JustD -- I have to say I never understood completely when people would talk about finding friends online; I thought it would be a lot like pen pals, which never really worked for me. But I've been really enjoying sharing with you, and it is eery how many things seem to coordinate between us.
I think there are few things more scary than having a child with heart problems. Even though his first 6mos were insane, S2 today is great. We had been going back to the hospital in Iowa City once every couple years to have him followed, but about a year and a half ago, they did an echocardiogram on him and decided they needed to see him in a year. That was followed up with an appointment at 6mos -- which came 8 days after H dropped the bomb! I was so afraid that the docs were going to say S2 would need a valve replacement - the only potential future issue he still faces -- and talk about being a wreck! I was still reeling from H's leaving, and I was with S2 on my own. Good news was that the issues they were watching turned out to have reversed, so no valve replacement in the near future! Now we go back in July for another follow-up; I don't think H will come then either - b/c of schedules I've usually been the one to take S2, and now, H says he doesn't want to be seen as the "bad husband who has abandoned his family..." (Uhh, and so what is he??? )
This whole thing didn't put me into my general depression -- I think that had been around for a number of years due to my sister's death (I have a great series of crises to share some day. )-- but I know it didn't help, and it definitely lead to difficulties betw. H&me and challenges for S1 who was 4 at the time.
It's looking back at all of these things that makes me remorseful, and I will always wonder how I closed myself off during these times in ways that only made H's emotional connection issues stronger. BUT, there's no gain in obsessing over the past, right.
Today is a beautiful day, and tomorrow - which was my sister's birthday - I will be having about 20 teenagers over at my house for a bon-fire. I hope the rain stays away, or else they are all going to be inside. I think that as much fun as the bon-fire should be, I will be ready to do a half-day zen buddhist retreat on Saturday. I'm not disciplined enough to be a good buddhist, and I have this nagging need to believe in God, but I love the time to meditate and I'm trying to keep from living in my head so much. I'll let you know if it works.
Glad that things yesterday went well and that you and the kids are doing so well. I know that as much as I worry about how the possible future might impact my boys - aka maybe D - I'm really glad that they are in my life as they keep me from losing my life into whatever might be out there.
I'll check back tonight and see if you have left any more messages.
Now we go back in July for another follow-up; I don't think H will come then either - b/c of schedules I've usually been the one to take S2, and now, H says he doesn't want to be seen as the "bad husband who has abandoned his family..." (Uhh, and so what is he??? 
) 
)-- but I know it didn't help, and it definitely lead to difficulties betw. H&me and challenges for S1 who was 4 at the time. 
I hope the rain stays away, or else they are all going to be inside. I think that as much fun as the bon-fire should be, I will be ready to do a half-day zen buddhist retreat on Saturday. I'm not disciplined enough to be a good buddhist, and I have this nagging need to believe in God, but I love the time to meditate and I'm trying to keep from living in my head so much. I'll let you know if it works.
