So today has been interesting. My 7yo got 5 stitches on his chin. He fell backwards off his chair in a restaurant and somehow split open his chin. I think I handled it rather well, but I'll cry later. It was very unnerving and I've been trying to be strong.
I called DH and left him a message saying I had everything under control, but... He called back and came up. 7yoDS NEVER shed a tear... only when I told him we couldn't go to the park after. He didn't cry when it happened or when they numbed him to give him the stitches... only about the park. Me? I've been close to tears since... LOL!!
I'm always amazed at how stoic the boys try to be about so many things. I also know what you mean about being the one on the verge of tears. I keep stressing out about S2 & S1 and what they might not be processing -- like I need to make more things to worry about! I'm trying to learn to not impose my own feelings on the kids - to just take at face value what they are doing and not attempt to over analyze. I'm horrible at that -- not over analyzing -- but I'm trying.
I hope your DS's stitches heal quickly. Often stitches do really quickly, and then your son will have a "cool scar" to show everyone.
Hey JustD -- Wanted to let you know that I hope your night goes ok. I know how tough it can be to have a little one hurting. S2 was born with heart defects and had two major surgeries before he was 6mos -- the second one open heart. Scary, although he has no real problems now ... but it taught me how fast kids can recover from major situations.
Still, I hope you have a good night and that DH is helpful.
You're gonna think I'm full of it, but 7yo DS was born 6+ weeks early with heart problems. Thank goodness he didn't have to have surgery, but it was a very stressful time. They (C) thinks that's when my depression started... that it started out as PPD.
DS is doing really well. We've been through this 3 other times, only those times, they glued his face together. They say scars add character... this boy is gonna have soooo much character!! 13yo's b-day is tomorrow. He wants to go hang with friends at the mall tomorrow afternoon/evening, so we're gonna do lunch with DH.
DH was helpful in that he was there, but I really could have used some support, too, ya know? Maybe not "support" but a hug or a hand squeeze, just something, ya know? I was disappointed that he wasn't more caring towards me. I guess that's selfish.
I will not bring up date night again. He blew me off this past weekend and has already made plans with 16yoDS for Friday night, BUT I'm going out with a girlfriend tomorrow night. Yeah me!! Anyway, I'm done making the plans. I'll try not to be disappointed.
When I start to stress, I tell myself to give it to God and that this must be his will right now.
Since 7yo cried cuz I said he couldn't go to the park, I took him. I actually talked both the other boys into going, too. 16yo with his GF and 13yo with a neighbor friend. We played hide and seek in the 90 degree weather for about an hour.
Next week, the theater has $1 movies for the kids, so we'll start doing that (until I find a job... lol). It's nice to be busy with the kids and get out this much.
I hope you had a decent night and have a good day tomorrow!!! Sleep well.
JustD -- I have to say I never understood completely when people would talk about finding friends online; I thought it would be a lot like pen pals, which never really worked for me. But I've been really enjoying sharing with you, and it is eery how many things seem to coordinate between us.
I think there are few things more scary than having a child with heart problems. Even though his first 6mos were insane, S2 today is great. We had been going back to the hospital in Iowa City once every couple years to have him followed, but about a year and a half ago, they did an echocardiogram on him and decided they needed to see him in a year. That was followed up with an appointment at 6mos -- which came 8 days after H dropped the bomb! I was so afraid that the docs were going to say S2 would need a valve replacement - the only potential future issue he still faces -- and talk about being a wreck! I was still reeling from H's leaving, and I was with S2 on my own. Good news was that the issues they were watching turned out to have reversed, so no valve replacement in the near future! Now we go back in July for another follow-up; I don't think H will come then either - b/c of schedules I've usually been the one to take S2, and now, H says he doesn't want to be seen as the "bad husband who has abandoned his family..." (Uhh, and so what is he??? )
This whole thing didn't put me into my general depression -- I think that had been around for a number of years due to my sister's death (I have a great series of crises to share some day. )-- but I know it didn't help, and it definitely lead to difficulties betw. H&me and challenges for S1 who was 4 at the time.
It's looking back at all of these things that makes me remorseful, and I will always wonder how I closed myself off during these times in ways that only made H's emotional connection issues stronger. BUT, there's no gain in obsessing over the past, right.
Today is a beautiful day, and tomorrow - which was my sister's birthday - I will be having about 20 teenagers over at my house for a bon-fire. I hope the rain stays away, or else they are all going to be inside. I think that as much fun as the bon-fire should be, I will be ready to do a half-day zen buddhist retreat on Saturday. I'm not disciplined enough to be a good buddhist, and I have this nagging need to believe in God, but I love the time to meditate and I'm trying to keep from living in my head so much. I'll let you know if it works.
