Need Veteran Piecer's Advice - desperately!!!

[Upside]

I am so sorry HB. I know everyone says it isn't your fault, you don't deserve this, it is his problem, etc. but none of that really makes you feel any better. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Just focus as much as you can on you and the kids for now.

There was a book called Rebuilding (don't know the author at the moment) that I thought was pretty good when I went through my divorce from my first H.

Be strong for your kids and yourself. You can get through this.

Lots of Hugs!!!

UD

[KMFLA]

HB

Sorry to hear you are in this place right now. Please take it slow. I know you want to be in a better place soon but that truly does not mean it has to be divorce.

You can be civil with each other but I would not go through the process of divorce "together". Please get seperate attorneys and let your H start the process. This doesn't mean you have to be uncooperative or nasty but you certainly can let him do the initial leg work. You just dont walk away from a marriage of this many years in several months... no matter what he may think at this time... it just doesnt happen.

Take a step back and try to pull yourself together so you can be supportive to the kids etc. No need to even tell the kids of the pending divorce just yet. Just continue down the seperation path as far as the kids are concern. Try your best to detach from H for the next few weeks. This will help you pull yourself together.

[Delil@h]

It is so, so, painful sweetie,, vent, scream and cry! ( my tears dried out for awhile too and then I just felt this dull ache in my chest and when I finally cried it eased that pressure!) Mourn your loss ....this change will not come overnite,, you are right!
NO~ you cannot erase 20 years in weeks. I used to say this all the time! And mine was only 10! So this qwill take time,,, baby steps,, or even crawling like I used to feel like I could only do. I did not eat either. IT surely is an indesrcibable pain but as you focus on you day by day it will help you. I worked hard on detaching and still had emotions we are afterall only human. GIVE yourself time honey...
God bless, ALI

[Heartbroken]

Well another swell ride UP on this damn rollercoaster.

H's best friend talked to him today and got H to see maybe we should try one (?) session at MC - this is good. I will take this positive even if it just helps me to understand why he so wants out. I told H that he knows I am willing to go to a MC but he has to decide - I do not want to be accused of controling him down this path. H feels we need to slow down - that he needs to slow down and relax a little. I said that would be good b/c I was so stressing over a mortgage even w/alimony it would be so tight.

I am going to truly detach and prep myself for the D unknowns. You will not believe the GAL'ing I am going to do and focus on ME AND THE KIDS. I am done persuing and chasing and crying. This is my time and he can see what a true separation feels like.

I either will get a chance to get my best friend back or the peace I so desire! I think I will finally sleep tonight!

Please let me know the best things to do with detaching - any help would be appreciated!!

THanks!

HB

[imLIN]

Plan your dream cruise for some time a year from now...even if you and H do work things out...you still go!...this is what I am doing...I am going places and doing things even though we are now together...and I started this after he left me...I need to keep MY LIFE...I gave it over to him once before and it so crippled me...I didn't realize how much...so not this time...I am woman hear me roar!!!

Give yourself a goal reward (like a cruise or vacation with the kids) that you can look forward to...no matter what...you do what you have planned...this is getting a life and making plans regardless of what H does or doesn't do!

Let the kids have sleepovers that you participate in...have your own ladies night...or movie night...or special TV show night (my son and I did Survivor...my girls did The Office)...no matter what H comes up with it is "Sorry, this is ______ night. Maybe some other time."...Invite g/f's over to play cards...or whatever...join Jazzercize (I have done this with my girls...and suprisingly I LOVE IT)....

I think your H has NOT made a decision...he talks the talk to his C and to you...but in his deepest part of his soul he is still confused...I saw this with my H...at about the same age...duh! MLC!!!!...but for you own sake...you need YOUR life...and a FAMILY life with the kids...so do what you ALL enjoy...and just don't even include H...at first it will be hard but soon you will see how fun it is....I am a mystery shopper so I could take my kids places and get reimbursed....this allowed us to go out to nice restaurants...amusement parks....hotels...even getting my oil changes...I used to take H with me and when we were separated he made fun of me for always going out "when it was free"...well guess what???...He doesn't make fun of me anymore since we are tight on funds...this is one way we get to do things...and I get lots of right-offs for it on my taxes...how does that saying go???...He who laughs first, laughs last...well I now have the first laugh!

