Well, the board is kinda slow today, so I guess I'll do an update of sorts.
Bridget, thanks for the visits and the well wishes. Anytime you're in the neighborhood, feel free to drop in, always glad to have ya and I keep a warm pot of coffee on at all times...
Things are going well. In June, it will be a year since we started "trying" to piece our M together. Recently, it has been very clear that we both want to stay in this M, but we both still have fears of ghosts of years past creeping back, fear of old patterns returning ... not that they are now, but the fear is still there and it can get uncomfortable.
For me, this fear is the fuel I use to continue to seek to keep the positives going that maintain we continue to draw closer together, but I wonder if that is the proper source to substain my motivation. How can one be so fearful, yet achieve peace of mind that all is and will be well?
Too deep? Well, I probably should journal here what I had already mentioned on Jethro's thread as it is an important discovery towards what works towards drawing us closer together ... How to go about "asking for what you want".
Don't ask for what you want directly (as in, "If you would do...) , for it will be preceived as an expectation for them to deliver upon, whether they want to or not. A mechanism of pressure, that can be preceived as control / trapping, which can lead to feelings of guilt or anger ... frustration for not being recognized / appreciated for what they feel is their way of giving ... and of coarse, this impact us in a negative way as well, as we don't receive validation for something we have asked for.
Instead, express what you want as choice they are free to make of their own accord - "if I received A or B, this is how I would feel".
Utterly summed it up nicely, so I will use his words:
"Give them the information they need to make their own decisions without having to mindread."
I'll cut it off here as I don't want to get to long-winded here.
KAw..that is great that you at least know that you and your wife want to make your m work...that gives you the foundation to apply all that you learned...I have read so many different things..come here for advice...searched my soul and heart...asking God for help and strength..I feel like I am becoming a new person..not changing who I really am..but understanding what it takes to have a meaningful marriage...giving your partner freedom to have friends outside of the m..I can't say the past 24 years have been unhappy at all..but there is so much more to a m then either one of us realize. Keep doing what you are...you have surely helped me to step back at times...and be patient.
Hope your day is going well. Thanks for dropping by with cinammon rolls over at my place.
(Yum, with icing!)
Can you tell I'm getting my appetite back after starving myself silly over my ruined marriage? Hee hee.
I realllllllly like when you ponder and suggest ideas. You are good at it. More more more!
Yes, journal! You really help a lot of people when you share your (heavy) thoughts.
That chapter in DR about "ask for what you want" was never in the scheme for me, for us. We weren't speaking, he was out there, and when he came home, he didn't re-commit. My needs were not in the picture.
The only way I'm getting them met is taking care of them myself.
I'm no longer bitter about that. It's my responsibility, and it's can become a pleasure, I think (now that I permitted myself to buy that cherry-colored guitar).
But if we were to work on our M again, meeting my needs would be part of the equation. Just how to do it? Your ponderings are apt, and valid.
What are you doing currently to get your needs met?
Here's the list of needs I copied from somewhere and organized in priority order for me. How would you organize it for you? Would your W's priorities be different?
I'm trying to meet these needs without my H now. I probably got too dependent on him to meet them for me over the years, anyway. Maybe we all do in our marriages, especially if we're together a long time. It can break you if your needs aren't met -- a main cause of marital distress, as we know.
Affection Honesty and openness Conversation Admiration Sexual fulfillment Domestic support Recreational companionship Physical attractiveness Family support Financial support
For the second time this week, I find myself posting to another thread something that is meaningful to myself, so I'm going to stick here to keep my thoughts collected. Maybe my next thread will end up being a compiling of my posts to others...
Quoting KAW: I finally starting to understand what Michelle means by "Time is on your side." Not only does it take time for the WAS to reallize the M can work and turns back, but it takes time for us to be convinced M can work too. Its just that they go through it first. Yes, we decided to struggle to save our M, but that is not the same as knowing it will work. Our efforts to save our M, shows the WAS it can work, so they come back, but we still have not seen such efforts from their behalf so we start having doubts as to whether it can work. The roles are reversed in a way and as long as it took for our WAS to come back ... its fair to say it will take that long for both of us to get back in sync again in terms of feeling good and comfortable in M.
When you start to take note that the 180's in their actions are real and here to stay, that's when we will know this is all working!!!
Hope all have a Happy Easter and enjoy the weekend...
KAW...you always bring a smile to my face when I read your uplifting posts.Maybe you should publish all your great ideas, thoughts, advice!! You are able to sort through and write in words what so many of us struggle with...and in a caring and thoughful way...Thanks...
Bridget, my absence had nothing to do with what you had posted. Just been busy livin' life. Lurking a bit here, but haven't had much to add, so I've been poking around some in Newcomers. April has been great so far. Been getting a lot of what I want without having to ask.
Sue, thanks for asking about the W. Overall, she's doing better. Now that spring is here, she's been much more active, so we've been doing lotsa stuff together. Panic attacks have nearly subsided. Unfortunately, she had developed a sharp pain in her right foot. Doctor has ruled out bone facture and joint inflamation. Now it looking to be related to her diabetes.
Last week she had the week off from work. Two of the days, she requested that I stay home with her. It didn't take much convince for me to call into work. The weather finally got nice enough to have the first seasonal toss of the frisbee with D9. After a bit, W came outside and said she wanted to go for a walk with me ... first time in two years. She held onto my arm the whole time.
In the later part of the week she told me she made an appointment with C for Saturday. She made the comment that she hoped I wouldn't get freaked out and did ask if I'm alright with it. I put a smile on my face to show her I wasn't gona freak out. I reminded her I was initially concerned about the past stance the C has taken towards M, but decided to take Andy's approach and told her I trust her to work out her issues with whoever's help she chooses yet within the confines of wanting to stay in M.
Well since Saturday, I have noticed a shift in her mannerism. Coincidence? Who knows, but I been just sitting back and watching to see if this is just temporary. She is much more low-keyed in her interaction. Has been a little more quiet, has backed off most of her initiations of affection. Has mentioned she feels kinda off these last couple of days and has a sense of laziness. Has gone to bed early the last couple of nights. Not sure what to make of it? Is it related to C session? ... or the start of the blues again? ... or just a temporary setback? Not much to do now but wait and see. In the meantime, there's lots to keep me busy. Yard work (regrading the front yard some & reseeding the lawn), getting my sport truck all spit & polish inside & out, not to mention some more tossing the frisbee ... even a couple of indoor projects for those rainy days.
She held onto my arm the whole time.