Glad that things yesterday went well and that you and the kids are doing so well. I know that as much as I worry about how the possible future might impact my boys - aka maybe D - I'm really glad that they are in my life as they keep me from losing my life into whatever might be out there.
I'll check back tonight and see if you have left any more messages.
Your title was what brought me to your thread. It described me to a T. We have been over this conversation so much. He is still so very angry about how he was treated during my depression. He says it's a relief to be away from me, that I was oppressive and kept him under a leash. He said he hated who I had become and just stopped caring.
My mom died when I was 18. DH and I had been dating for about 6 months. Before my mom died (it wasn't a long illness or anything, but maybe she knew she was going to die?)... she told me "B is a good guy... hang on to him." Heaven knows I'm hanging on... LOL!! My dad was never in my life much. I'll swear forever he liked B more than me. Anyway, he died last year. My sister is in WA and we're in SC. Her DH was gonna go, but my DH didn't want to go. I had to fight for him to go. He was very resentful. As much as my dad and I were estranged, he was still my dad, but DH said he didn't see why I would be upset at his death. Anyway, the night of the service, DH got stinking drunk. I left him, my sister and her DH at a bar and went back to the hotel. They came home hours later and I remember him standing (barely) outside of the door saying "I hate her... I hate her... I hate her..." over and over. If our flight hadn't been canceled the next morning, I was going to file for D. We spent the entire day together at the airport and things settled down.
Because of all that... my mom dying young and my dad never being around... C has said I have abandonment issues. Ya think? Especially once DH left after his A? Hello? I WAS abandoned... who wouldn't have issues???? And then he abandoned me again. Duh. Yeah, I'll admit I have issues.
I told you we're supposed to go to Atlanta this weekend. He wants to make it a one day trip. 3 hours there... 3 hours back. The graduation party is at 2. I tried to talk him into going down Saturday night, but he's adamant that we not.
We have C first thing Monday morning.
Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing... why I'm doing this... why I'm fighting for this. I feel weak for continuing to hang on to hope, but it has seemed like the right thing to do. *shrug*
In reading your post today... DH has said how could I not know he was growing despondent. I said how could you not know I was depressed. It's like a pissing contest to see who is more hurt. I've said let's have a truce cuz I'll always feel I got the worse end of the deal, since he deliberately had an A and I didn't deliberately get depressed. He said if this didn't happen (the A and him leaving), I would still be that depressed person. I told him that was untrue cuz I had just got my first job in like 11 years and I had just bought a new "girl" wardrobe... as a matter of fact, I was out shopping while he was consummating his affair (the day before our 18th wedding anniversary). I said he didn't even give me a chance. He says he has noticed that I'm changing, but is mad that it took so long. He said he had to leave so I could continue and he couldn't continue to hold me up. I told him he's missing out on someone special.
I'm sure I'm over-sharing, but this gives you a better idea of the torment I'm living through.
I'm going out with a GF tonight, while DS is at the mall. I invited DH over for cake at 9:30 after I get DS (and after the "music on main" is over).
At least you'll be occupied tomorrow... LOL and probably tonight with the preparation?!!
Okay, so I didn't have a great time tonight. I mean really didn't. I felt so single... so unwanted... LOL!!
We went to "Music on Main". I would say it seemed like there were only couples, but that's not true. There were a lot, but then there were a lot of men, too. None of them compare to DH, ya know?
13yoDS went to a movie and we thought it got out at 9:40, so I called DH to tell him if he wanted to stay for cake, it would be late. Well, we miscalculated. The movie didn't get out until 10:40!! I told him he could cut the cake and he and the other boys could eat it if they wanted. 13yoDS wasn't upset about that. When we got home, DH was here. He hadn't left. We lit the candles, sang happy birthday and had cake. DH said he hated to eat and run, but... I apologized several times about the mix up and he told me to quit apologizing. Then he took me by the waist, pulled me to him and kissed me (no tongues or anything... lol... but a nice soft kiss). *swoon* Why does he do that? The funny thing, I was pissed off when I got home. I forget why now... I think because it's like he holds all the cards. Like I'm waiting on him to find out how I'm gonna spend the rest of my life. How unfair is that???!!! I keep thinking that me filing for D is the only answer and then I tell myself how stupid I am because there's no way I would even sign papers if he filed... lol...
