all the advice given is precisely what I should do. But before I can do that, my W needs to respect the boundaries I have given her.....or else all I do is in vain.
This is not necessarily true. Of course your W needs to make some drastic changes. When it comes down to it, (and I realize I don't know every detail of your sitch) true autonomy is choosing your actions entirely on your own--regardless of whether she decides to meet your demands or not.
You need to follow the advice you're receiving REGARDLESS of W's choices/actions. It's all for you! Certainly, if she doesn't meet your demands, you have the choice to do as you feel best, but don't hold off on doing the self-improvement you know you need and blame it on her refusal to budge. No one is telling you to go against your true self. Just trying to help you find it.
No part of your experience is in vain if you become a better person for it. That has nothing to do with W. She's an easy excuse, but ultimately it's all up to you.
