I'm with BA..grab a drink and lets hit the pool!!!
When I read things like this I feel very fortunate that LSS wasn't the ladskies' bio dad...I don't HAVE to have any contact with him.
It has hurt the boys becuase they still love him and don't know what to do with that love but it's alot easier to be compassionate when I never have to have any connection with him.
Thanks for this. There is nothing wrong with compromise, not at all. I have been willing to compromise along the way.
I know that throwing fuel on the fire will not make it go out. I also know that just because she acts this way doesn't mean I have to. I know already - but your friendly reminder is welcome.
It is easy to allow their behavior to get to you. I was shaking when I was installing the locks yesterday - shaking! I am sick and tired of being scared of what she is going to do. You know, each step of the D process, I felt better and was able to let go. For example, after we signed the D agreement in March 07. Then she would freak out over something and there goes the stress level again - her threatening me along the way.
When does it stop? I don't know if it ever will. But for me, I have made a decision. I WILL NOT let anything she does get to me. Now I know actions are louder than words. But I didn't have to react by getting upset about the items she stole from my home. All I had to do was respond by changing the locks. I know it could have been handled differently and even better. I just grow tired of her garbage - as I said enough is enough. Her behavior is totally draining.
You know - I was very cordial to her this morning and then on the phone about some upcoming childcare arrangements for the summer. She seems fine with the locks being changed and I am so relieved that I have my own living space without her removing items or treating me disrespectfully in my own home. So while changing the locks seemed like a harsh thing to do, it was going to happen within the next two weeks anyways and in the end, perhaps everyone is happier.
When two people butt heads - there is often nothing that will get solved. I know this already, but it is not easy. The stress of this D has gotten to me over the last several months. For me, I need to get back to the high road and my "happy place". It has been so long since I have worked out and I need this for my mental and physical health. I am finally done with her nonesense (for now...). I know there will be more, but if it affects me, I will simply respond instead of react.
Thanks again for the time Althea and others. I do appreciate it.
Just saw this crazyness and thanks, I so needed a laugh. I hope I am laughing with you by now (not at you) as it is the best thing for you to do. Do you have any idea how great these stories will be at the bar next time it is your turn to tell one?
Now I am going to make Three Wishes.
Wish Number One ... buy her a new F**king $100 dollar grille, or a $150 dollar ... what will it take? Don't think "her" old grille will ever get clean enough. No one owes her that anyway. Tell bro to keep it as a gift. Tell X that "her newly gifted one" should be at least as good as the used "shared gifted one" that was not even addressed in the decree. She must choose between new/clean and used/as-is. If you will do it, if she will accept it, pour a drink and think of all the birthday gifts you are not going to buy her, the anniversary gifts, Christmas money you will save.
Wish Number Two ... Start working on a trusted relationship with someone that will baby sit in emergencies. Pay well. Remember it is worth it to not have an X anything enter your home. No excuses. No leverage. No missing soup spoon.
Wish Number Three ... Contemplate on all this stupidity. Understand the nature of it. She is not happy. She is not going to be happy. She has lost control, and doesn't like that. She will never like that. So expect more of the same and be prepared. Be prepared to respond to stupidity with two things. Monty Python style solutions, and a deep reverence for your own mental stability. Don't let stupid get to you. Be Teflon. Apply humor. Season it with your favorite drink. Then laugh your rear off at stupid for all it is worth.
What a blessing this will be for you. Enjoy the view from the high road. Throw used bubble gum out the window at all those below you who prefer to travel the low road. Tell them it is a "gift".
You should always change locks on your castle when someone you can no longer trust had keys. Cost of ownership. You don't need her permission. You don't owe her an explanation. She has no business in your home. She is not your family, and clearly not your friend.
Santhony, besides the fact I want to make a trip to Michigan and let loose a little steam, I want to shake that woman and stomp on her feet!
My former C told me that through a D and about 1 to2 years after, that you can not be friends. So be it. Just take care of you and little kiddles in the way that you know how. Wilson (was too sad) gave excellent advice. I only have this to add:
Plan on having a mutually satisfying, pleasant unattached relationship with XW in a year or two, and allow for the possiblity sooner for the sake of your kids. Hooly. I changed my name a little, as I am spinning too fast and too much on the stripper pole!
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
Thanks for the feedback. Actually Wish 1 and 2 have come true. Well, I am not buying her a new grill, but she was satisfied with the idea that she will get it returned to her however my bro plans to clean it.
