No that makes sense. It is something I have heard before. I guess it is just one of those things, you use what has worked in the past. ANd sad but true it has worked in the past. And maybe part of me is scared to stop it, b/c my fear is that if I stop the physical relationship, then, there is that chance, that he won't talk to me anymore.... and I will have to admit that this person who I love with all my heart, and who I have given my heart to so many times, really has just been using me.
Right now that is really scary for me. I want to maintain a realtionship with him.... and I am okay with just a friendship. I am not sure if that is truly possible. And while I want to approach him and discuss it I am scared of what his reaction will be. I have been hurt by him so much in the past two years, I don't know if I can really handle him saying he wants nothing to do with me.
Maybe this is me just trying to hold on to my desire to want to be cared about by him.. and maybe me trying to hold on to my last shred of respect.... b/c god only knows that I would feel like a TOTAL failure if I did allow myself to be used by someone who I truly thought loved me and cared about me.
I don't know...... I want to know the truth... but I am very scared to hear it... and without a great support system here... it is one of those things, I try to deal with things in stages and if that means I do some things that aren't really the "best" for me to keep myself just on this side of sane.... until I have gotten over one hurdle before I tackle the next... then... I don't know.
I just keep hoping for that fairytale ending... and when I get to the point where I might see it happening..... it seems like my castle walls start crumbling.... and my fairytale ending gets further and further away....
I guess right now it is just scary to see that fall I might take if the truth is what I "don't want".... and it is like when you are a kid and you are trying to decide if you want to jump into the pool... it is a lot easier to make that jump if you know some one is there to save you from drowing.... my problem is I don't have that person in the pool... so I have to be prepared to save myself.....
Sorry for the rambling! I hope someone can make sense out of what i said! : ) r2
