You don't have to feel guilty for not wanting to return his gestures BECAUSE they don't feel "right" to you. I wonder if you feel like they are "rewards" for backing down and letting him get his way. A true loving gesture would be to acknowledge you.
That's exactly how I feel. I didn't WANT to accept his gestures, so I didn't. I explained a little about what I think H is attempting to do with these gestures in a post to GEL. I agree that a loving gesture is to acknowledge my feelings. He certainly expects me to acknowledge his!! I guess that's part of the resentment and part of what makes me feel so controlled at times....he expects so much of me, yet gives so little on the very things he expects from me. I don't get it.
it would help YOU and HIM to communicate exactly how you feel. Just try to do it in a way that focuses on the immediate issues and doesn't back him into a corner.
You're probably right. I'll think more about what I might want to say.
Keep it focused on how YOU FEEL and not on his actions or his true feelings.
Got it!
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Does that mean you've learned all you can learn here and shared as much as you care to share or does that mean that Corri was mean to you so you're not coming back anymore?
I wonder if there is anything more a counselor could tell you
I've wondered the same thing. The problem with counselors is that they always understand exactly what I'm saying and they agree with me and support me and want what's best for ME. That doesn't always equate with helping my M, ya know? Even the MC, after H quit going, basically told me she thought he was outrageous and she didn't think he'd ever change. I think I'd have to go to someone like Michele, someone with very strong convictions, who really believed in what they were doing. Oh yeah, and they'd have to know what it is they were doing, which seems to be something they haven't all figured out yet.
BTW, have you read up any on narcissism? If not, you should seriously look into it.
No, but I have read some abstracts and some reviews.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I have tried really hard to stay out of your sitch, because your H reminds me so much of my xH, and we all know where I am.
However. There is one overridding thing you need to consider.... and this at the base of everything you do.
You have given a YEAR of your life to see how things will go. I understand how frustrating his treatment is of you... and he is REALLY yanking your chain. No doubt about it.
I know you are lonely... and you want a marriage. I have just as much 'spunk' as you do, and then some, at times. I want answers... NOW. Not tomorrow, not 10 minutes from now... NOW. I, too, can fly off the handle and hit battle mode in 10 seconds flat.
But. YOU gave YOUR word to a year. Hunker down. That does not mean you have to take abusive treatment. You walk away. Only you can decide when enough is enough.
I personally think you should be back in the bedroom... but you are not. Now. I'd encourage that 'spunk' of yours to come out in other 'impish' ways. Do the unexpected. Decorate his room. Go shopping with him. Buy yourself a NEW couch to sleep on.
And I'm suggesting this only because I hate to see this bastard beat you. I'm sure he is a lovely bastard on some days. And he is the father of your children, forgive me, please.
Sweety. All is FAIR in love and war. And the best defense is a great offense. The only way to win this one is to NOT play the game. Hunker down and get through your year. If that means you turn into a dam robot.... fine. Robot it is.
The one thing I don't want to see you do is lose your spunk. Playing the game will wear you down and suck you dry. There is no 'rebuilding' now, because he is holding that over your head. He's holding all the cards.
But at the end of this year... you will be able to look yourself in the eye. Vent here. See a shrink... build yourself up... and make the best of it. Hold to your promise.
THEN... decide.
And if that... so and so of an H of yours is stupid enough to not do anything to fix things within the next coming year... leave his ass cold.
But stop pushing. Stop trying. Live. As best you can with what you have been dealt. Do it for you. No one else.
If you want to ML with him. Do it. If you don't, don't. You don't have to explain yourself. You've already told him what you want. If he can't get out of his own stupid ass way... fine. Go about your business.
You are a keeper, kiddo. Let him do whatever it is he needs to do, for a year. Back off. Be the dutiful wife. Stop engaging (as hard as that may be). Be true to yourself and hold to your promise. If this guy doesn't wake up in a year.... he deseerves to be left on his ass.
