Kim07 Separated 4 Years

[Kim07]

COG,,,hmmm,,,start w/my ass 1st eh?? I guess I could do that!
You're so good pointing things out to me(Thanx):

1.) I do have a "the glass is half empty" type attitude sometimes and can't see beyond it and thats' where I can get stuck!

2.) You & everyone else on the SSM thread are soooo brave, you have such "RESOLVE",,I'm jealous, here i'm having a pity party for my lack of sex when you guys are waiting a lot longer than I think I ever could! I'm so sorry,,I can't fathom the pain, heartache & loneliness in your guys' sitches when mine is just a drop in the bucket,,my GOD how do you get past this pain,,it seems unbearable??!!

3.) I'm gonna have to find that "peace in the storm" somewhere I just can't seem to find it! You would not believe all the things I have tried & H has asked me to do over the years to make myself more desirable to him,,just to be given another task to complete but never gets me to my destination when i've completed them all! You say there are a million things I can do,,,since i'm running out of options & ideas, do you have any??

4.) Hey you're very right,,I did say that,,believe nothing they say & 1/2 of what they do,,,hard words to live by but if I start preaching to others I better start "walkin' the walk"! Hmmm,,,you got me there,,,all good R's begin w/friendship not sex,,,unfortunately, I can count on 1/2 hand the times where sex DID NOT happen 1st,,thats' sad,,I wouldn't even know where to begin since when I try to talk to him aobut things he is interested in he tells me I don't know what i'm talking about & that he'd rather talk to one of his friends in his travel business who knows what their talking about!! I can't compete w/that,,in H's industry 75% are women, 25% are men & 20% of those men are gay,,the other 5% are M'd,,then theres' my H!:( Other times I just let him talk & let off steam about his day at work,listen & validate him,,BUT,,he still goes to someone else to talk about anything including us! Now hes' mad b/c he found some papers(copies of BB posts from friends here supporting me)& H said it was a breach of confidences & that I was telling the world everything!! All i'm trying to do is get support & help,,is that so wrong to ask for??

5.)I understand your POV,,but why does everyone else, who is NOT on the BB's here, notice my huge changes but my H notices nothing,,I think he notices something but wants to hurt me by telling everyone that I have done nothing to improve the sitch or myself,,so I get frustrated! Like today,,I had to call my H at his work, which I do maybe once every 3mons to talk to him re:finding a missing book today or S8 doesn't get his report card tomorrow, I call H's cell-no answer, I call H's home-no answer, I call H's work & one of the girls in his office was down right rude to me, very nasty,,I was very nice when I talked to her(like I usually am), all business, & she was mean!! So in his mind whats good for the goose is not always good for the gander!lol!

6.) Yes, I think I need to own up a little more to this sitch than just playing the "victim"! I've tried to be so proactive but my efforts get rained on by his continual insults,,will have to find a way to not take those personally, especially when they pertain to the kids!! As far as my behaviour goes, re: staying out til 3am, getting drunk, meeting a lot of new people & making new friends, etc.,,,well I really haven't done that before while M'd & it was always me who waited up for H to come home after 3am & sometimes not come home at all w/no phone call!! After a while of calling the hospitals & jails & finding out continually that he was just "passed out" on the side of the road til morning or stayed the night @friends house & forgot to call,,I realized that I could never do that to my kids & never did!!

Soooo,,when its' his night w/kids & i'm alone he tries to contact me when i'm out!! We've switched places temporarily,, the only difference now is that he has no tolerance for it from me when we're S'd and I on the other hand tolerated it for 10yrs from him when we were M'd + I had to keep my mouth shut!!!
What a hipocrit! I guess some people are just born to be "indifferent" & sometimes "intolerable" but expect the world & everyone around them to be the total opposite! I do that now,,,H complained that I always hassled him when he goes on one of his many trips b/c they have parties where they drink, lots of food & dancing, great activities & sight seeing tours,,I stopped ALL initiating communication to him. period,,,stopped asking 1,000 ?'s and he tells me nothing of the parties they have, sometimes lies & says that there weren't any & later someone says something about how drunk he got or something like that but I still kept my mouth shut,,,soooo,,I don't ask anymore, total 180's for me BUT he notices nothing!!

When will he notice any changes,,1yr, 2yrs??

Are they ever remorseful or is it always our fault for everything bad in their life & you have to resign yourself to the fact that that won't change & to "suck it up"??

How can I continue to work so hard & go thru hell for 3 or 4 more yrs of separation when he has already decided its' over & can never be repaired while telling him that I will never see a penny & that I need to pay him CS??

He already tells me that I can't have a R w/his family b/c they don't approve of me anymore BUT he is allowed to contact MY family?? Thats' not right!! Does anyone else see that this is wrong or am I blowing this way out of proportion? As it stands now, I haven't been invited or was said "no" to when asking to go to his yearly family reunion out of state for 4yrs!!

Last but not least,,how do I stop loving him when clearly he has no problem letting go & has moved on w/his life?? Last time this happened w/someone I loved(nearly 21yrs ago),,the only way I got over him was to have someone else in my life!

I'm such a lost & pathetic soul sometimes!!