Afterall..... This IS my life V

[heatherg]

Something that's confusing me.....I've been told several times by several people on the boards that I need to improve my boundaries and I feel this is true. That's supposed to be about ME, not H.
But everytime I try, people tell me that I need to soften up, become more vulnerable, not be confrontational, not threaten or intimidate or escalate, try to appeal to H in this way or that because he may be feeling this way or that. It's very frustrating.
Can someone please tell me how I can set a boundary that says 'you will not participate in a R with me if you treat me like crap and continue to make choices that go against the things I feel strongly about'. Because I am really trying for that message here....I'm not going to accept small gestures of love, affection, kindness, whatever you want to call it when just a few nights ago, he refused to let me sleep in my bed and told me if I did our R was over, he did not respond at all to my note that told him I loved him or any of my pleas to stop this nonsense, did not respond to my emotional reaction whereby I told him I was certain he did not love me, AND he lied to me about porn and carried on with it behind my back.
It's not ok folks!
I've been asking HOW to implement my boundaries for a long time. Short of walking away, can someone tell me how I'm supposed to implement any sort of boundary that H is going to give one crap about???

[Greeneyedlass]

Hey don't go getting defensive Heather...I'm giving you observations. But then maybe you aren't defensive, it's just how it sounds to me.

However, to answer your question. If I did find Porn or other adult website activity after my H told me he was no longer doing it (which I have if you remember correctly)...he'd get at the most two chances (the one when he already tripped up and I found it and one last one if that happens because as much as I would like to believe he'd go completely cold turkey immediately, it's a habit, and habits take a little time and reinforcement to break for many people) to screw up. Remember, I have been in that situation with my H already, he HAS screwed up once since I uncovered what he was doing, after that screw up he gets ONE last chance, but so far fortunately we haven't needed it. I've made it quite clear to him already that I WILL BE GONE if the behavior continues...there is no waiting a year for me on it. That's my boundary/consequence. YOU have taken that off the table for yourself by committing to the year term and committing to working on things.

So, we have different situations. My view is...as much as you are going to hate this...if you committed to the year...then YOU really need to commit to the year....whether he does or not, you cannot control what he does. If you cannot do that, then based on his behavior (past/present) no one will blame you if you leave....NOT ONE PERSON, myself included. But to stay a year, just because you said you'd stay a year without really committing to it seems like nothing other than putting off the inevitable to me. JMPO

ETA: Heather, I think that when you told him you'd stay for a year and committed to that you gave up a great deal of your power to him in your relationship. I have to wonder sometimes if his behavior isn't a test of sorts (maybe it is, maybe it isn't)....to see how far he can push you before you do up and leave, regardless of what you said about staying a year. He knows you, he knows how to push your buttons. Unfortunately now I don't think you can go back and say "if you continue to behave like this I'm going to rethink my year committment" without losing some serious credibility. Its' a tough situation, I'll admit.

I wonder too...since he's slept out where you are, how about saying something like "either we both sleep in the master bedroom, or we both sleep out here....this sleeping separately situation has gone on long enough. You need to see signs of committment from me, I need to see them from you too...just living under the same roof isn't enough to show "committment"" Just curious what your thoughts are.

[heatherg]

I'm not really defensive, more frustrated with what I interpret to be mixed messages here.
Back in February, after I got some communicative messages from H that INDICATED to me that he wanted to keep trying, I agreed to give things another year to try to create a NEW relationship. Not to keep going in the same patterns in the same old R, which is what I see happening here. So, while I did agree to another year, it I did not commit to another year of the same old crap. I see the porn as the same old crap BTW. I'd say, probably two months into our reconciliation I asked about the porn. Shockingly, I got the answer I'd always hoped for. My hope was restored, my willingness to try shot up a thousandfold and I was pretty optimistic about our chances. Not to be duped, I followed up. Sure enough, there it was. Not only porn, but I was really stricken by the title of what I found. I'm pretty haunted by the whole thing, granted that is mostly because he refuses to talk about it and my mind likely makes it bigger than it is. But maybe not. Maybe my mind doesn't even know half of what's going on. See, that's the trust missing there, playing games with my head. And my heart. I won't allow that to continue. I am worth more to myself than that.

So, agreed. I am here for another year.

But to stay a year, just because you said you'd stay a year without really committing to it seems like nothing other than putting off the inevitable to me.

