Ok. So, after a hard few days I am starting to get some clarity..
My wife is 100% moving forward with seperation, as she is 'in love' with the OM, and doesn't see it as a mistake. She has a picture in her mind of how wonderful her life is going to look after we are apart, and is currently trying to run away.
I think part of her is scared that she has a great time with me, that we are great parents together, that we have great sex together, etc.. It just comes down to the fact that she is in lalaland right now.
The other guy is really a big problem, he is doing all the right things. Telling her he will wait until she is fully seperated before seeing her again, yet calling her everyday, and texting her so much that our cell bill is almost 500.00$. So he is the sensitive caring guy. My wife just said she was going to a friends this Sunday, but she is not seeing him, he 'likes me too much' to see her right now. F***, i almost vomited. I couldn't hide my distaste and sarcastically replied, 'wow, thats so nice of him, i like him too'
Anyways, although we get along well, she is in lalaland and is clear that she wants to seperate. She comes downstairs in the morning and wants to tell me about all the houses she was looking at to buy the last night, like i am giong to be excited with her.
So right now we live in the same house, and she wants to buy a new house and move. We are friendly towards eachother, but recently she just wants to talk about seperation details. Unfortunately if we go through mediation, we are looking at 4-5 months easy, before that is settled. If we go through lawyer divorce, easily 11-12 months. Or i just let go completely and give her the money and its 1-2 months.
Something needs to change. I need to set some clear boundaries or change my attitude, because right now I am not being true to myself, and my DB is just a fake act. My heart can't take a whole lot more of this.
So, for me to regain my life and sanity I figure i only have 3 options in this.
1. Become an enlightened saint, and simply accept the fact that she is leaving, and help her as best I can with the transition. Discuss the transition freely with her, without it feeling like it is ripping my heart out. I would also need to back away from her, and spend more time apart from her, and have time with the girls alone just like she would need time alone with the girls. I guess this is "fully letting go". I would stay in the house, and help her buy a new one. a. as a modification to this, i am thinking i could also request not discussing seperation details in the house, and that we can do it all through our family therapist, and mediators to figure out assets, parenting plans, etc. Basically i don't want all that bad energy around the girls. b. If i can do this, then at least i won't feel manipulated anymore, since i would be okay with the whole situation.
2. Explain to her i'm emotionally still attached to us, and the discussions about her moving are painful to me, and the thoughts of seeing my children in pain when we split is painful to me. I will simply stop talking about it with her, and let the lawyers figure it out. This one is called "holding on and getting angry" a. this one is bad for the girls, and bad for me.
3. Move out myself. Since she won't rent a place, I can. Buying a house requires all sorts of finality in our situation and could take 5-10 months to get there. All the while i am sitting back and watching her walk out on me. I am thinking maybe its best to just find a place and rent it. At least then i am taking back some of my power, and gives me the strength to put together a new life for my kids. this one is called "stepping into the pain".
a. my problem with this one, is simply how to talk to the girls about me moving out. I don't want them to feel i abandoned them. I would need to figure this out better.
b. the pros to this are a few. She has to then deal with the house and is stuck with all the furniture she picked that she no longer wants. She would have to deal with realtors to sell the house, etc. My life would get a whole lot more full with buying furniture, getting it ready for the girls, etc. Which would be a positive in my life as i could keep my mind off of it. Also, although i'm the one leaving and this could be bad for the girls, my wife would have to do all the explaining about 'why daddy moved out'. Otherwise i am stuck with defending her when she moves out.
Right now her plan is selfish - she moves out and leaves me stuck with the house to sell.
Any thoughts on these options? I'm leaning towards 3, or possibly 1 with less Sainthood involved, and more boundaries about discussing seperation. I know this post is long, but any feedback you have would be good.
Either way, i am detaching big time for the next 2-3 weeks. I may decide to just wait and not make any decisions during that time. I'll post any updates to my situation.
