Need Veteran Piecer's Advice - desperately!!!

[Heartbroken]

Had a REALLY rough day at work - emailed H about the June Kid schedule and this trial separation - said we need to talk tonight he agreed.

Talking with him calms me yet he is the one who causes all my stress why is this? We talked about being truly separated and I told him I need to stop trying to fix him and work on me and take care of the kids. I need to let it go and I will every day - baby steps.

I am done talking to OW - she did call him b/c I guilted her - he says they just talked and he has not seen her = I said I do not believe him.

I asked him not to have OW around the kids, respect our money in the bank and to try and be honest to himself and his IC.

Then I became the control freak again and asked him not to see OW until we have filed - which I think is where we are truly heading by August - I just don't see changes coming anytime soon. Why does my brain realize this but not my heart?

He goes to C on Wed. - he said anything regarding the kids he will let me know...

I am off the Hilton Head the end of June with just the kids - meeting my brother and his family - this will be GREAT break for the three of us. I am now focusing on them and mean - we will get through this.

Thanks Theo and everyone = not sure how much I will be out here. This place is addicting and it makes me want to keep trying but then I just get hurt and don't really listen to him when he says he is done. I keep pushing for us to stay together and why to keep prolonging my pain. I need a new direction...

Nite...

[imLIN]

It is amazing what a vacation can do...prior to our separation I had never really vacationed with just the kids and I...so after he left the one gift I gave myself was a cruise with the kids to Mexico...it was wonderful...we had such a grand time...I really thought I would be so sad for most of the time but I wasn't...I really began to let go then...

It was not too long after my return that H then told me of his decision to move closer to me and the kids again...eventually this set in motion our reconciliation...

I am not telling this to get your hopes up...or to even suggest this is what you may experience...what I am saying is that this is a time for YOU to truly soak up and enjoy your children...and to have a wonderful time...this in embarking on a new adventure...one that will make new memories for you and the kids...ones that only you three will share...be selfish with them...it will really help you to feel better...I know it did such good things for me...

take care....Lin

[ourcrisis]

HB, TAKE CARE!!! I am seeing it lots here that most of the time h really needs to hit bottom before/if it gets better. I hope mine did hit bottom. I thought yours did. Apparently not. If/when you visit this board, concentrate on the part on PMA, I can see why you don't want to DB now, hey who would want to at this moment? Take care of yourself and have some fun, by yourself or with other friends. I made new friends a few months ago. I pursued new hobbies and pushed my limit. I am not doing so much more and I can already feel like I am pushing h again and not having enough ALONE time.
It is tough since there will be kids issues. Seems like your h is civil and willing to handle childcare. I also requested no OW around the kids. I would suggest start separating money now, partly to protect yourself and the kids in case h goes crazy on OW. Also, you don't want to see him taking big chuck of money out and get all upset about the big birthday gift to OW. Spare yourself the pain. Good thing is that I see your h is cooperative so you don't have to rush.
Take care, take care. hugs.

[Heartbroken]

Well we talked again last night - I woke at 12 AM and could not fall back to sleep - I called him and I know I should not have...He really needs his space but he makes me feel better even though we talked about ending it...

I just need to accept that whatever is going to be is going to be and I cannot control it. H HAS to fix himself before he can even think of us. I am afraid he is so far into his pain that it's just easier (for now) for him to walk away from me...

I give myself all these false hopes, he tries to sugar coat the truth to spare me pain but it really doesn't does it??? My best friend who has remained impartial (she's was friends w/H too) says I can do better and I need to move on. I know she's tired of seeing me hurt and going back for more - but how will I know I am done trying. I am afraid I would never quit trying - it's not my nature...

I need to stop obsessing about H and US and shift my focus to the kids and ME - I need to start walking my talk and just do it - if it were only that easy...

So much for not posting today...I will try and not come out here until tonight...

I appreciate ALL THE SUPPORT - it helps tremendously!

[Delil@h]

I know she's tired of seeing me hurt and going back for more - but how will I know I am done trying. I am afraid I would never quit trying - it's not my nature...

I dunno how to word this as I have always said I am not very good at giving advice I am just really supportive....
NO need to give up or say yeah this is over for sure etc. etc. etc. Yes it is a pain that is indescribable. But what I think is to be the focus is to save you, to love you and be the best you you can be,, as hard as it is take the focus off him,,, give him space and work on you and rebuilding you. I used to feel just like you. And I dunno if I already posted this to you or not. But my focus was also so much on saving my M and helping my H and someone here told me ...I WILL NEVER FORGET IT!

FOCUS ON YOU, FOCUS ON SAVING YOURSELF AND IF YOU SAVE THE M IN THE PROCESS .....THAT IS THE ICING ON THE CAKE ....IF NOT WELL AT LEAST YOU WILl HAVE YOU AND YOU WILL BE STRONG!

Hard as that was to swallow for me it was so true. I was not worried @ me or that I had withered away to nothing and was smoking a pack a day.... and drinking coffee instead of eating. Even my H at the time told me please start eating and stop smoking. I used to be only a social smoker. I was sooooooooooo pissed.. how dare you tell me to take care of myself when all I want is you.. etc. etc. etc. I thought!!!!

