Kim07 Separated 4 Years

[COG]

Kim,

I read some of you first posts, so I have a little of your background. You are new to DB, and it may take awhile to see results, but here's a few positives that I see in your sitch.

1) You are still on speaking terms.
2) He's not pushing for D
3) You are still in C, at least as of a couple months ago.
4) You are still looking for solutions.

Read Divorce Recovery and and let it sink in.

Here are some of the things that I did to help me through:

1) Throw away the calendar, stop counting how long it's taking.
2) GAL
3) Stop being a doormat
4) Let God be your guide, best friend, and C.

If it would have taken 10 years for W and I to create the R we have now it would have been worth it. So don't count how many days, months or years it'll take. Just live life one day, one moment at a time.

Getting a life for me was to stop focusing on "us", and start focusing on "me". You H travels all around the world and you stay home depressed, sad, left out. Well, the solution is easy. If you like to travel, then go, on your own and then come home and tell H how much fun you had.

Stop being a doormat. It's not OK that your H has an add on soul.mate but freaks out that you had one on singleparent. So, he needs to know that. It sounds a little bit like you need to set some boundaries with him. If he's a jerk to you, then it's OK for you to tell him so. But please not in the heat of battle, let things settle first, then bring it up and firmly set your boundaries.

This was a tough one for me because I was trying to be the best little H that I could be. Well she just was whiping her feet on me so, after about 3 years separated, I finally had enough and stood my ground. We were back living together within about a year.

Let God be your guide. A spiritual life is so important. There is a God, and He's attempting to guide us all. So many people have gifts and powers that they leave dormant because they don't believe. He will counsel you. W and I were in C for a year or so together, and I kept going alone for another year or so. C was good at dredging up the muck, but did'nt offer us any real solutions.

The solutions, come from within and they will come clear when you pray and meditate. In my experience, and like me, most LBS see themselves as a victim, left for no good reason. Well, in my case, there was good reason. I got an F as a H. I thought I should recieve an A, and I fought to defend my position for many years, until God made it clear for me. I saw my faults, MY sins, My shortcomings and worked to change those. Change for my own good, MY own eternal salvation, and I let go the need to control my W, to fix her.

I began to learn how to love her unconditionally. I let her go and realized that I had to move on with MY life. What she did was between her and God, and I am not to judge.

The best advice I can give is to just keep trying new things, new attitudes, new ideas. Keep the one's that work, and stop the one's that don't work.

Hang in there, change your stratedgy, don't give up!

God Bless,

COG