You know conflict resolution is a skill neither she nor I really learned. Its actually a big issue with our generation and our marriage. We learned how to either be highly compromising to the point we compromise our core values or to not compromise on anything. Us gen Xer's really got shortchanged by our parents on this subject. There's actually been a lot written about it with Gen X.
As for our marriage, conflict resolution is something we didn't have, we avoided. This was identified immediately by our marriage counselor back in our first session in January. With that the 4 weeks we saw her and were talking we both recognized this and actually made great strides in it. But we have reverted to old ways again. Time for me to take the lead on it I guess.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
No doubt man, that's a big problem in my M too. I just steamrolled my W whenever we had an argument, or if her opinion was different from mine. She ALWAYS gave in to AVOID conflict. We would not be here today if we had ANY clue how to REALLY talk to each other even 6 months ago.
I'm learning the skill, now I need another shot to use it.
Honestly, if you want some really good knowledge in that arena, go to http://www.makingherhappy.com - it's good stuff, just use it judiciously as it can be aggressive.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
I really need to get the whole anger/resentment/bitterness/frustration issue addressed. It's not healthy and probably has more to do with my now rather high blood pressure than anything else. It just seems to sit there and brew underneath everything and it taints everything I do. I can come across as unbelievably happy and cool with something but underneath subconsciously it is slowly simmering.
The more I look at this the more I feel it's me holding us back, it's this underlying anger that seeps out in things like curt little one line answers. It seems to be behind my pushing too. I push because I am angry at her for creating all of this and not wanting to work harder and smarter to solve it sooner. Angry for doing me wrong by walking away then basically demanding I be the one to move out. Angry about my financial position now, about not being home with my kids every night, angry about creating such pain to those she loves the most.
Honestly I can't wait to talk to my counselor about it all. I need to find exceptional methods for releasing it in a healthy manner. Exercise alone isn't helping enough. You know what I really wish I had, a pile of wood to split. Boy I would be going to town on it!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
1) Check Jazz's thread and come out to Tahoe with us
2) You hit the nail on the head. RELEASE the Wanting to be Angry! It sounds absurd, why would you WANT to be angry. I don't know, but we trick ourselves into saying we DON'T want to to be angry, but our subconscious can't visualize the negative (Can't, won't, don't, etc) So it visualizes "we want to be angry." So try this, think about a situation that makes you angry. Let the feelings of anger just be there, don't try to eliminate them, just let them be. Then ask yourself if you can LET THEM GO? Will you let them go? WHEN? (hint, do it now ) I like to imagine a huge vault door opening up and those feelings just floating out the door (you can pick whatever you want to visualize the releasing). Then you're free to actually deal with the actual thing rather than the feeling.
It works. It takes some getting used to but it works.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
So when I posted I had just come back from walking about 2 3/4 miles. Prior to that I had dropped off the girls and my wife and I spoke then. She did get home right at 9 just like I thought. We both were in friendly pleasant moods but the curt answer and the underlying anger behind it clearly created tension between us. She didn't want to get within about 5 feet of me. Seriously she didn't want to be near me which is a departure from the last couple of weeks. Then again I deserved to be treated like this.
She did do something I have to say was very nice and shows how she's in such a better place than me. After we chatted about the earlier issue, FYI I apologized. She started a bit of chit chat telling me about a couple of funny things in her day. I do appreciate her doing more of that. I also brought up how much I have enjoyed our email chit chat exchanges the last few day and she remarked she liked them too. She reiterated that yes she's trying. Man she is in such a better place than me and if I allow this crap to keep happening she's going to bail.
Well on my walk I kept thinking about the anger issue. To be honest I was walking and crying because this whole anger issue. I kept thinking about how I wanted to be free from anger. How I so desperately want to just love. Not walk out of the house and once out of ear shot calling her horrible names and saying horrible things.
I just want to have love in my heart and be rid of all this anger. So I am open to ANYTHING.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Can't say much for the anger part. I have a punching bag that I use daily, and not for exercise. Just to get all the anger and deppression out of my system, by the time I am done, the tears streaming down my face have dried. To cover my "butt" ladies, I have never once thought of it as my W, just anger over the situations I have through-out my life.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
Well my walk/run the other night has proven to be a nice turning point for me. It along with the emotional breakdown I had on myself really helped me to let a lot of that anger go. I realized all I wanted was love in my heart and since then that's what's been there.