So I have plans next week to do the free line dancing lessons on Wednesday night, Music on Main on Thursday night and a girl's party on Friday night (not a toy party ). I guess that's GAL. Maybe once I start to meet other people it will be more fun. I felt like a 3rd wheel tonight cuz my friend knew tons of people and I didn't.
I will admit that I knew he would be here, so I took all Michelle's books with me. I deleted all these links from my history. I did leave my journal. I wonder what I wrote last and if he read it?
Ooooh!! And listen to this. My GF? Her daughter lives in the same complex as DH (that's how he found the studio). She lives in a studio, too, right across the parking lot. Anyway, so GF says "he must have wanted to get away bad to live there" Yeah. Thanks for that. It really is tiny!! See, I was looking at like he's trying to do his best by me and buying no luxury for himself. I think I like my take on it better.
Okay, I got 2 books at the library today and need to finish the one I have so I can start those. I'm gonna go read and go to bed.
Hey JustD -- I'm sorry you didn't have a good time. I have yet to be in a situation where there are many couples -- it's like I'm a pariah and no one invites me to couple things. I'm only getting together with my girlfriends, even if they are all married. It's a bit frustrating; I feel like the third wheel too even when they aren't having their second wheels!
Still, I'm trying. As you know, I'm working on some of my co-workers to go dancing (I call it the Wild Librarians Dancing Club ) but they haven't taken me up on it yet. And once again, if it isn't me doing the coordinating, then it ain't happenin.
Today I talked to my C and we did this EMDR stuff. It's supposed to help reduce the emotional "sticking" of a traumatic event - let's a person get on with living without all of the memory of pain and whatever that's keeping him or her focused on the event. We started with my sister's death, and even though it has been 22 years, I found myself absolutely filled with grief - as if it happened yesterday.
This evening, then, I decided to call H to talk about this experience. He's one of the only ones who really understands this around here, and I wondered if he had noticed I was still so consumed by her death. H also knew my sister and loved her well, and I knew that her death was still really painful for him too. Well, we had a good talk -- H being very caring and understanding. It made me wish for more times like this, and maybe if I don't call too much, we can do that. I know that even though at the time we were very separate in our grief, this is one of those events that ties us together. I think that's one of the real reasons I don't want to divorce: I don't want to give up having a partner who knows and has lived through so much of my history. I can't imagine being with someone who didn't know my sister, for example, or didn't experience the challenges of S2's first six months. There are so many other things.
I know that other people can understand intellectually what I have lived, but I treasure someone who lived it with me. I guess I'm hoping that H will come to agree with me; that he doesn't want to lose that as well.
In the meantime, I've been trying to clean my house some for the group of teens who are coming. Right now it looks like around 20 or so kids! And if it rains, they're all in my house like I said before ... oh well. (Actually, these are great kids who I work with at the Library - I'm the teen services librarian and these kids are part of the Teen Advisory Board -- and I'm really looking forward to the get together.)
Oh, one more dancing thing. When I told S1 that I was trying to get some girlfriends to go dancing at the bars, he said "But Mom, I know people who go to the bars and they know me!" as if I'd be embarrassing. SO, I decided to really embarrass him and I told him that I was only going on wet T-shirt night! He gave the absolute perfect response (MOM! )and I felt quite pleased with myself.
Ok, so I need to get off to bed too. What book are you reading? I have about a dozen that I'm part way through - although most of them are self-help ones like DB & DR. One I picked up today is "When Good Med do Bad Things." I don't know yet if it is any good, but I'll let you know.
I understand. Is there a better word since I say that to you all the time? LOL!! DH says things like "We've known each other longer than anyone" and "we have so much history". I'm really sorry about your sister. (((hugs)))
Yeah, even though it was only with GF last night (her DH works out of town during the week), I still felt odd man out. She was talking to one of her friends about the dance lessons and how another place has free shag lessons. GF said "but you need a partner for that, right?" and her friend said "that or a husband". I swear it was like a punch to the chest.
My C finds it weird that I don't talk about my mom. But when I do I cry. She died in 1985 not even a month after I turned 18. Needless to say, it was not an easy time. My sister was 16 and my mom's will said if we were underage, we were to go live with her brother. I had to go to court to fight for custody. I won, but we never heard from that uncle again. Of course, I had to say some not so kind things about him and his wife and they were true, but still. My sister and have vowed to never treat each other's kids like that. DH was with me through that. I don't like to think about it, let alone talk about it.
