Oh the roller coaster...

[catfan]

Dad, you are very, very, very right on many points here. I do not always practice what I preach. Mainly with me is I have need some assurances/reassurances and didn't feel like I was getting them. Plus I was just not getting the emotional support back I thought she should be giving me. Finally I have had to finally admit to myself that I still have a lot of imbedded anger about the whole thing.

Last night she and I had a long conversation. I brought it up when she presented me with documents to finalize the split of all our liquid assets. It just brought up a lot of anger in me about the whole thing. It was all I could do from just cussing her out at the top of my lungs. Along with that I asked her if I should expect the formal separation agreement from her lawyer. She told me yes. Honestly I want no part of any of this and it's hard to take when she's telling me she wants to reconnect, wants me to be that patriarch, etc. I have to accept she's trying to be pragmatic about it all and protect us all and not just herself or pushing for a divorce.

As for getting a life, well I was doing great at that but lately have faltered. Without going into details I have retreated a bit based on some bad experiences. But I'll get back at it soon enough.

Back to our conversation last night, I think we really both needed to have it and we've avoided such conversations. What came out of it was a number of things: (in no particular order just as I recall them all)

1) She does want to have hope. But is still struggling.
2) Right now she can't hope for anything more than that we reconnect as friends.
3) She wants to do more things together and looks forward to doing things together.
4) She does want to think we can be together in marriage but absolutely wants to be certain it isn't what we had before.
5) She feels I wasn't a loving supportive husband before all of this. I differ on that and as she put it was "its a matter of perspective". This is something we really need to talk and work through.
6) She feels I still depend on her somewhat for my happiness.
7) She cares about me and "am trying but I don't know what you want".
8) She hasn't a clue to what my wants and expectations of her are.
9) She is unsure if we need someone to assist us through the "be friends again" process but isn't closed to the idea.
10) She wants me to be doing the patriarch thing because I want to and not because I have expectations for results. She can't see that I do have some expectations even on things I want to do.
11) I need to get back to a counselor to help me deal with the underlying anger and frustration.
12) We both need to outline wants and expectations and give to each other. This so we can better manage ourselves and the process.
13) She still thinks I want our old marriage/relationship back.
14) She doesn't know how to speak my language so I see her efforts.

I think that's it. The bottom line is she wants to try, she has a glimmer of hope for us, but she has serious reservations mainly about me, my changes and my true intentions. I'm failing to see her efforts because I don't feel she's speaking "my language". But she thinks I am trying to speak hers.

We've had quite a bit of email exchanges today on the subject and I think it's actually been good. With it we are communicating a lot better right now about wants, needs and expectations.

So ultimately the toughest thing for me is she's asking me to try to do more with working on us, to be more responsible for the family and give her "space". So I really struggle with the request to work and try more while detaching and leaving stuff to her. She doesn't want that stress, she wants me to take in on for her.