There is no "script" that anyone can hand you for any sort of relationship. That said, you have to listen to yourself.
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I can't change me...
I do beg to differ on this. Yes, we all have unique personalities and we can debate all kinds of personality theories until the cows come home. However, you can control and change how you perceive things and react to/act on situations.
No matter how loving and forgiving you are, another person can perceive you as a doormat. I don't think you are being that but your ex may very well see that. You are in his view his fallback position. Are you really content with that? As someone else pointed out, friends generally don't have a physical relationship. However, physical relationships generally do have a good component of friendship that supports them.
Perhaps you can examine why you continually take him back despite the many tears you've shed over this relationship. If you are repeating a pattern that is making you unhappy, you have to question yourself and your motives for that.
Also...this is really off the beaten path, but you seem to be looking for validation or worrying about who is judging you and in what way. Perhaps you can just let go of that need. (Yup, easier said than done.) It's irrelevant what other people think of this or what you need to do in this situation in the long run.
No you can't let his actions remove the loving and forgiving nature in you; however, you can change how you behave in loving and forgiving ways.
One more thought, we do attract what we most focus on and give our energy to. My basic thought here is you're focused on the confusion of this relationship and expect it, that's why you're in this position. Can you refocus yourself in this situation and see what comes up? If you want a friend, you'll act as a friend and focus on that. You can't make someone love you or want you or to behave as you wish. I'm not sure if the "tough love" or the Dobson approach as someone mentioned above is appropriate here--those basically set boundaries for the other person. I don't know if that's applicable here. Perhaps setting boundaries for yourself--such that you decide what it is you want in your life. Perhaps not so much who you want or how you want others to act or love you but the qualities you'd like to have in your life and the type of life you'd like to lead. Figuring out that "boundary" confusion helped me a lot. Focusing more on me and how I decided I wanted to live and the qualities/experiences I wanted to have really helped out.
Unconditional love can mean many things. It doesn't need to be physical. It often means just acknowledging a situation, respecting it, but not acting on it.
Kudos for you for avoiding the spewing and what I call the "emotional incontinence!" I sure as heck didn't do too well in that department LOL.
