Well, here's an update on my M - H and I doing very, very well. No R talk though and I still am feeling very insecure about being "good enough" for him, etc. He is leaving in 2 wks for a year deployment and I'm worried about whether he will be able to be faithful or not. However, I have made the last 3 + months nothing but happy memories for him and since we have began being together again (the last 3 wks or so) things are excellent. He is talking long-term and acting as if nothing ever happened. I have decided to let it go and just trust that he is the one that needs to make the right choices as far as being faithful to me. I don't know that I would DB again if he cheats while he is gone. I have shown him how wonderful our M and family life can be so if he chooses not to honor our vows again, he's gone. BUT I am not going to dwell on that and have faith that all will be fine in the long run.
My H still is not wearing his ring again either and I've chosen to just let that go. I don't even know why he's not wearing it, however, I am choosing to go w/ the happy and quit worrying about the ring issue, the OW and his EA and the fact that he is probably still talking to her as a "friend" and may still talk to her while he's gone.
Our 8th anniversary is in May - although he will be gone for it. My bday is coming up in 2 days and it will be interesting to see what he gets me and especially if he gets me a nice card or something mushy.
Hopefully, in the long run they will realize how good they have it that they have a W who stood by them through all the crap they said & did and remember that the next time they may be tempted to do something stupid again.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I'm glad what I said made you feel better - I know it can help a lot when you start to have little fears so I'm glad I'm able to do the same for someone else.
Yes it is very very hard to get your head around them changing their minds. Like your H mine said some very hurtful things too over the 4 months he was not living with us. Just the other day I had a little bit of a backslide in that I got upset and admitted to him that I worry about him leaving again. He said he didn't understand why after all this time (ie the 4 months he's been back) I didn't feel secure. I tried to explain how the things he'd said had made me feel and he couldn't even remember saying half of them! So I'm sure your H is probably the same. I now think mine had a MLC because he really doesn't seem to recall half of what happened or think it hurt me that much - like err hello!!!??
It must be especially hard with your H going away with work. Mine is still occaisionally staying over at a friends house when he goes on a night out - to save on taxi fares as we live in a village out of town - but he never ever did this before. Like you I don't ask anything but my mind races and comes up with so many scenarios. I think you're right it is best to show we trust them. I know trust was a major issue with my H as he thought I didn't trust him because I didn't like him going out.
I hope you get some romance on your anniversary - you so deserve it. As for the ring. I actually asked my H why he wasn't wearing it - a couple of months after he moved back into our room - and he said he hadn't even thought about it. He never wore it for work anyway and he said it hadn't even really occurred to him that he was or wasn't wearing it. He now religiously puts it back on when he gets home. However before I asked him about it I did move it from where it had been the whole time we were separated and put it somewhere where he couldn't possibly not notice it just to see if that made him put it back on without me saying anything - maybe you could try that if you are unsure of upsetting things by talking to him about it.
Its great to hear you doing so well - I look back at the last few months sometimes and think its so amazing what we have managed to achieve. When I wake up next to my H I feel quite bewildered for a few moments like I can't quite believe I have him again.
Thought i would update you on how things are going.
It was our wedding anniversary yesterday and it went really well. It is amazing to think that this time last year i never thought i would be celebrating any more anniversaries!!!
H put his ring back on at the actual time of day that we got married - i thought that was really thoughtful and a wonderful thing for him to do. we went out for lunch together and he said he couldn't believe that the past year actually happened.
i said that i hoped that there will be many more anniversaies to celebrate and he agreed. so i think that is a DEFINATE, WITHOUT A DOUBT DIVORCE BUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HUGE THANKS AND LOVE TO MICHELE AND ALL WHO HAVE HELPED ME THROUGH THE WORST YEAR OF MY WHOLE LIFE. IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU I WOULD NOT BE HAPPILY MARRIED NOW AND MY BOYS WOULD HAVE A DADDY WHO ONLY VISITS.
wow UL your post has me crying tears of joy for you!! I am so happy for you UL I really am.
That is so sweet that your H thought to put his ring back on at the time you got married - a lot of thought went into that I think. Isn't it great to feel you can say your D is definitely busted.
Well done to you for having the guts and determination to save your M. I am so glad I was able to help in any small way. Thank you for your help saving my M too. Like you I am especially pleased my little boy doesn't have a part time Dad and also I now have the marriage of my dreams instead of wondering when my M was going to get better.
Does your H know that you have been visiting this website and do you think you will ever show him what you have written? Also, i've been trying to find my origional posts on the newcomers site but i can't seem to find them - any ideas on how to do it. I would like to keep a record of them as a reminder of how things were and how they are now.