I had a dream last night I went to see a D lawyer. I did right after his A to find out what my rights were. Felt like I had none... LOL!! I asked if I could sue OW for alienation of affection, but it's not something you can do here in SC. You can in NC, but not here. Anyway, in my dream last night, I went back to this attorney. I saw her associate last time, but I saw her this time. She asked if I was sure and I said I wasn't, but that DH was and she told me not to do it. I also had bad dreams about him not wanting the boys and instead choosing to go out with friends. Then I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.
You know what? I just realized I haven't talked to DH about R all this week. Woo hoo!! Probably why my posts have been so long lately... LOL!!
Love your Wild Librarians Dancing Club... LOL!! And the wet t-shirt contest. Sounds like something I'd say to my kids... LOL!!! With the same reactions, of course!!
I'm reading Stuart Woods' "Short Straw". I just finished James Patterson's 7th (Whatever). I have Dean Koontz's new one, The Good Guy and one by Faye and Jonathan Kellerman. Yes, MOST of the books I have are relationship self help books. Have you read Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars? I have that one, but haven't opened it. I think I'm burned out on self help.
I have no plans for today. I think DH is taking 16yo to the movies tonight. Maybe I'll take the younger ones to the science center for their planetarium show. DH probably has to work tomorrow... they're laying off people and then requiring "mandatory OT"! At least he wasn't laid off, but his friend... the one he had dinner with last week? He's on the list. Anyway, tomorrow there's a plane exhibit thing at a small local airport, so I'll take the boys to that, then Sunday is Atlanta. I'll be honest, before I would not have done this stuff on my own. But then that goes back to remorseful thoughts, right?
Good luck with your party. I hope it doesn't rain!!!!
I'm sorry about your mom and that loss too. <<hugs>> As painful as it is to talk about these things, you might consider doing so with C.
I know that I have to put my sister's death into a less painful place for me to move on (and I say this as if I am only now dealing with it, but I've worked on this on and off since she first died). She died from a suicide attempt, and part of the problem is that we - my family - didn't know that she had been depressed and considering suicide for three years before she attempted once and succeeded. (Despite popular images, depressed teens don't always wear black and cry - she become more social and developed a wicked sense of humor once she decided that suicide offered a way out of insecurity )
This whole thing matters now because first, I can't help but feel like H is doing the same thing to me that my sis did - fester in pain and then pull the rug out without giving me a chance to help; and second, I am constantly worried when my sons are at the same age - S1 has gotten through ok, but S2 is just now coming into the age she was (16 when she died). My response to both things - H's actions and my sons' growing up - is grasping at control and anxiously worrying. I need to let go, I need to find the balance and become less anxious and controlling, and I know that part of getting to that place is moving past the incredible grief I still hold inside.
Isn't amazing what we do when we are so young; when I'm most pessimistic about H&me getting back together, I think how if I could be doing those kinds of things at that age, what more can I do now!
I read your posts and I know you also have that strength inside. Your love of your kids is so obvious in what you write, and your life story shows real survival and ability to overcome. That you have stuck through this crazy limbo for as long as you have also speaks to your strength. You are awesome, grrlfren!
I hope your day is a good one, and congrats on a week w/o R talk. My week hasn't been so successful, but I don't think we've gone backwards at all either.
I'll tell you how tonight goes; I'm praying for dry weather, although I'm pretty sure the gods are intent on not listening.
I'm trying to learn to not impose my own feelings on the kids - to just take at face value what they are doing and not attempt to over analyze. I'm horrible at that -- not over analyzing -- but I'm trying.
They say scars add character... this boy is gonna have soooo much character!! 
13yo's b-day is tomorrow. He wants to go hang with friends at the mall tomorrow afternoon/evening, so we're gonna do lunch with DH. 
Anyway, I'm done making the plans. I'll try not to be disappointed.
) 
I hope the rain stays away, or else they are all going to be inside. I think that as much fun as the bon-fire should be, I will be ready to do a half-day zen buddhist retreat on Saturday. I'm not disciplined enough to be a good buddhist, and I have this nagging need to believe in God, but I love the time to meditate and I'm trying to keep from living in my head so much. I'll let you know if it works.
but a nice soft kiss). *swoon* Why does he do that? 
The funny thing, I was pissed off when I got home. I forget why now... I think because it's like he holds all the cards. Like I'm waiting on him to find out how I'm gonna spend the rest of my life. How unfair is that???!!! I keep thinking that me filing for D is the only answer and then I tell myself how stupid I am because there's no way I would even sign papers if he filed... lol... 
Yeah. Thanks for that. It really is tiny!! See, I was looking at like he's trying to do his best by me and buying no luxury for himself. I think I like my take on it better. 
)and I felt quite pleased with myself.