Afterall..... This IS my life V

[heatherg]

I'm not really defensive, more frustrated with what I interpret to be mixed messages here.
Back in February, after I got some communicative messages from H that INDICATED to me that he wanted to keep trying, I agreed to give things another year to try to create a NEW relationship. Not to keep going in the same patterns in the same old R, which is what I see happening here. So, while I did agree to another year, it I did not commit to another year of the same old crap. I see the porn as the same old crap BTW. I'd say, probably two months into our reconciliation I asked about the porn. Shockingly, I got the answer I'd always hoped for. My hope was restored, my willingness to try shot up a thousandfold and I was pretty optimistic about our chances. Not to be duped, I followed up. Sure enough, there it was. Not only porn, but I was really stricken by the title of what I found. I'm pretty haunted by the whole thing, granted that is mostly because he refuses to talk about it and my mind likely makes it bigger than it is. But maybe not. Maybe my mind doesn't even know half of what's going on. See, that's the trust missing there, playing games with my head. And my heart. I won't allow that to continue. I am worth more to myself than that.

So, agreed. I am here for another year.

But to stay a year, just because you said you'd stay a year without really committing to it seems like nothing other than putting off the inevitable to me.

I agree. What I see H doing, all these small gestures of affection, is trying to restore the equilibrium in the R. He is trying to sidestep the porn issue by restoring the state of the R to where it was before I found out about the lie. If he can do that and I go along with it, then all is forgiven. Much like sleeping with your partner after you found out they cheated on you....the law says you've forgiven.
If you go along with something, the presumption is that you are ok with it. If you are not ok with it, you need to put a stop to it. I am not ok with what's been going on.

I would like to feel heard by the people who've seen my journey. I'd like some help and suggestions and questions to figure out what 'my way' is and then I'd like some help implementing that in my life and in my M.