So my last thread locked up. Geez how many is that now. I guess about one a month or so. That makes about 8.
I am really angry and frustrated right now. Our plan was to go to the movies together tonight but our schedules just weren't cooperating. My wife said she really wanted to go and we deferred to the weekend. But we kept the plan for our kids to go home with close friends after school. Well after work I swing by to pick them up. They were upset at this because they didn't get a lot of time with their friends and second they didn't know the plans for the evening had changed. Grr why the devil could she not tell them this morning? I know, she wasn't thinking about anyone but her. So I get the pleasure of two kids who are angry about the change and not being aware of it. This all lead to me and the girls arguing about attitudes during our times together.
I am just so sick of her thinking only of herself. I am not sure I will be able to keep a positive attitude around my wife tonight when I drop the kids off. I just so badly want to tell her what I really think. This sh1t is hurting everyone and I am sick of it all. I am sick of being away from my family, sick of the pain I see in my kids eyes, sick of her indifferent attitude and especially sick of her walking away from a loving, supportive, dedicated husband.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Talk to her in a civil manner. I mean you want to show her you're the man of the house? Have a nice conversation about keeping the children aware of any changes to schedule. Don't blame, don't make a big deal, just make a decision together on how to avoid that situation in the future. Make sure she feels like she's part of the negotiation and decision, but you make the decision and make sure it works for her.
Try that, see how it goes. Nice, calm tone of voice is key
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Yeah I know I have to keep it civil at a minimum. I just had to vent.
I did talk with the girls a little while ago about what happened between us earlier. I apologized because I really shouldn't have spoken to them like I did. This lead to a conversation about the situation. I told them I do not know what is going to happen. I do not know if or when I can move home. But the one thing that they can count on is that both my wife and I love them more than we can ever express. I also told them that yes mommy and daddy are going to try to go do some things together and it doesn't mean mommy and daddy are happy together again. But we are trying to do some things together right now.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
CF- It's been a while since I posted on these boards, but I've been lurking and catching up on most people. I am going to make some observations (some of these might be hard) and draw some parallels with my sitch. First of all, I need to tell you that your posts contained some of the material that I took to heart - things like making a list of positives etc. in my most dire moments. And they paid rich dividends for me - from expecting divorce papers just 2.5 months ago, my wife is planning to move to be with me, so we can all be a family together again. And for those of you that don't know my sitch, I commute about 600 miles flying back and forth every weekend. But this required serious loving detachment which is the only way you can avoid putting pressure on your WAW. I was talking to a friend this afternoon sharing the remarkable turnaround and he shook his head (he went through something similar about 10 years ago) and said - isn't it crazy the way they do things when you quit urging them to do so?
The reason I am even writing about my sitch on your board is that I drew a lot of inspiration from your messages, but for it to work for you - you NEED to PRACTICE what you PREACH. You can't let sudden urges to kiss and hug get in the way. This is going to take an enormous amount of self-control and you know what it takes (you helped me with mine) - you are just not practicing it. So CF, I guess I did the part that AmyC was supposed to do - but honestly, you do have a lot of positives going on. I went for about 3 months without almost seeing my wife (met her thrice each time for about 40 mins during those 3 months). Make a commitment to yourself (you don't need to share it with your wife about you being the patriarch etc.) that you are going to practice self-control and loving detachment (you know exactly what all that means in your sitch - go back to your own posts) for a period of 6 weeks without any backsliding. I think you can do it and you can do it well. I think your actions will speak for themselves and you will see tremendous progress.
You need to GAL too and part of that may involve not being around these boards so much - look what S4N did. Go out, make friends, vent to them, go running/biking whatever helps you take your mind off the sitch. It is evident from your posts that getting this fixed is your single biggest focus - you need to come to terms with the fact you can only change you and the more you do it without trying to draw attention to it, the more it will be noticed (defies logic, but is true).
You helped me considerably CF, and I hope you take this post in the right spirit and act on it. Good luck.
Dadinpain, I'm interested in your story, it sounds as though it may have similarities to mine (I've seen my wife once in the last 2 months) - can you point me to your thread(s)? Thanks!
Sorry for the hijack CF, but I know you're cool with it
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Dad, you are very, very, very right on many points here. I do not always practice what I preach. Mainly with me is I have need some assurances/reassurances and didn't feel like I was getting them. Plus I was just not getting the emotional support back I thought she should be giving me. Finally I have had to finally admit to myself that I still have a lot of imbedded anger about the whole thing.
Last night she and I had a long conversation. I brought it up when she presented me with documents to finalize the split of all our liquid assets. It just brought up a lot of anger in me about the whole thing. It was all I could do from just cussing her out at the top of my lungs. Along with that I asked her if I should expect the formal separation agreement from her lawyer. She told me yes. Honestly I want no part of any of this and it's hard to take when she's telling me she wants to reconnect, wants me to be that patriarch, etc. I have to accept she's trying to be pragmatic about it all and protect us all and not just herself or pushing for a divorce.
As for getting a life, well I was doing great at that but lately have faltered. Without going into details I have retreated a bit based on some bad experiences. But I'll get back at it soon enough.
Back to our conversation last night, I think we really both needed to have it and we've avoided such conversations. What came out of it was a number of things: (in no particular order just as I recall them all)
1) She does want to have hope. But is still struggling. 2) Right now she can't hope for anything more than that we reconnect as friends. 3) She wants to do more things together and looks forward to doing things together. 4) She does want to think we can be together in marriage but absolutely wants to be certain it isn't what we had before. 5) She feels I wasn't a loving supportive husband before all of this. I differ on that and as she put it was "its a matter of perspective". This is something we really need to talk and work through. 6) She feels I still depend on her somewhat for my happiness. 7) She cares about me and "am trying but I don't know what you want". 8) She hasn't a clue to what my wants and expectations of her are. 9) She is unsure if we need someone to assist us through the "be friends again" process but isn't closed to the idea. 10) She wants me to be doing the patriarch thing because I want to and not because I have expectations for results. She can't see that I do have some expectations even on things I want to do. 11) I need to get back to a counselor to help me deal with the underlying anger and frustration. 12) We both need to outline wants and expectations and give to each other. This so we can better manage ourselves and the process. 13) She still thinks I want our old marriage/relationship back. 14) She doesn't know how to speak my language so I see her efforts.
I think that's it. The bottom line is she wants to try, she has a glimmer of hope for us, but she has serious reservations mainly about me, my changes and my true intentions. I'm failing to see her efforts because I don't feel she's speaking "my language". But she thinks I am trying to speak hers.
We've had quite a bit of email exchanges today on the subject and I think it's actually been good. With it we are communicating a lot better right now about wants, needs and expectations.
So ultimately the toughest thing for me is she's asking me to try to do more with working on us, to be more responsible for the family and give her "space". So I really struggle with the request to work and try more while detaching and leaving stuff to her. She doesn't want that stress, she wants me to take in on for her.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Yeah, you sand-bagged that one pretty good. It literally looks like you busted your divorce overnight. But congrats nonetheless! Keep up the good work!!!!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Well something good out of all of this is we have been trading emails all day and she's been very responsive and replying very, very quickly.
All in all a lot of very nice positive interaction again. We're all set with rescheduling our outing too. We'll be going to see a movie Monday night and will catch a quick dinner beforehand.
So I think our talk last night actually was more helpful than I thought. There were a lot of positives out of it beginning with her opening admitting to hope and thinking we could be back together at some point. That's a huge change from January when she was trying to buy me out of all our assets and openly talked about life apart forever.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