Your doing great...be strong...grow strong...find you!...and have fun doing it!

Lin

[ourcrisis]

HB, take care and yes, GAL. When things were bad with h, I joined a bowling group by myself without knowing anyone there. First time I did that in my life. it was good and I made friends. (I was in a safe town so i was blessed this way not having to worry about meeting stalkers and such). Call up old friends. I realize how many of them are actually SO willing to go out and hang out. guess most of our lives are actually pretty boring.
I sense that your h is still confused deep inside. He seems civil so really there is no hurry. Use this time truly for yourself. Go sit in a coffeeshop and read a whole book (no R book), just like the movies, and let h have the kids. I will say probably very few of us married with kids folks have done that for a while.
You are doing great. To see you bounce back so quickly is AMAZING. You are STRONG. Take care.

[Heartbroken]

Thanks ladies!

I actually slept last night. I am going out with GFs tonight, will hit some garage sales tomm. The kids are with H tonight and Sat. night. D(almost 13) does not even want to go - she is getting mad at H and I have asked her to talk to him. She's afraid he'll get mad at me and I told her that is not the case. She's saying stuff like if you and dad D then I do not want to live with him....she's imagining the worse already (like her mom)...

We do have S9 first baseball game Sat. afternoon- obviously he wants me there do I go and sit apart from H - this is weird how do I handle this one? Most people do not know we are separated (for the kids sakes at this time). I am not sure if I should go? They have games ea. Tues/Thurs until we leave for vacation 6/23 - so six games. Do we just swap which ones we go to? That's how our D friends did it last year - is that how it would be in D. I am sure every sitch is different...

Thanks again for all your support! Feel a little better today and each day will get better.

[Heartbroken]

My brother says I need to let H set up the MC session - he can ask for my help but that he needs to actually want to do it otherwise I fall into that same control boat. How do I handle this with H?

Not sure of how to find a good therapist - ours from my work just don't seem to truly get it. How could his IC tell him he is thinking fine when he still feels so unhappy - not sure what line of bull H gave...

I feel we may have only one shot at a MC session and it had better be good...

[KMFLA]

Heartbroken

By all means you both should go to the baseball games. Sit with him and just enjoy watching your son. As hard as it may seem act like things are ok without getting into R talk. Dont act like you are already D because you are not. Be upbeat and detach detach detach....

This approach will help you and will be great for the kids. The one thing you have to try to be is pleasant with each other in front of the kids. This only helps H realize what he may be giving up.

With regards to MC I would let H take the lead on this. If he asks for you to help find one then go ahead otherwise let him take the lead.

[Heartbroken]

Well I went to the baseball game - looking good and being VERY positive. Even flirted with the two single dad's of friends of my S9.

H and I talked non R stuff for the whole game - let him lead with work stuff and how the kids were last night.

THEN after the game he was stating how S9 was asking where H would live if we D'd. He told S9 that I would get a condo and he would stay at the house and we'd stay at the same schools and blah blah blah and H says I think he's taking it just fine. Well I asked him what happen to slowing down the D train and he said well that's what you wanted and he said it to help me along since I was having such a hard time talking D.

I said I want the next two mos as a real separation and if per chance he wants us to go to a MC he needs to take the lead and that I would go. I asked if he's talked to his parents - NO...

Well I left and the kids are still w/H tonight - I feel so so alone right now. I do not think I have even felt this lonely - maybe when he started all this [censored] last August I felt a bit worse - but I am sure in a world of hurt right now.

GOing to take a bath, took two simply sleeps pills - hopefully I can relax somewhat and sleep tonight...

Tomorrow I have three more condos to see...need to start facing the truth - or at least H's perspectives as crazy as they must be...

Take care everyone and I hope you are all doing better than me tonight!