I agree. What I see H doing, all these small gestures of affection, is trying to restore the equilibrium in the R. He is trying to sidestep the porn issue by restoring the state of the R to where it was before I found out about the lie. If he can do that and I go along with it, then all is forgiven. Much like sleeping with your partner after you found out they cheated on you....the law says you've forgiven.
If you go along with something, the presumption is that you are ok with it. If you are not ok with it, you need to put a stop to it. I am not ok with what's been going on.

I would like to feel heard by the people who've seen my journey. I'd like some help and suggestions and questions to figure out what 'my way' is and then I'd like some help implementing that in my life and in my M.

[heatherg]

"either we both sleep in the master bedroom, or we both sleep out here....this sleeping separately situation has gone on long enough. You need to see signs of committment from me, I need to see them from you too...just living under the same roof isn't enough to show "committment""

Either we both sleep in the master bedroom or we both sleep out here.....or WHAT. I agree wholeheartedly with the statement and I'd love to say it but it is an ultimatum. I could offer the suggestion though.
The biggest issue to me though is that he lied to me and that I don't know what's going on behind my back and that I feel not adequate and not good enough as a result. That is what is tearing me down.

[Crazy Eddie]

I'm sorry to say, it seems to me like neither of you are going to budge on what each thinks they're entitled to do or to expect from their partner, and those beliefs will be forever incompatible unless they are changed on one side or the other.

This is the exact meaning of the term "irreconcilable differences".

But you've agreed to a year. You can use that year to see if either of you can let go of their beliefs as to what they may do or what they may expect or both. I'm thinking not, but maybe the horse will learn to sing after all.

[Greeneyedlass]

He is trying to sidestep the porn issue by restoring the state of the R to where it was before I found out about the lie. If he can do that and I go along with it, then all is forgiven.

So bring it up and talk to him about it again Heather. Tell him that this is what you feel is happening and that if it is...that all is not ok with the porn issue. Or have you already told him that you think this is what he's doing?

It's unfortunate but you two have some major issues going on and they aren't going to be resolved easily. I wish they could be, but they won't. I think I may have said this before but have you said to him "your continuing to view porn after telling me you've stopped only reinforces for me that YOU aren't committing to this relationship. Why is it ok for you to expect me to commit fully when you aren't willing to?"

[Greeneyedlass]

Either we both sleep in the master bedroom or we both sleep out here.....or WHAT.

Heather, there is no third option. Give him two choices both of you in the bedroom, or both of you on the couch...it's not an ultimatum either. It's amazing how many times if you give someone a third option that is an out they will take it, however if you leave the "out" out of the choices, they will often pick one of the other options. Of course they sometimes throw in their own out, but if they do then you can employ the phrase I threw in below.

If you two are committing to this relationship then tell him something like, "this is a place to begin showing OUR commitment, so it's up to you (meaning it's up to him) to choose...both of us in the bedroom, or both of us on the couch. Since we have chosen to remain man and wife we ought to sleep like man and wife." Why give him an out on it? I'm just picking this one thing that appears to be a sore point with the two of you. Perhaps there might be an easier thing to tackle?

[SouthernGirl]

If she does that, and he says "nope, I'm going to stay right here in the bedroom, and if you attempt to come in again I'll go somewhere else, and please put 2000$ on my account Monday?"

Like I said, I don't think pushing will work in his case.

Heather, I'm not you. Me, I'd let the porn go. Straightforward pictures-only porn, without actually talking to some real person like on AFF, is something 90% of guys do, and 10% lie about it. (Statistic made up on the spot by SouthernGirl). I personally wouldn't care. Maybe you do, and that's your right. But you still have to consider what kind of a person you're dealing with.

I personally wouldn't blame you at all if you up and left, right this minute. I'm only saying that, if you really want to stay that year, you might try to approach him like I outlined before. Otherwise, you'll only waste another year of precious youth in an entrenched war. That doesn't mean you can't still, once your year is up (or at any time in between) up and leave. You always have that choice even if you don't continually wave it in his face, kwim? You're free, and always will be.

[Greeneyedlass]

If she does that, and he says "nope, I'm going to stay right here in the bedroom, and if you attempt to come in again I'll go somewhere else, and please put 2000$ on my account Monday?"

Then I would tell him "that's YOUR choice not mine, and a sign of your commitment to us."

This is all stuff "I" would do, just stuff to throw out at Heather and see what sticks since she's looking for ideas.

[SouthernGirl]

"This is all stuff "I" would do, just stuff to throw out at Heather and see what sticks since she's looking for ideas.

Same here. I'm only throwing out ideas, Heather. You know your sitch and your h best.