Kim07 Separated 4 Years

[Kim07]

Thanks COG for setting that up for me,,now if I can learn how to link threads, take someone elses quotes & bring them into my posts,,i'd be good to go! He, He

Some things were said at that appt yesterday that lead me to believe that he has already moved on and i'm at a crossroads here,,I can 1.)Fight like hell to save my marriage and use the tools Michele & you guys have given me or 2.) Give up a losing battle & walk away knowing in the end that I did everything I could to save this M.

My understanding, at the appt. listening to H, was he picked #2,,so i'm really at a loss here,,I guess I have to decide whether I want to continue or not,,just so hard when I do all these things, GALing, DBing, detaching, LRT and get no encouragement or feedback for that matter from H,,,"the dog has no bone, no incentive in front of him to make him run"~~thats' how I feel! I don't initiate e-mails, TM's or calls anymore(a huge 180 for me)unless he does 1st & its' about the kids,,been doing this since Dec. 06(backslid 3 or 4 times) & its' still not working! I've added other things in there to change what i'm doing per DB coaches to get responses but to no avail!

To top that all off,,we have not ML going on 6wks now(before it was 5wks & before that it was 5 1/2wks)and even tho he says there is no OW he is LD & wouldn't matter to him anyway! For me, i'm HD and very touchy feely type person so it matters to me a lot and i'm not getting what I need thru other means,,if you know what I mean?!

When GALing I am constantly asked to go home w/other men, they flirt w/me, invite me on trips, to dinner, out drinking, etc.,,,if H knew about this he would say(& has in the past) if it makes you happy, go do it, I can't stop you-w/a smile on his face! Then when I do go on a trip by myself(180)or out partying until 3am(GAL) & tell him about it later b/c he askes, he gets mad & starts accusing me of sleeping around BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ASK HIM ?'s b/c in his words,,"thats' why we are not living together b/c you don't trust me!"

So I just stop the accusations & not say anything, don't initiate by calling, TMing, emailing, etc. & then HE says to Michele that for the last 6months its' been like a ton of bricks lifted off his shoulders, its' been wonderful(sex 4 or 5 times(instead of 24-30), no longer doing things as a family, no longer seeing same C, no outings together, no contact unless on his terms, no time together, no spending time at each others' house, no working out together, no church together),,,then she says, "What did she do differently to make that happen?"-no response from H & then the subject was changed!! WTH??

Did you have R's w/other people while you were S'd that included hugs, hand holding, kissing?? Loaded ? I know but I just am having such a hard time w/this b/c I feel that my life is passing me by & I don't want to die lonely! I've always had physical affection in my life & can't imagine living my life from day to day w/the thought that if it comes up now & in the future I have to stop & say "No,,I can't do this b/c i'm saving myself for someone else and then in the end H never coming back & had already indulged himself while spouting "I did BUT you can't, ha ha!" Is this what you call a "boundry"? I thought I stopped being a doormat when I stopped initiating, GALing & saying "no" to sex & keeping my distance after telling him that if I didn't TM him back right away, don't take it to heart, it probably means i'm busy & I will eventually get back to you & he said "o.k.",,,use to be a big thing for me w/him, i'd get upset if he didn't answer w/in an hr or so & if it were 6hrs or more i'd get steaming mad,,don't anymore b/c it doesn't matter,,i'm keeping myself busy!

I did start asking for gifts back,,i.e. V-day gifts that were in his garage in a box next to an open window(I had decorated his office-as a sugg.180 & it ended up coming down 2days later), I gave him an engraved, Bulova watch for his b-day in March(at x-mas he gave me a digi camera & DVD player)-he still doesn't wear it! He said he "lost" the 2nd wedding ring I bought him & I found it in his car(junk tray) when I borrowed the car so now I have both(he never liked wearing them),,,there are other things as well that I think if I didn't ask for he would end up throwing away or destroying.

I think he has already made up his mind for sure and there is no going back w/him,,,thats' just the way he is,,,he let go of his S19@age 18 for good reasons BUT he will not even consider a convo. w/him, dinner invite any help whether emotional or monetarily and I believe that kids need to learn how to live on there own BUT its' like he has become his father & "disowned" him! Makes me very sad! Why does everything have to be black or white??? And don't even get me started on the oldest S21,,H won't even talk to him & H tells me that I alone & w/help of my parents screwed up the 1st two,,he doesn't want me screwing up the last two,,,this kills me,,I don't know how to handle this??!! I know we've all done things wrong in raising our kids but geesh, does that mean the mothers' have to be punished & banished from their kids lives?? I don't think so!!

Michele also asked,,"When you are alone, do you ever think that you might be making the wrong decision about getting a D?"
H says,,"To be completely honest w/u, no."~~~Devastating!
I compliment him all the time on stuff he does at work, w/the kids, w/the old house(sometimes),,he takes it all in but gives none of it in return to me(only others)only laughs when i'm hurt(altho he will say, no I didn't & smile). Its' as if he almost delights in hurting me~~thats' when I compare this to WAR:
"They have to demonize you in order to feel justified in killing you". So confusing,,so I back off even more.

As far as GOD goes,,,I have been praying, others have been praying for us and I have gone a few times to the church we were married in, i'm episcopalian, to ask for forgiveness for being a bad W & how to rectify this ending w/MY SAVIOUR'S help,,,the only answer I have gotten lately from looking way deep down inside is that,,no matter what I do or what I change, H will never want to save this M,,,once we get D'd,,thats' it,,I could never get married to the same person again knowing that i'm going in front of GOD to make ANOTHER vow that i'm promising to keep,,when I couldn't keep the same promise the 1st time??! Somehow I just can't come to terms w/that!

I am grateful,,and told my H afterwards, thanks for coming to my C appt. but he made it very clear that he was only doing this for me,,to help me realize what my faults in the M were & to fix them so they are not repeated in other R's w/other men,,I do agree w/that altho the part about H saying hes' only doing it for me was disturbing!

Today,,,oviously is a bad PMA day for me & will again spend as much time w/my kids as possible b/c you have to live each day as it is your last,,as H put it! H also said that he is "very old", not 17, 20 or 30yrs old,,he is 41yrs old!! And that he is tired of the games i'm playing,,WTH???

Thanks, COG for your undying devotion to us & your great wisdom,,you have given me a lot of things to ponder!

Any input from anyone is very much appreciated & considered

Kim