You can do this sweetie you can rise above this and come out stronger regardless of the outcome and it does not mean you are a FAILURE... it means you are HUMAN!!!!!! WE cannot control others we can only control ourselves. And you my dear are a beautiful WOMAN who has the will to never give up just like I did,,, but what are you doing to save you?
I too was just like you and still to this day fight the urge to be SUPER nice. There has to be time for you too,,, you have to love you too,, that Woman staring back at you in the mirror needs a lot of love right now and you are the only one who can give it to her. I too felt just like you and then decided to start loving me ,, didn't make the PAIN go away it just helped ease it some. It still work on this daily,,, to just love me with all my flaws. It is not easy but it can be done! And needs to be done for you!
I hope I helped some.... just remember to love you.
GOD bless...

[Aud31]

HB,

I know it's all so hard and scary and frustrating right now. Don't beat yourself up for needing to hear H's voice to feel better--I've been there too. I think it hurts worse to hear his voice and know he has nothing to give you when you need comfort so desperately.

This is the hardest thing you'll ever face (I hope), but honey, you have to detach, pull yourself together and start DBing. Not for your M or your H, but for YOU!

What do you have to lose? Nada. Let him go, find peace and joy every day--despite the pain--focus on what you do have and feel gratitude for it. Good feelings grow, what you focus on expands.

Time is on your side. It's so hard to realize that everything will not be the same next week/month/year as it is today, but everything changes, and if you can take care of yourself, things will get better.

((hugs))

[Heartbroken]

Thanks A & A

I sent an email stating I needed to stop calling and reaching out to him and that I wasn't closing the door just starting to focus on me. His reply is "thanks and I know that came from the heart and I too will never shut the door and I want you to know that I have absolutely no intentions of re-marrying..." WTH WTH WTH does this mean????? He is so ready for me to throw in the towel the slightest admission of defeat and he's already gone for good.

That's it - I need to focus on me and the kids and mean it- my walk has to be my talk. Stop pretending that I am done trying and stop thinking/obsessing about H and US - JUST LET IT GO - How can I end my dream and how can I let the best friend I have had for 20 yrs just call it quits. I need to figure this out before I go crazy from lack of sleep and healthy food.

I deserve to be LOVED AND WANTED 100% and I know I deserve better but 20 yrs of knowing him takes some time to get over. Baby steps and I will take it one day at a time. Thank God for my kids - they force me to be strong...

Just want to go home, crawl into bed and dream happy dreams...

Just venting - sorry. PMA and I will get through this one way or another...


Thanks for the hugs - I really could use them right now...

[Aud31]

Vent all you need--you already know what you need to do...the hard part is moving from knowing to doing.

Don't try to figure out what he means--he can't see anything clearly right now, and there's no use driving yourself crazy over wacko statements. (Again, easier said than done!)

You DO deserve better. Go get it HB! You can do this. I'd come give you hugs if I didn't live 5 states over..grrr!

[Upside]

HB-
I too wish I lived closer to you to give you a big hug. My H and I separated at the same time you did. I know something about the roller coaster you have been on...it sucks. My H claims there is no OW, but I don't have a lot of trust. About 14 years ago, I found out about my first H's OW on the day my daughter was due to be born. I wish I knew about DBing then because I did everything that you weren't supposed to. Having gone through that and now having my 2nd marriage possibly fail, I am still having difficulty detaching and just giving him his space. I am fairly new to all of this, but from what I have read, the best shot we have to get our husbands to come around is detach. IMO, you do need to do everything you can to let him go for now. It is hard for me to get it through my thick skill that the more I push, the more needy I seem to him, the more he backs away. We LBS have to be strong and show them that we aren't going to fall apart if they aren't in our lives. I know my H doesn't like needy women and I am sure that is the way he perceives me now. It is hard as he** to be strong and have a PMA when your life is in shambles, but that is exactly what we need to do to attract them to us again. It may or may not work, but hopefully we are able to give it our best shot...right?

Now if I could only take my own advise!!!

[Heartbroken]

Well H's IC appt lasted 30 mins - he was done talking. He said C said that he is thinking clearly and he knows what he wants. So we are going to divorce. Not sure what planet the C is from at this point.

Not sure when, how to file, tell the kids, find the condo, move....feeling very overwhelmed.

We are so civil w/each other that we probably will not even use lawyers or use the same one. I will consult with a few on my own but H will be more than fair to me and the kids. We are so go

I need some recommendation on books to read and how to get through this - I will probably post in the Divorce forum here to get started. I know I seem to be taking it so fast - but I truly feel he is done and has been done for a lot longer than I thought. I cannot keep banging my head on that brick wall. I figure I need to get the kids settled b4 school starts in Sept. - we will stay in the same school district. Hell I probably will be less than 3 miles from the house. I do not want the house (too much upkeep) but I do want my fair share...

I think I am in shock - cannot really cry here at work. I tried to cry last night but nothing really came of it. I think I am cried out and now I at least have a real direction...

Thanks for all the hugs - I really need them now!

HB