My H has probably noticed the site name if he looks in the history bit on the computer and I think I mentioned going on it and "chatting" to people while we were separated. He knows about the DR book because at one point when we were appart he borrowed it but only read about 30 pages. In answer to your second question no I wouldn't let him read what I'd written - well not the old stuff anyway because I'd be scared it would rock the boat.
I've looked for my old stuff too and couldn't find it I think maybe they drop off the system after a certain length of time but I don't know for sure.
Hope you're still going strong. My H and I seem to have hit a bit of a rocky patch - not the lets drop a bomb kind but I think I'm maybe starting to try to iron out a few of the niggles I have now I feel more secure about things and its causing problems - plus I still get really upset when I think of the four months he was away. The good thing is though we have both recognised the rough patch and have both said we need to talk it all through calmly so we don't get to where we were before. I don't think it helps that I'm really exhausted. We put S into a bed a few weeks ago so now he can come into our room whenever and wake us up whereas in his cot he used to just settle himself back down.
Hope you're two are OK and that you are happy together with your H.
Not feeling too good at the moment. For the past couple of months i have been gradually feeling more and more depressed. The strong positive person that i became during the separation seems to have completely gone and i don't know how to get her back.
I have gone back to being the person i was before the split and obviously i'm scared that H will want to leave me again. I don't know why it's happened, i should be the happiest person alive - i have everything i could possibly wish for. I am this week, miserable person, who gets everything wrong, i cry all the time, hardly a good role model for my children!! So, i'm not exactly very attractive to H at the moment.
I can't remember how i became the confident, strong person i was a few months ago, but i really wish i could get her back.
I seem to feel worse when H is around, maybe i feel under pressure - i just don't know!
Your post has really struck a chord with me as I feel exactly the same way! Maybe it is an inevitible part of the piecing process and not faults with us. I too have felt myself returning to the "old" me who H left and have been very afraid he will leave again. We have had a talk and whilst H agreed he had slipped back again too he said it was in reaction to me slipping back to the old me - so my fault again then!
I'm trying to find inside me what made me more confident too. It seems we both have exactly the same problem again. Although I think one of the problems for me is that I'm starting to wait for H to be off work to do things again whereas before I was just getting out there and doing it so I'm going to start taking H to work so I can have the car again.
I have been feeling the way you describe for about six weeks and am just starting to feel a little better and happier that H is here to stay.
All I can offer in way of help is to try to think what was different about your days when H wasn't there. If you're like me you may find you've stopped doing some of the things you did to occupy your time and could srart doing them again. Have you talked to H about it? I started conversation with mine by saying I felt I was slipping back to the old person and didn't want to and what did he think. I think you're right about feeling under pressure with H around. I sometimes feel I can't just be myself and complain about something if it is bugging me. I sometimes get tired of keeping my mouth shut.
I hope these little suggestions help you I know they're not much. Good luck UL I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for you. IP
Thanks for replying IP, sorry to hear that you feel the same way.
I have tried talking to H about it and each time i feel really low i try to explain to him how i'm feeling and that i am scared of it all going wrong again, but he always seems to get annoyed. This always ends up the same way - he feels annoyed and i feel unsupported. This was one of our major problems before the split - That "cheeseless tunnel". Finally, the other day we managed to talk about it in a different way and he explained to me that he just doesn't like it when i try to talk about how i feel. He says no matter how much he tries he cannot understand it and he feels as if it is a critisism of him which is why it irritates him. He knows that i want him to be more supportive but by talking about "feelings" just has the opposite effect. So i am going to try not to be so emotional around him and when i feel low (for no apparent reason) i will talk to my sister instead, and when i have a specific problem i will talk to him. It's just like it says in the mars/venus book, men like to solve things, if there is an actual problem they are ok to talk about it but if it is an emotional feeling with no actual answer then they don't really understand what all the fuss is about.
I know i need to go back to doing the things which helped me save our marriage. I am going to list some of them as a reminder to me in case i go off the rails again.
1. Be more decisive 2. Stop analysing everything 3. Choose not to be anxious, just deal with problems if or when they happen. 4. Be more upbeat and positive 5. Think of one task at a time, so as not to get overwhelmed with what needs to be done. 6. Prioritise tasks and be pleased with any achievements. 7. Stop crying in front of him.
I could go on but these should help me get back on track for now.
yup, that's exactly what my H used to say long ago, that when I was miserable and brought it up he just felt he was being a failure and that his effords were just now enough if I was feeling that way.
Even if you don't say anything, your body/face expressions will betray you. So, RELAX!!! each day has its own grief, so just take it one day at a time. Find yourself a project (paint a room, take a hobby, WORK OUT) and find your own peace, your own happiness. And yes, no more crying in front of him!!! seek out your sister or a C.
We all reach a low here and there, so not all is lost ok? it's just a small set back, hang in there gal)))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
wow UL your post has me crying tears of joy for you!! I am so happy for you UL I really am.