Your title was what brought me to your thread. It described me to a T. We have been over this conversation so much. He is still so very angry about how he was treated during my depression. He says it's a relief to be away from me, that I was oppressive and kept him under a leash. He said he hated who I had become and just stopped caring.
My mom died when I was 18. DH and I had been dating for about 6 months. Before my mom died (it wasn't a long illness or anything, but maybe she knew she was going to die?)... she told me "B is a good guy... hang on to him." Heaven knows I'm hanging on... LOL!! My dad was never in my life much. I'll swear forever he liked B more than me. Anyway, he died last year. My sister is in WA and we're in SC. Her DH was gonna go, but my DH didn't want to go. I had to fight for him to go. He was very resentful. As much as my dad and I were estranged, he was still my dad, but DH said he didn't see why I would be upset at his death. Anyway, the night of the service, DH got stinking drunk. I left him, my sister and her DH at a bar and went back to the hotel. They came home hours later and I remember him standing (barely) outside of the door saying "I hate her... I hate her... I hate her..." over and over. If our flight hadn't been canceled the next morning, I was going to file for D. We spent the entire day together at the airport and things settled down.
Because of all that... my mom dying young and my dad never being around... C has said I have abandonment issues. Ya think? Especially once DH left after his A? Hello? I WAS abandoned... who wouldn't have issues???? And then he abandoned me again. Duh. Yeah, I'll admit I have issues.
I told you we're supposed to go to Atlanta this weekend. He wants to make it a one day trip. 3 hours there... 3 hours back. The graduation party is at 2. I tried to talk him into going down Saturday night, but he's adamant that we not.
We have C first thing Monday morning.
Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing... why I'm doing this... why I'm fighting for this. I feel weak for continuing to hang on to hope, but it has seemed like the right thing to do. *shrug*
In reading your post today... DH has said how could I not know he was growing despondent. I said how could you not know I was depressed. It's like a pissing contest to see who is more hurt. I've said let's have a truce cuz I'll always feel I got the worse end of the deal, since he deliberately had an A and I didn't deliberately get depressed. He said if this didn't happen (the A and him leaving), I would still be that depressed person. I told him that was untrue cuz I had just got my first job in like 11 years and I had just bought a new "girl" wardrobe... as a matter of fact, I was out shopping while he was consummating his affair (the day before our 18th wedding anniversary). I said he didn't even give me a chance. He says he has noticed that I'm changing, but is mad that it took so long. He said he had to leave so I could continue and he couldn't continue to hold me up. I told him he's missing out on someone special.
I'm sure I'm over-sharing, but this gives you a better idea of the torment I'm living through.
I'm going out with a GF tonight, while DS is at the mall. I invited DH over for cake at 9:30 after I get DS (and after the "music on main" is over).
At least you'll be occupied tomorrow... LOL and probably tonight with the preparation?!!
