I didn't speak very much with my ex after the "spring break" conversation. There were a couple of times she called to fuss at me about some silly things and I finally had to put that to rest. This is how it unfolded:
Me: I would appreciate you not talking to me like that.
She: I'm not yelling and you know this is just the way I talk.
Me: Maybe, but not to me anymore. Do you want some time to collect your thoughts and try again later?
She: Yes.......click
The call back went a lot differently. So this was the first time I put my foot down in a firm but nice way. Things starting changing after that. A close friend suggested that my passive, don't care attitude when dealing with my ex was counter-productive. Although I was trying to stay out of her business and just move forward with my life, she may have been interpreting my actions/behaviors as if I didn't have an interest in reconciling. I was giving this demeanor of if you come back fine, if you don't fine.
The potential issue is this really was similar to my ex's perception of me during our marriage.....one of which I didn't care or love her. I conteplated my friend's comments and their theory that my ex was truly looking for me to take a stand and fight for her return.
I ultimately decided that was the approach I was going to take and did so in a phone call a few days after Mother's Day. I won't detail it here but I made it very clear that I was no longer going to be aloof in fear of my own emotions or attempt to conceal my thoughts about her.
The following day, she sent me an email thanking me for the talk and that she appreciated having me in her life. She also thanked me for working so hard to become the man she had always wanted to be with.
She came to visit Memorial Day weekend. I opened my home back up to her again after not offering the previous trip requiring her to stay in a hotel. She invited me to participate in all of her outings with our son and we had lots of fun. The ex and I also got some alone time after our son went to bed each night. We talked about anything that popped into our heads....but no talk about us. It was like a date in some ways.
When it came time to leave on Monday, I walked her to the car as I have done the previous two visits to my home, fully expecting the customary hug and thank you that she had provided in the past. Like clockwork, the hug began with her saying all of the cliche things about having fun and thanks etc. This time as she pulled away from the hug, she leaned in and gave me a peck on the lips. It caught me by surprise so much that it was over before I even realized what was happening.
She called a couple of times during her road trip back home to provide progress reports. She called the following morning to let me know she REALLY enjoyed the weekend.
I am now in that middle ground. Too much of something could backfire while at the same time, not enough could remind her too much of the old me. I have to somehow take a page from "Baby Bear" and find the approach that is "just right".
