Me: 29, W: 29, and D3. My W and I separated in early March. I quickly ran out and bought DB and DR along with Stop Your Divorce. I have read these books religiously and have followed the advice.
I started to become upset because my W was always giving me a hard time about what I was doing. My W stated that she wasn’t happy that I golfed on the weekends with my uncle. My W stated that she wanted me to go less and wake up with her and D3 in the mornings. I did do that and I also gave up weekends to go up north to her parent’s cabin. I have to admit that I was a little selfish with my time. But I wanted to do things to make myself happy due to my stressful field of work. I viewed this as taking my own happiness into my own hands. Things started to get bad because she would always blame me for everything. When arguing, she would say hurtful things that I would consider hitting below the belt. I would always apologize when I was wrong. We have had a lot of sadness this past year. My wife was pregnant two times. We wanted a baby so bad. The first one was a tubal and the last one was a misread.
My W didn’t like the fact that I work in a field dominated with females. She started to search through my car and constantly ask me all kinds of questions. My W thought that I was seeing someone at work. I assured her that I was not. At the time, I was just feeling so pressured and this drove me further away. I finally got to the point to where I had to have some space. My W made threatening comments like; I will need a court order to see D3. This pissed me off. I was determined to leave after hearing that. I told her that was uncalled for and I just need some time to think. I felt that we needed a break. I took a suitcase with some clothes to my parent’s house. My W started calling my relatives and telling them about all of the mistakes that I have made recently. It was embarrassing and I was pissed off. I asked my W to please stop calling them and that everything is going to be okay, I just need some time to think. She was sending me a lot of argumentive e-mails to my job and I asked her to please stop because I didn’t want the entire office to know our business. Our e-mails are not confidential. She then called her family and told them what was going on and that I left the house. I then received a voice mail from her father all upset. I just felt like I was being pushed further away from all of the pressure. W said that we need to go to church and get into counseling. I told her that I don’t want to do it right now.
I was gone for about two weeks. I was always seeing D3 as much as I could, usually 4 times a week. I called my W on the phone from work one day and she said that she is done. She said that I left them and I wasn’t willing to work on the R when she wanted to. She said she is done. I suggested that we go into counseling. She said she was willing to go last week, but now she doesn’t want to go. I thought that was weird.
I can honestly say that it has been 6 weeks since I have tried to have any serious R talk with her. She asked me to let her go and said that she is moving on with her life in early April. I agreed and told her I will do that. I am not breaking any DB rules. I am not snooping, contacting relatives, and no R talk. D3 has been saying that she wants to go to the circus, so my W suggested that we go together in a month. I bought 3 tickets and she said she is still going to go. W asked me if she could go on vacation with D3 and her brother, sister-in-law, and niece in June for the weekend to go to Disneyland. I quickly, said sure happily. I have given my W space and I do not pressure her at all. I have been keeping busy GAL. I have been golfing, going out with friends, went out of town for a weekend. I am trying to ‘act as if’ I am okay with everything. There have been a few times when I am picking up D3 that my wife is crying. For Mother’s Day, D3 picked out a card and butterfly wind chimes for her mom. I also bought a friendly card and signed, your friend. I didn’t want to put any pressure on her at all. My W said that D3 has been asking for me to live with them and spend the night.
Any advice from everyone would be greatly appreciated!
Your W does not sound MLC. Ask her if she agrees with D3 about living with them. Then go from there.
I do agree that my wife is not a MLC. She is just conflicted at this point. She lives by her emotions and she won't ask me to come home until she is 100% ready. My wife knows that D3 wants us together she tells her all the time. Right now, my wife is living at her parent's house and I am at my parent's house. She moves into her new place in June. I am thinking that when she moves into her new place, the maybe something can happen then.
Just picked up D3. W invited me in to wait for D3 to get dressed. Behind me there are pictures from our December cruise (cute picture) and other pictures of us together. Two of the pictures were in our house and my wife must have put them up at her parent's house. Our interaction was brief and friendly. I then left.
I did. And my wife claims she never said those things to our S. I said, "well then he sees it in you." And she said, "of course he does, I'm upset all the time."
How about being happy with your loving husband and getting rid of the upset feelings? Great idea, let's pass it along to all our wives.
So Kausion, your situation doesn't sound SO bad. Are you able to chat with your wife and get a feel for where she's at emotionally? How about yourself?
Good luck!!!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
have you read the mars venus books? has she? I think I see a lot of ignorance on her part, the same one I had before my H left. Ignorance of how her behavior is damaging, ignorance of what truly means to be married. She has a lot to learn, perhaps later on you can mention you will be seing a C and that you'd like her to come, ask gently and without expectations.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I did. And my wife claims she never said those things to our S.
It's way too early in your sitch to be having those conversations.
I know but it worked out well. I know where she's at a little bit. That's good. She feels relieved to not have to deal with me right now, but upset that I'm not home. The inner struggle will bring us back together as SHE gets in tune with the spirit and does what God is inspiring her to do.
Kausion, are you and your wife religious at all? Do you have other things in common that you might be able to lean on to get you through the hard parts?
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
No, I have not asked her what she thinks about D3 wanting me to live with them. I know that she doesn't want me to live in the house with her parents at this point. I don't want to pressure her.
So Kausion, your situation doesn't sound SO bad. Are you able to chat with your wife and get a feel for where she's at emotionally? How about yourself?
I have spoken to my wife a little bit. I am following all of the principles and I don't want to pressure her. I have a good read on where she is emotionally. I know that she wants me home, but she wants to make sure that she is 100% ready. I am giving her space, GAL, and allowing her to sort her issues out.
As for me, I am doing quite well. I am keeping busy. I do have rough moments from time to time, but my recovery is quick. I don't dwell on things. I am not going to allow anxiety to rule my life. I try to stay positive and do the things that keep me happy. I just wonder how long this will last. I have been giving her space for 2 months now. I pick up D3 and we might talk for a minute and then I leave. Our talks are friendly. I am not appearing needy. I am not doing anything to upset her. We are getting along great.
I just picked up D3 today. She give me a look of love. It seemed like she wanted to kiss me. I can see in her eyes that she is still passionate about me. I appear to be a mystery to her. I am happy, confident, and just enjoying life!
have you read the mars venus books? has she? I think I see a lot of ignorance on her part, the same one I had before my H left. Ignorance of how her behavior is damaging, ignorance of what truly means to be married. She has a lot to learn, perhaps later on you can mention you will be seing a C and that you'd like her to come, ask gently and without expectations.
I am reading the book right now! I don't believe that she has. She does love me, but her expectations our unrealistic. I spent so much energy trying to always be perfect. I am not working on being better, not perfect. I would do a lot around the house and she would find something wrong. I did dishes, vacuumed the house, laundry. She would say, you didn't move the things off of the counter when you wiped them down. I was like, I just can't win!
Quote:
Kausion, are you and your wife religious at all? Do you have other things in common that you might be able to lean on to get you through the hard parts?
Yes, we are both Christians. We have not been to church in a while together though. We do pray every night. Other than that, our D3 is what we share at this time.
