had a head full of things to say but now don't really know how to put any of it.

I fluctuate back and forth for how I feel about h and how I feel he feels about me. (sheesh is it ok to use feel that much in a sentance??)

this certainly would be a whole lot easier if h would talk to me openly about his feelings but that is just not his way.

the party last night was a lot of fun...I have such great friends!! h was good too...he lit the bon-fire and hung out with us. he does do some things that are odd but they are just him. like while everyone was out at the fire after a while he came inside to watch some tv. while the last of the guests where hanging out with me (two of were "his" friend) he escaped to the puter to check the weather. some people view this behaviour as rude and inconsiderate and often at times I would too...it's not very hostly but h didn't come from that type of family so how would he know any different? actually I recall the christmas party that we had that ended up being mostly his employees and one of my friends and h in the middle of the party took off to the puter to listen to his football clip thing. ( I don't know what to make of that kind of behaviour, it's not knew it's just him is probably why he doesn't have many friends)

tonight he is at his cousins watching the game and plans to come home after?? perhaps the "plans to come home" is due to the fact that it's supposed to snow and he may have to go out plowing so he'd stay at that damn appartment.

I really don't know how to be with a man like my h. h does his own thing, goes about his business and until ow I would have thought h honestly could just be alone and be happy but why the ow??? suppose I will never be able to figure that out and the longer I try to the more bitter and frustrated I will become...BUT (yeah yeah I know me and my buts) are we not supposed to identify why the affair happend? what needs weren't being met? etc..

I do not know what h's needs are...and if I don't know what h's needs are how can I keep him happy??? I did ask this of h recently (ok that crappy conversation on the way home from the ski trip) and h said "do you hear me complaining?" well of course my response was "no, but you weren't complaining before either, you just went off and found someone else" so you see what am I to do with h??

my needs are starting to be met??? are h's? what are h's needs?

this is a question I asked him when he first decided that he wanted to come home.

I had asked what he was afraid of in comming home.

comming home and having "it" not be there.

what is "it"

happiness

what do you need to be happy

I don't know

how do you intend to figure that out

well first of all to stop spending time with ow and do alot of soul searching.

ok


well I still haven't gotten an answer...I don't know if "it" is here for him.

I don't know and there is no way for me to truly gauge it all. is he giving me the things I want because he just wants me to be happy or is he giving me the things I want because I am making him happy?? what am I supposed to give him?? I thought I was doing everything for him but he went to someone else and left and the explenations that I've gotten haven't given me much to work with.

LL sorry that was long and went no where but better here than in my head I suppose.