Yes, you're making perfect sense, and I totally understand where you're coming from. But I still think that, if your h is the sort of guy I think he may be, that he will never say things along the lines of "yes, it was wrong to lie to you. I'm very sorry, and it won't happen again" ... until he is already way back into the r. Even then, he might never say it, but show you. By not looking at porn by himself again, and maybe make an oblique reference to it that lets you know he did "get" it, and "is" sorry. He already knows what he did was wrong, or he wouldn't try to make those elaborate excuses. If he's that "type" I'm thinking of, he's got a very elaborate, if internal, sense of ethics that'll tell him loudly enough when he messes up.
With a guy like that, vulnerability is your only effective tool. Think Southern Belle. Because deep down, he doesn't want to hurt you. Freeze him out, and he'll freeze back, and I assure you he can last twice as long as you can, and then some.
I'd give it a try. I don't mean be supplicating, just kind. And vulnerable. And accepting. What have you got to lose? You're there for a year. Might as well try something different.
Southerngirl, this is how my H is too. If I act defensively/aggressively/stubbornly towards him...he will do it back harder. Then if I continue to act defensive etc it only goes to justify his behavior in his mind...it gets me nowhere really fast.
Heather when I read your post about the things your H was attempting to do (offer you the 1st bath, tousseling your hair etc, sleeping by you) I wondered "what exactly is her attitude gaining her here?" Now, please understand that's what I thought. Do I understand the resentment? Oh sure. But what really did your defensiveness gain you? It's another example IMPO where you are letting your resentment override reason. There were some opportunities to build closeness, granted they were on his terms...but they were opportunities nonetheless IMPO.
I remember you saying you wouldn't be the one making any further grand gestures, well it seems to me...that in some ways your H WAS making some gestures towards YOU. You have THREE instances where he was trying to do something with you in mind, three instances IMPO where he may have been trying to connect....although they may not have been the huge grand gestures you were looking for but you rebuffed them.
