so when h called this am I asked him how much money he won and he said nothing, I said oh so you just lost 500? (and no I didn't say it with any attitude hell it's all his money any way and the bills are getting paid so it didn't come out of our mouths) h says, what are you talking about...I let him know I saw the betting slip. h says buddie bet...then went on into some ramblings of how he didn't bet anything that he put the call in for the other bets that if he had made those bets he would have made alot of money but betting on these teams wasn't of interest to him...all with an attitude mind you. eventually I mention the money and the money he spends on the appartment and not wanting to pay for me to go to school...silence then "I have a deal worked out with him" (him the appartment owner is a customer, been nice if I knew that but I don't really believe it) then h had to go...h can never talk...there is never a good time for him to talk and this I let him know...doesn't want to go to c to talk but doesn't want to talk at home either...h then said "give me a f-ing break" I hung up. there's your f'ing break!
I don't know and really wonder if I even care anymore. why the hell did I marry this man? I didn't even feel that he loved me when he proposed so why did I accept, I didn't feel that he loved me when we married so why did I have a child with him? I still didn't feel that he loved me so why did I move away and build a house with him? I still didn't feel he loved me so why did I have a second child with him? I still didn't feel he loved me so why after his a did I want to "try", I still didn't feel that he loved me while he walked away and told me that he didn't love me so why did I then still want to "try", I still didn't feel that he loved me when he came back so why did I let him...did I really think anything would change???
I don't like the life I see h and I having because it is not a life that h and I will have it is a life that he will have and I will have but WE will not be anything more than aquantances....maybe he should leave and be alone come visit his kids and be with ow...the one he really loves.
I don't want this life!! I feel trapped, I feel controlled, I feel suffocated, I feel deprived, I feel insecure, I feel misserable, I feel like I justify "trying" because of the kids and the efforts that I do see h making but they are not really efforts toward becoming closer to me they are efforts at getting closer to the kids and a "peacfull" co-exhistance and frankly I want more than that!!
I deserve more than that. I don't think I will ever be truly happy with h and the only way I make myself happy is to think that eventually all r's just end up this way after the initial "feelings" wear off, but honestly I know that is not true! h doesn't love me the way a man should love a woman!!