Locks were changed that day - Done! But I let her get to me, which leads me to wish 3...
I decided after I changed the locks that I have to do exactly what you pointed out in Wish 3 - to be teflon, to laugh at it, to let it roll off. I was so furious over what she had done - the audacity of her to remove my things from the house simply because her childish behavior wouldn't allow us to simply argue/negotiate/talk about the grill. I didn't think it was hers. She thought it was hers. We would have arrived at a solution if she would have allowed it. Instead she tells me she will take what she wants from the home. As I said childish - but it affected me. I reacted instead of responded.
I was shaking while I was changing the locks. I was frantic. I was trying to get this done before this person returned. I was a physical mess and no idea what else she had taken. Just when I thought she wouldn't do anything else, she did exactly what I was afraid of her doing when I let her watch the children from inside my home - stealing from me. In the end, the grill issue is solved, she no longer has access to the house, and my items have been returned. But all I had to do was respond to this madness by asking for my things back and changing the locks. I shouldn't have allowed this to affect me so much. I vowed after that day not to allow her madness to have power over me.
Trouble is, that is easier said than done. I got into a small argument with her yesterday. I didn't let it affect me, but I cannot believe the garbage that comes out of her mouth. After we finished arguing I thought to myself - Why did I just have that argument with her? She isn't going to see it my way. She hasn't through this whole mess. She isn't going to ever admit she is wrong and her entire family is going to believe what they want about me based on the fabrications she makes. So why even try? At this point, she isn't going to admit she is doing anything wrong and had justified her actions by any means necessary. So for me, it was time to stop doing what isn't working. I am done arguing with her. She is a lost cause.
So, how to I go from here? Well - Holly you said don't plan on being friends or getting along. How do we make this work for our children?
For one, I have tremendous issues with XBIL and don't even want him to set foot on my property. There is unresolved business between him and I - he was my brother, he was my friend, I employed him, he was my sisters husband, he is my children's uncle. You cannot forgive someone who hasn't asked for it nor has said he is sorry. I have let it go myself, but I really don't care to see him ever again.
I am cordial to XW. Day after the lock changing blowout, I could have been a complete ass to her. I wasn't. I was cordial. But unfortunately, no one writes a manual on how to do this going forward. I have no issues with her family, yet I am told that her family hates the ground I walk on. So here I am teaching my children how to respect themselves, their things and other things, and how to respect others - especially their elders. Every time they leave the house, I remind them to be respectful to Mommy and Uncle XBIL. To be respectful to their Grandpa (XW dad) and Grandma (XW step mom). Yet one day that XW's dad was dropping off the kids, I just see kids come in the back door and XW's dad speeding off down the road. D6 comes in and is complaining about a stomach ache and D11 is trying to explain why. Is this respectful? XW's Dad is putting his own "whatever" in the way of the children's needs. I needed to know what is going on with D6's stomach. I need to know what she ate. Yet this guy due to his own immaturity runs away like a little baby because he has some serious problem with me for the way I treated his daughter? How do you teach your children respect when this is what they are subject to?
When they came in the door, I asked D10 and D11 - "where is Grandpa at?" They said "He just took off." I said "What is wrong with D6? Why did Grandpa leave?". D11 and D10 didn't know and I shook my head. Would you believe D11 asks "Daddy - that wasn't very respectful was it?"
This is going to be an uphill battle my friends. Dealing with selfish childlike XW and her selfish childlike family. Again, I will create my own experience and create one for my children as well. As they grow up, they will be able to figure out on their own who is full of it and who isn't. As I have said before, I wish they didn't have to go through this. Too bad XW feels like "everything is fine. Children are doing great." Just reminds me how disconnected she is from reality.
Pray for my children my friends. I will do the best that I can. If anyone has suggestions on how to deal with her, XBIL, and her family, I would love to hear them.
The xuncledud will always be an oddity to the kids. They will never feel his is family and will always remember the pain shared by all in their home at xw's exit.
That will always be the elephant in the room.
It will for a long time prevent the kids from having a complete connection with xgrandad and xgrandma, even though they may still technically be grandad/grandma.
The thing they will remember the most, that will define you the most in their hearts and minds is that you don't speak badly of xpeople. When these new soulmates transition to just being two people that gave in to adulterous passions, you won't need to tell the kids anything. They are incredible creatures and will know more than they want to remember.
