It is Hard to Take Baby Steps

[Upside]

Monday, I had called my H to apologize about what happened at the party on Sunday. He seemed to accept my apology but then, I had to ask what was going on with us. All he wanted to do then was to get off the phone. Again, I just wanted an answer and had difficulty letting him off the phone. He told me he would call me later that night (his usual tactic now to end the conversation) and he did. When he called, I had friends over so at first he told me to call him later, but then changed his mind and told me he was still angry and didn't want to talk. I didn't call him back.

Yesterday, I had to go by my H's office (I do his bookkeeping). When I was there, I asked him for a truce which he said he accepted. I was just going to leave it at that, but I again I could not help myself from asking what we are doing with our R/M. Again, he couldn't tell me. His only response was "give it a couple of days". I tried to give him a kiss but he backed away. I bit my lip and left.

Well, today I am really going to focus on some personal baby steps.

1. Shift my focus from R/M to me and kids
2. Try not to not ask H about the status of our R/M and try to avoid talking about our R/M
3. Try to restore some normalcy/routines to my life (this has been difficult since the move and then the separation)
4. Try to have minimal contact with my H for a while (I seem to feel stronger when I do this)
5. Never mention D again until I am absolutly sure that is what I want
6. Do not try to manipulate my H or push his buttons (I mentioned to my H that I am going to start dating if he can't give me answers...I know, I know).
7. Remind myself that I am emotional strong and I can get through this


Well, there is a few for starters. I welcome other suggestions.

[Upside]

There has been no contact between my H and me since Tuesday when I went by his office and he said to "give it a couple of days".

I did have a pretty good day yesterday and last night, I actually got the probably best night of sleep that I have had in months. I feel good today.

I need some advice for today please. I need to go by my H's office to drop off paychecks. Also, we have a MC appointment tomorrow. I have no idea if he is going to go to it after the events of the last weekend. Should I go to the office and mention nothing of the MC appointment or should I ask him if he is planning on still going (I would feel better know one way or the other)? Other options are to not take the paychecks knowing he will eventually contact me or drop off the checks to someone else in the office and try to avoid seeing him at all.

Obviously, I am not good at putting on a happy face when my insides feel like they are being ripped out. Does this seem silly that I stress about something as simple as this?

[Concerned_Listener]

UD,
You're in the early stages of learning to detach. You're not in a position of strength to be talking too much to him, or having R conversations. I would avoid seeing him, and hope that he shows-up for MC. If it's important to him, he'll be there.

I'm glad to hear that you're sleeping better. I liked the list of goals you made for yourself. I think you're starting to turn the corner into coping better with your situation.

CL

[ourcrisis]

UD, if he already knows about the appt, there is no need to remind him. It is HIS responsibility and decision to go or not. If he does not, don't ask him about it. You go and take care of yourself.
You already realized that pushing him to talk is useless. Now it is just a matter of learning how not to do it. good luck and take care

[Upside]

Thanks for the advice CL & OC. I wish I had better news.

I went to my H's office on Thursday to drop off checks and I was trying to miss him but that didn't happen. I made it as brief as I could besides he was talking with someone when I came in. He sent me a text after that thanking me for dropping off the checks and apologized for not being able to "chat". Anyway, I never did talk to him about the MC appointment at all and well, he didn't show up today. I know he knew about the appointment because he input it into his Blackberry when we made the appointment 2 weeks ago. He didn't call or even text me to give me an excuse as to why he couldn't make it. So, like you said, "If it's important to him, he'll be there." I obviously know now that it isn't important to him. My C thinks he is just avoiding dealing with things and that I should give him until the end of the month. After that, if he isn't making any real attempt to R, then I should move forward with the D. He also thinks that my H shouldn't be dumping all the blame when it comes to our R talks that don't go so well. The C was surprised by my H's recent actions because he thought my H was very sincere at our last session about taking baby steps to R.

I guess my only option at this point is to go very dim (not quite dark) and prepare myself for a D. This is all so crazy. I don't understand how people can play with someone's emotions like this...especially someone that you have known and trusted for such a long time.

On top of all of this, I now have a new dilemma. I met a guy that seems pretty nice a few weeks ago through a friend. He has innocently asked me to lunch...he made it sound like it was for business purposes but I have my doubts about that. I am getting mixed opinions from my friends and family on whether or not I should go. I need all the friends I can get right now. Please let me know your thoughts.

