Thanks ROOT, I will start reading those books as soon as I get done with "Not Just Friends". Since this sitch started I have been reading every book that I can get my hands on so I can gain a better understanding of why this has occured. I was orginally hoping to find a magic bullet cure for this but quickly realized that one does not exist.
BTW, I am going to make an appointment with one more lawyer. She is supposed to be the best and most agressive lawyer in our area. My W can keep her discount lawyer I am going for the best. Even by me doing this I still want to save my M and family. I want my W back...
Tonight is t-ball and then my girls are going to my parents for the night. So I am planning on working out tonight. Time to get buff again.
I think you have the right attitude about wanting to save the marriage while at the same time protecting yourself and your kids. My attitude was I was going to DB and "leave the door open" to my marriage up to the very end, while at the same time taking care of myself, the kids, working on me, healing, learning, GALing... trying to be positive and open to wherever the road led.
The other thing I did... I can't say this "works." But I chose to love and support my husband in spite of the fact I didn't think he was making the best choise (divorcing me, hurting the kids, affair, etc...). I didn't blame him. I decided this was someone I loved and cared about. We had a good life for many years, we have two great kids, and if he wants a different life I wouldn't want to hold him back. I wanted him to be happy and I let him know that. I think my husband found this very confusing. Here was a wife who loved him so much she could let him go, wish him happiness and still be there if he needed a friend! That's a real gift. It took him a long time to realize this was real and that he was going to lose something quite valuable (and I truly did wish him well... I had to. He was gone and hurling us as fast as he could towards finializing the divorce... by being bitter and angry I would have hurt any chances of reconciliation, and hindered my own healing).
Anyhow, at the same time, I also had the best lawyer (I'm related to a judge) and would never have allowed him to take advantage of me or the kids.
P.s. Have a great time at the gym!!!! Don't underestimate the magnetism of a hot bod!!!! LOL!!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I was just talking with a co-worker who knows about my sitch and mentioned to him that my W is shampooing the carpets in our house. He thinks this is her subconsiously taking control of something and trying to cleanup apart of her life. She maybe out of control or messy in other areas of her life but this is something that she can control. I do know she is not doing this to get our house ready to sell, she knows that I am keeping it. Another thing that she is now doing is checking in with me to see if spending any money from our joint account is ok. Who knows if this means anything but it is a change in her behaviour.
I am in a similar sitch. My wife of 16 1/2 yrs wants a divorce so she can start her live w/ 22 yr old. She's 38! We have 3 kids and she wants to leave me for him!
I was afraid to talk to a lawyer because I understand this may start a war that may make it harder to reconcile. Character assasination and fighting over assets would make it harder to get back together. Doesn't this worry you? Are you just getting advice or are you hiring them?
My wife is trying to use a parallegal to end the marriage so I'm hoping this will take a little longer.
ME: 39 ring on wife:38 ring off WAW/MLC son:17,11 dtr:9 mar:17yr Bomb4-27-07. EA/PA 2/07 with 22yr old. DBing 5-19-07 My story on the link below. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1069470&page=0#Post1069470
I am worried about a having a messy D. I do not want a D. I would love to reconcile with my W. If D is the way my W chooses to go I want to make sure I have a fighting chance at getting primary custody of our girls. That is really all I would be fighting for. She can have whatever else she wants. I want my girls under my roof and she wants our kids under her new roof. Heck, if she agreed to let me have primary custody of our girls I would gladly give her the money to put a down payment on her new house. Maybe this would be a huge wakeup call for her, who knows.
I also do not plan to hire any lawyer until my W has filed. By me going to this lawyer my W cannot hire her and now this lawyer will know the background on my sitch before I retain her. I still will not be the one filing, she can and then deal with the guilt of breaking up our family. I won't file. I want my M, my W, and my family intact. She at this time does not.
Am I being irrational about this? Please hit me with a 2x4 if I am acting or thinking irrationally.
ROOT, I kept my word and hit the gym tonight and then ran 3 miles around my neighborhood. Feeling pretty good rightnow.
Not much going on tonight. My 5D t-ball game was actually yesterday, so she missed it do to us incorrectly marking the calendar. My W had our kids tonight at the park since she was already there because of the non game and then brought them out to my parents house. I did not have a chance to see my girls tonight which is a bummer. My W is staying out towards my parents house and then goes into work later tonight. So no opportunity for interaction with her today.
I started paying the bills again today. It will be interesting to see all that is coming and going since my W has always taken care of this task. She took paying the bills on her own. I did it when we first got married and she was always stressing out about money and asked if she could do it, which I had no problems with. Now with all that is going on I feel it is time for me to take this task on again.
I have for the most part stopped snooping, however I do check my wifes internet history to see what she is reading. Today she read a lot of web pages on legal seperation. I have told her that I would not divorce her and that she would have to file for it if she wanted one. I also told her if I did anything it would be for legal seperation. So maybe that is what she is thinking maybe not. I cannot worry about that rightnow.
I have to start making plans for my next get away with my girls. I plan on taking them camping and hoping that I can get a friend of mine and his DD to come along to.
Cafefull with the sooping. My son and I are going camping (in a motel) for a week up north from here YA i said we will be sleeping in a motel but during the day fishing, 4 wheeling both in the mountains and on the beach, sand casles camp fire (at the beach not motel) smores hot dogs I can't wait. Hope ya have fun with your girls. Remember it's all about them build some memories
husband
Last edited by husband; 05/31/0702:40 AM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
How intersting that she's looking at legal separation as opposed to divorce.... that indicates at least a wee bit of reserve about divorce....
Just keep working out. The endorphins released during exercise will help give you PMA (positive mental attitude) which you'll need regardless of where everything goes. It sounds to me like you are doing your best. Quite honestly... I'm still trying to avoid my own personal MLC... that's a whole nother story (sometimes a spouse's MLC can ignite one's own personal MLC....). Oh well... back to you...
Breaks in interaction are good. Sometimes they need breaks to cool down. Distance can be healing. I think you are doing awesome. Keep up the workouts.... I want to hear about those abs!!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Ok, I maybe going crazy now. My W is wanting to get out of limbo and onto the next phase - whatever that maybe. This is what I am thinking...
The next time she brings up that she wants to move on I offer her the money for her house, not all of it but a good portion of half our equity. I then tell her if this is what is going to make you happy and that I want her to be happy with or without me. I then end the conversation and let her noodle on that for awhile.
I'm hoping that by me doing this I am taking the advice from "Love Must be Tough" a step further. I am showing her that she is free to go and I am not holding her back. The theory is the more I pull away the more she will want to draw closer to me. The only sticky point is our girls. If I really go through with this I would have to let the girls go with my W. That is hard for me....Not being able to: wakeup at night and watch my DD's peacefully sleeping in their beds, not being able to tuck them in every night, not having them run into my arms when I get home from work every day, and not having daily interactions with my W will be hard to get used to. But this might be a neccesary step for our M/Family. I want my family and if this is what it will take to make us whole again I am willing to make that sacrafice.
So am I crazy? Does any of my ramblings make any sense?
I want my family and if this is what it will take to make us whole again I am willing to make that sacrafice.
So am I crazy? Does any of my ramblings make any sense?
-ERC
Protect your money with your life. You are bargaining. DO NOT give up anymore than you have to. DO NOT fear hurting your chances for reconciliation by protecting yourself. Your wife is not at all worried about you.