This probably is not advice anyone is going to agree with. I'm more concerned about you in a year than I am about you now.
I think I'd have to go to someone like Michele, someone with very strong convictions, who really believed in what they were doing. Oh yeah, and they'd have to know what it is they were doing, which seems to be something they haven't all figured out yet.
StillHopeful had an actual DB consultation with Michele herself, and Michele told her she may well have to divorce him. You're unlikely to find a more "marriage is the only option" crowd than what you've got right here.
Except maybe on Infidelity. But you've BTDT.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I'm sorry to say, it seems to me like neither of you are going to budge on what each thinks they're entitled to do or to expect from their partner, and those beliefs will be forever incompatible unless they are changed on one side or the other.
Please read my post about two pages ago where I said that I would not reach out anymore. I'm not trying to be stubborn or rigid, but I've already reached out. He has made a lot of progress too, but he has not emotionally committed anywhere near the level that I have.
If our differences turn out to be irreconcilable, so be it.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I'm sorry to say, it seems to me like neither of you are going to budge on what each thinks they're entitled to do or to expect from their partner, and those beliefs will be forever incompatible unless they are changed on one side or the other.
Please read my post about two pages ago where I said that I would not reach out anymore. I'm not trying to be stubborn or rigid, but I've already reached out. He has made a lot of progress too, but he has not emotionally committed anywhere near the level that I have.
If our differences turn out to be irreconcilable, so be it.
Well, we agree then. Your choice is to bail out now or hang around a year and see if the horse learns to sing.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Corri, I was hoping I'd hear from you. Your words are just what I needed. I did give my word and staying put is exactly what I'll do. I never really considered leaving, the words flew out of my mouth because I was so hurt and angry. I have had thoughts that staying is pointless, but I will stay nonetheless and hopefully my optimism will return. It always seems to. Sometimes that pisses me off.
I'd encourage that 'spunk' of yours to come out in other 'impish' ways. Do the unexpected.
Great idea. I'll remember this!
But stop pushing. Stop trying. Live. As best you can with what you have been dealt. Do it for you. No one else.
I love these words, they are seriously soothing to my heart.
Burbud, thanks for taking time out of your new life to come visit my thread, it's good to hear from you!
You're unlikely to find a more "marriage is the only option" crowd than what you've got right here.
Except maybe on Infidelity. But you've BTDT.
Actually, it's kind of embarrassing that I am still here, still dealing with many of the same issues. Progress is being made, I swear!! But sllloooooowwwwwlllyyyyyyy.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Please understand. I would never encourage a woman to stay in an abusive marriage. I don't want to see you become placid. But I really feel that you did NOT give your H your promise on one year, more than you did for you. I respect that. I can understand that.
For whatever reason, for me... June was always my marker. Just one more year, just one more year. If things aren't better by June, I'm outta here. And June would role around... and I'd think to myself... well... I can live with this. It isn't so bad.
I did this for a very long time... because my shrink encouraged me to hang in there as long as I could for my kids. Stay as long as you are able, he said to me. Come to me, vent... I will help you get through.
I didn't want to 'get through' my life. I didn't want my kids to see a woman who 'gets through.' I'm really, really GOOD at getting through. Amazing at it, really.
And I'm going to tell you. Get through. Just don't 'get through' too long.
Does that mean you've learned all you can learn here and shared as much as you care to share or does that mean that Corri was mean to you so you're not coming back anymore?
Both.... anyway, my point was that you going to a counselor should not create much discomfort for you, since we've given you so much cr*p here already. But you H doesn't know that. So let him see your growth in the sessions, let him throw his blame onto you. I doubt you will even feel a sting from it. But at least he will be there with you, which is the first step.
IMO, most spouses go to counseling with the intent of showing the other how wrong the other is and how right s/he is. If your H thinks he can "prove" this to you, then he might go. But you will know it is all projection on his part and you can detach from his attacks. Your H left counseling when he thought the tables were being turned on him. So maybe you just needed a smarter, shrewder counselor.