[mjs1]

Don't know everything about your sitch but I say don't do it. If you have suspicions that there is more than just business then you are probably right. If you have to go due to work then arrange to have others there. It can only lead to the waters becoming muddier and possibly give your husband ammo for his actions.

[Upside]

Thanks for you thoughts mj. I am a little torn. Like I said, I need all the friends I can get right now. My H doesn't seem to have any problem coming up with ammo when I didn't even really give him any. Right now he is acting like he doesn't care what I do and at the moment I am losing hope of saving my M. So, is it wrong start a new friendship with a member of the opposite sex?

[mjs1]

You have to ask yourself do you really want to save your marriage? Is starting this friendship going to bring your towards your goal or further from it. If its friendship you want then seek it from members of the same sex. Its safer. I know how you feel. Sometimes about just meeting someone of the opposite sex to be friends with but the truth of the matter is I am looking to ease my pain. Not sure if you are a believer or not but if you are then prayer is a huge help. It doesn't look like you guys have been separated that long. GIve it some more time and keep applying what you learn here. I just feel that if you truly love your husband and want to be reunited then starting a friendship with another man is not where you want to be right now.

God Bless

[Upside]

mjs1, your advice makes a lot of sense but today (since he no showed for our MC appt. yesterday)I am questioning if I really want to continue the fight for my marriage. To me, my husband isn't acting like the man I married and don't I love the man he is now. I absolutely love the man I married but it seems like a crap shoot whether or not he will ever be anything like he was. Everyday that this goes on, everytime he hurts me, I seem to care a little less. If my husband just gave me some signs that he truly cared, I could stay in this with my whole body and soul, but when I get nothing from him, my will to fight seems to fade.

I have been praying to God to help save my marriage and guide me in the right direction. It does seem like some of those prayers are being answered by letting me move forward with some things in my life. Here are some examples...looks like I am probably going to be buying a new home, which is something I truly need to help me feel more settled (My H wanted to buy my father's house so we moved in and right after, we separated. We never did complete the purchase which is okay with my father. The house is too big for me and the kids and it just doesn't feel like home to me). I also bought a new car (with no help from my H) which is further evidence that I am moving forward plus I have the opportunity to establish new friendships (but I am struggling with that issue).

Okay this is my latest dilemma...
The house I possibly might buy just fell out of escrow and became available. I did put a deposit down on the house to hold it but I will have to open escrow (30 day) the first part of the week. I have not talked to my H about this because I am trying to go dim (haven't really spoken to him since Tuesday when he said to "give it a couple of day"). I know my H liked the house (we looked at the models long before we seperated) well enough and I know he is not comfortable in my father's home. I would definately want to colaberate with my H about the purchase but since I do not see us really piecing anytime soon, if we ever do, does it really make sense to do that? Do I move forward with purchasing the house or do I continue to wait to see what happens with my H? I know I am on a roller coaster and tomorrow will proably feel more like my M is worth saving so, I'm not sure if I should take the risk of making matters worse for us. Your opinions are greatly appreciated!!!

[Concerned_Listener]

UD,
Buying a new home seems out-of-step with your situation. You're living in a home that you haven't made a financial commitment to, so you have some freedom. Why lessen your freedom with the purchase of a home? Why not move into something that has a shorter commitment, such as an apartment?

You don't know what direction you're situation is going. Much can change over the next months. You need the flexibility to make changes. I vote NO for buying a house.

I can understand being discouraged when your H is not showing any signs of wanting to work on the M. Three months into a separation is still early. You two are still in a "settling the muddy waters," phase. I'm glad to see you refraining from pursuing your H, and thinking about what you can do to take care of you.

We have to learn to accept that we can't know the answers to some of our questions, until the story evolves. We also have to learn to work with anger and other distressing emotions, and not be invested in perpetuating our grievances towards our WAS. They are not doing this to harm us, but are struggling with their own issues.

We have to learn to cultivate joy, compassion, and kindness in our interactions with them and others in our lives. We have to learn to be grateful for the kindness and support they've given us over the years, and positives they currently bring to our lives. We have to learn to not focus exclusively on how they're disappointing us.

The LBS has much to practice!

CL