LL, I've asked myself these same questions. Like you, my W has been "distant" for many years, it ever so gradually getting worse each successive year. Throughout the years, I've provided a nice home, have been attentive to her needs, and take a very active role raising our children. I have not been perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I have "been there" for her and have loved her through all of these years.
Like you, I think we got married because it was the next step...at least in her mind this was the case. Since we went through that infatuation stage the first two years of our life when we were 15 and 16, we have not experienced it in our adult lives. Well, at least she hasn't.
Why do we love these people? I don't really know (RJJ do they have a male version of this book you are reading?). Is it healthy? Don't know that either...but it is what it is. I think, when I really look at the situation carefully, is that my W has had some "issues" for many years that she has never overcome. Our life has been one big distraction after another...until finally these issues overcame her. Maybe it's the same with your H? It seems to me that our Ses need to go on their own "walkabout" and determine why they are not "feeling happy." I think OW was a distraction for you H...as OM was a distraction for my W. Our Ses need to get their sh!t together and get happy. I'll tell you what, if my W doesn't, I'm going to move along without her. I WILL NOT deal with her crap for the rest of my life. It sounds like you're having the same stirrings.
Now, how to get your H to go on his "walkabout"...