This past Friday we started our one week on/off summer routine. I picked up the girls on Friday and had them through the weekend. Our youngest went today to my mother-in-law's for the week. But on Friday night we ended up all at our home watching a movie and having pizza. It was my wife's idea after I invited her to join the girls and I for dinner. That went really well and we both enjoyed being together as a family. She took off on Saturday morning for our beach house. She returned at lunch today so she could drive D9 to her mother's. The girls and I were at our house and had just finished packing D9's stuff. We were about to head out to get lunch when my wife arrived. So we all went to lunch together.
Lunch was an interesting happening. I happened to ask about the downtown concert Thursday and if she was going again this Thursday. (It's a regular Thurs thing through the summer.) She said probably not because it was lame. She mentioned the only people that seemed to be there were coworkers or excoworkers. I asked anyone I knew and she was reluctant to say and finally mentioned a few names. One was a woman that I am good friends with but my wife didn't mention anything about their conversation. I have always thought my wife felt threatened by this woman, she has all the qualities I find attractive in my wife. Well yesterday this woman called me to tell me she had run into my wife at the concert and gave me a quick rundown of their conversation. So this woman asked my wife how things were going and my wife replied "I don't know but you'd know better than me." (Side note this woman went through a nasty divorce last year and she and I have spoken at length about it all for both of us but I haven't spoken to her in at least a month.) The friend told my wife she didn't know because she hadn't spoken to me in over a month. She pulled my wife aside and told her "he loves you more than anything and would do anything for you."
Ah so now I think I know another reason my wife got a bit distant. This is the woman I think she feels could get me from my wife. Truthfully she's right but this woman would and has never viewed me in the same light. That said, I am committed to my wife and my marriage. My wife is the woman I love and want to be with.
Well back to lunch. I mention I am trying to get tickets to see The Police in London in Sept. I plan on crashing on the sofa at a good friend's house which is next to the venue. This lead to mention of tickets for a show my wife bought. Evidently just recently she bought tickets to see a broadway show when it comes to town in January. She bought 4 tickets. I asked, are you telling me I need to block off a day in Jan? She said, no not yet, let's see how things go. This then lead to talk of a winter ski vacation and she's been looking at trips for 4 for that as well.
After lunch we stopped at a little shop that she admired and I urged her to go into. She found a cute pair of shorts and made sure I approved. While at the register to pay she was struggling with her purse and without thinking I pulled out my wallet and paid for the shorts, nearly $180 at that. It really surprised her. She thanked me with a huge smile and I said no problem and just enjoyed seeing her smile. It was worth every penny I paid.
So I guess maybe she's holding her cards a bit closer to the vest then and not letting me know too much about what's she thinking and feeling. Interesting especially now that I have gotten the anger out of the way, I can see these things a lot better.
Finally to top if off as she left with D9 she started to say "I..." but stopped herself. Hmmm was she about to say what I think?
All of this has really help solidify my resolve now. She's thinking and processing. Now I am just showing love with no expectations and it seems to help us get rid of the tension. I'm focusing on her, not me or the situation and it feels so good! I sure hope I can keep this up for the summer because if I can I believe very good things will happen this summer!
Last edited by catfan; 06/04/0701:56 AM.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
So I have no idea why but since just before going to bed last night I have been rather nervous about tonight. I woke up probably 4 times during the night because of it. Today, I am jittery to no end and all because of going to dinner and a movie tonight with my wife. The only other time I ever recall being this nervous for this long was the day of our wedding!
Last night I kept dreaming about things in the future. Specifically interactions between my wife and I as we start to live in the same house, sleep in the same bed and rejoin our lives together. They were all good and positive dreams but they seemed to just heighten my nervousness.
Oh well, no matter I'll get past it. But I can't say how much I am looking forward to going out tonight. I just have to make sure I have all expectations, known and unknown in check.
One thing I am really unsure about is how to end the evening. I am driving so do I get out of the car and walk her to the door, wait for an invitation from her, tell her good night in the car? Man I need to turn off the brain today!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
) I like to imagine a huge vault door opening up and those feelings just floating out the door (you can pick whatever you want to visualize the releasing). Then you're free to actually deal with the actual thing rather than the feeling.