I used to think exactly as you do, LFL, and have the old posts to prove it. My M has shocked the crud outta me and only having gone thru the fire can I say that I was wrong, completely, about my H.
He is a normal male in every way. His thought process, his drives, his fantasies, all of it.
What wasn't normal was the way WE interacted with each other. I seemed to bring out the unmanliness in him and he seemed to bring out the take-charge-fella in me. We had to go through all this crap..that is well documented on the board..and then this weird thing happened where I just..let go. I can't say it was intentional--not at all--but we finally starting interacting in a way that allowed him to learn how to be the male of the R, in every way, and I could learn how to let him lead me. What we were doing before, and I suspect you are doing in your M, was that I was in charge of our R and I wanted him to magically be the leader in the bedroom. Don't get me wrong--I didn't *want* all the control of the R..he shoved it on me when he didn't feel comfortable leading and still does (what R is ever really 'finished' after all?) and I didn't know how to handle that. I'm still working on it but we have progressed to a point where he can pound his chest and be a guy in front of me without guilt, fear, shame and his personal demon: self-consciousness. Me, I've learned a whole lot too but I don't want to go into that now; I want to offer you some encouragement that your H possesses all that he needs to top your top, inside him, all guys do most likely. For that matter, all females possess inside them the ability to let their guys lead them and be a nice little wifey and that is a learning process, too. It is easier, however, to focus on the other person and what they may or may not have and that conveniently gets us off the hook, eh! IOW, he can't top your top until you learn how to be a better bottom. I never really set out to learn how to be a better bottom, it just sortof happened and, man, as soon as I did--I mean, for real let it be a part of me, he instantly topped my top. Instantly. It still blows my mind!
My H and I were jokin the other night about what a typical, testosterone-laden butthead he is and it just seemed surreal and natural all at the same time.
