Duty, love, and attitude

[Crazy Eddie]

I've even (get this) done it with my father, the man who single-handedly instilled many of my fears when it came to men, who would screech at me at the top of his lungs and is now responsible for me cringing inside anytime a man raises his voice to me....I did this with him the last time he shot off at me when I didn't deserve it....AND IT WORKED!!! I nearly had to pick my mother's lower jaw up off the floor LOL. I actually received an apology from my Dad, a very respectful one at that. It was a definite "slaying the dragon" moment for me.

Cool! Good for you! I guess your dad and H do that a lot less now that they don't get a reaction out of you, right? I'm going to visit my mom in a few weeks and I may have a chance to try it with her. Bound to be better for both of us than the walking on eggshells bit I've been doing for far too long. I remember looking forward to the chance to flip her the bird and tell her to f-off on my 18th birthday... and by that time, I knew it would be silly and childish and I didn't have any idea what else to do and I was still a big ole wuss and I kept up the walking on eggshells around her to this day. (Although at least I had the sense to marry my wife even though my mom detested her for some reason. Oddly enough, for several years now, she's been much closer to my mom than I am.)

Hey, maybe I'll go out on a limb and mention the detective I'm thinking of hiring when I save up some money. That should get me just the chance I'm looking for (Or maybe she'll have a pleasant surprise or two up her sleeve)

I've long been suspicious of the idea of "having it out" or "getting closure" with a parent over old issues; it strikes me as an admission (to that very parent, no less!) that you're incapable of getting over old wounds and grudges and just proves that parent was right about you all along. But I never knew what else to do with her either, other than avoid her as much as I could and "get over it" and "get on with my life". But now I do... I'm just going to be myself and tell her what's going on with me and my family today and deal with her reaction as it comes, because I can do it with my wits intact.

I think you did GREAT. Fabulous, even. Way to go. I'm very happy for you.

Wow, thanks guys! You know I was actually thinking that I'd "messed up" that day and gathering data on how not to mess up again. I now see I've been looking for ways to "swagger" properly so that she'd never go off on me like that, because I still didn't think I could get through it with my wits, my PMA, and the respect of my wife intact. Even in my first post about the incident, one can see that I was upset because I'd lost my proper "rock" attitude and "caused" her to flip out. And a bit resentful: how can she expect me to be an unflappable rock 24/7 and stay unflappable when everything goes to hell and she's watching my inner emotions for any slip-up when she's supposed to be helping me solve a problem?

The answer, of course, is that I can't stay an unflappable rock 24/7, and therefore she's going to flip out sometimes (although perhaps less often after it fails to get a reaction a few times), and it's not the end of the world! It doesn't mean she's lost respect for me and she's going to end up leaving or friendzoning me or turning into my enemy until I can get her out of my hair somehow. It just means she's upset and she needs me to get my head back in the game as quickly as I can. I don't have to be perfect all the time, and she doesn't expect perfection all the time, and she doesn't hate me just because I upset her or let her down every once in a while. I don't have to be afraid of anyone going off on me like that again, because I can keep my wits and defuse it and everything will be fine afterwards. And if someone still won't work with me afterwards, I can be happy without them.

And I'll be able to get a lot more work done if I can stop being afraid of making mistakes and catching hell there as well. And the virtuous cycle continues...

Thanks for all your responses. If it wasn't for the FDA and the medicines I need I'd stop paying that psychiatrist of mine and just hang out here.