I know it's all so hard and scary and frustrating right now. Don't beat yourself up for needing to hear H's voice to feel better--I've been there too. I think it hurts worse to hear his voice and know he has nothing to give you when you need comfort so desperately.
This is the hardest thing you'll ever face (I hope), but honey, you have to detach, pull yourself together and start DBing. Not for your M or your H, but for YOU!
What do you have to lose? Nada. Let him go, find peace and joy every day--despite the pain--focus on what you do have and feel gratitude for it. Good feelings grow, what you focus on expands.
Time is on your side. It's so hard to realize that everything will not be the same next week/month/year as it is today, but everything changes, and if you can take care of yourself, things will get better.
