Quoting ANS: To her mind, all of the things you described are things I should have done from the get-go. They're things that I shouldn't have had to change.
Yes, many of us have made similar mistakes, myself included. At first, we must have done most of the "right" things or they wouldn't have married us. Many of us are guilty of turning on the "auto-pilot" and when we do our behaviors will change slowly without us realizing it, then we may deny it, but everyone does this to some extent. People make mistakes, no way around that one, but the majority tragically enough never realize, admit or turn off the "auto-pilot" and if you were part of that group, I can see some foundation for your W's perception.
For those of us that have turned off the "auto-pilot", we still can't right the wrong we have done. All we can do is atone by keeping the positives going from here on out and the only tool we have to show our resolve is time. It is the best we are capable of doing and the most that can be expected of us. You're right, she can't expect you to "walk on water" or wipe the past sins away. If your W cannot accept that, then I do feel very sorry for you, for I don't see how this can be overcome until (if ever) she decides to change here POV, but I guess you had already came to conclusion in November. I guess another way of putting it is that she still has her "auto-pilot" on and no matter how much turbulance you create (at least in a positive way that would draw you closer) it won't cause her to turn it off. Although, I thought there were signs last fall that she was beginning to reconsider.
I guess so long as you see hope that it will happen, you will hang in there, but at some point it may become clear that she will not change her expectations. I hope then you will consider what is best for Andy's future.
The sad irony here is she is doing the very thing she is accusing you of ... protecting her self-interests at the cost of forsaking all else...
