why Why Why

Ya tried to sneak one past me Hugh

I caught it

"She will not admit she is in love with OM. But I feel she is. W told her family tonight about the new R with OM (even though she has lied since Feb). How do you tell how long it has been going, or how serious it is, they lie so much."

Why would you want / need to know this?

If it happened once or hundred times IT HAPPENED. Come on are you going to feel better if it happened 5 times instead of 6? Once is too many.
Let it go. That is history we need to learn from history so we don't repeat our mistakes but we don't need to re live it.