Kim07 Separated 4 Years

[COG]

Kim,

1.)Fight like hell to save my marriage and use the tools Michele & you guys have given me or 2.) Give up a losing battle & walk away knowing in the end that I did everything I could to save this M.

You have so many more options than that. You don't like your H being so black and white, so you should try to avoid that also. There are a million options, and scenario's. Maybe start by finding peace in the storm.

My understanding, at the appt. listening to H, was he picked #2

You said it yourself, believe mostly in what they do, and little in what they say. He came to C with you, regardless of what he said, he came, for you. That's a positive, avoid spinning it into a negative. All good R's start with friendship, not sex. Try to see this as a beginning, not an end. This is a new guy you've just met. How should you treat him, feel about him, etc.

To top that all off,,we have not ML going on 6wks now

Oh hey, don't even go there. I'm in the sex starved marriage thread right now. Those folks over there, including me, would give our right arms to have had sex six weeks ago, or even six months ago. In fact I can count on one hand the number of times I've had sex in the last 6 years and I'm HD. The first 10 years were awesome, but post bomb, it's been dead on her end. But I can also say, that the sacrifice has been worth it. My W and I have a nice M, and we're still growing.

been doing this since Dec. 06(

Well if it's any consolation, it took at least a year before I started noticing results.

Did you have R's w/other people while you were S'd that included hugs, hand holding, kissing??

No. I had a couple of pretty close friendships, but I cut them off when it started getting too close. Not that I did'nt want it, but I knew it would'nt help our R. I also knew that if I did, then that would give my W a green light to do it. So I did'nt go there.

I could never get married to the same person again knowing that i'm going in front of GOD to make ANOTHER vow that i'm promising to keep,,when I couldn't keep the same promise the 1st time??! Somehow I just can't come to terms w/that!

Oh I hear you there. I spoke with a very knowledgeable pastor who told me according to the bible, we are allowed to divorce under certain circumstances, infedelity being one, however, if we do D then we are not allowed to remarry or that would be adultry. Now what kind of crappy rule is that? But if you think about it, God knew what He was doing when he made it. M is a not just a promise, it is a covenant that can not be broken. Our society does a real good job of faking it, but........ It stinks even more when your S leaves you and goes on without guilt or remorse, free to frolic wherever they want.

Then when I do go on a trip by myself(180)or out partying until 3am(GAL) & tell him about it later b/c he askes, he gets mad & starts accusing me of sleeping around

Well that's not fair is it? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. But if YOU stay out partying untill 3am, then I suppose you would be completely supportive of your H staying out partying until 3am?

My gut feeling is that you might still be a bit in denial about YOUR contribution to the failure of the M. That this is more about YOUR behaivior than you want to admit or take responsibility for. That it's comfortable being the victim because then YOU don't have to be accountable.

I think that your sitch has far more potential than you think, and that negative thoughts are blinding you to the miracles that can and do happen. It sounds like going dark, did'nt work very well. So, try another approach. There's a time to sit back and wait, and a time to kick ass and take names. I'd like to see you do the latter, but start with your ass first.

Hang in there girl!

Love,

COG