I guess I was possibly looking for a small bit of hope left that my H was withdrawing from me due to all the guilt he feels but that this too, would pass and he'd eventually come to me to talk about all of this.
Hmmm...what would RCR say? You know me, thus you should be able to craft part of my response without me.
There is ALWAYS Hope; it springs eternal.
You are asking questions to which you already have and know answers--and you've answered them yourself in the post. So why the doubt. Everyone here wants to validate that two years is a long time. And sure, it's a long time for someone to Stand without direct signs from the MLCer. Though you had multiple indirect signs. The question I quote way below is an example. What some of this comes down to is your responses.
And in MLC two years isn't a long time. You are not in MLC...so it is long for you. But notice how everyone wants to come in and validate that. (Santhony I'm not picking on you, I see it all the time) That people say this shows they may not be willing or able to Stand for that amount of time...and/or that they don't get or Accept MLC. So many give up now--where you are--or before. We don't have real statisitcs on how many [would] return because the door is shut in their face by the LBS.
Often it's shut literally by divorce and the LBS saying early on...absolutely not. But there are more subtle ways to close the dor slowly...so for that go to my discussion following the quote below.
Your husband is what I will call and MLC classic. Everyone is different and all MLCers are different. But he seems to be following the classic route. Replay, DEEP Depression, Withdrawal...Yes, this is Withdrawal. It's the stage that I personally don't understand well...so I package it as a subphase of Depression.
Let's review LIMINAL Depression is the bottom of the chasm--rock bottom. It is here that a person faces his demons. Those demons are lost, repressed, suppressed and denied fragments of Self. Some are beautiful, but perhaps they were not accepted and shameful in the eyes of his parents...an aptitude for Art or Creativity. Some are shameful things done to or by him. Some are about those childhood issues from the phases he skipped (wounded developmental phases) in childhood and needed to relive in Replay.
Replay is the time where the Persona--the mask we wear--is breaking up. The person is frightened and is trying to avoid this loss of Self. At the Depression before the fall into the Depths, the mask is stripped off...facilitating the fall. Some hang onto the ledge, scramble out and revisit Replay wihtout a mask...repeating this multiple times before finally falling.
So in LIMINAL Depression the person has no SELF...or not one he recongizes. His true Self is there...and it is that Self he must come to know in Withdrawal and Acceptance.
After facing the Demons the person must reintegrate the fragments of self. Some will be released, some will become a part of him.
I still don't get Withdrawal...It is the end of Depression AND the beginning of Acceptance. It is perhaps the phase of releasing those fragments that he does not want...example: physical or sexual abuse. Releasing doesn't mean forgetting. It means they will no longer be given energy. It is a forgiving. If this is where a person determines what to keep and what to let go, it makes sense that he would withdraw. He needs to take the time to come to forgiveness and say goodbye with blessing.
Acceptance is the final stage. This is reintegration of the fragmented Self. Not merely the fragmanets that were lost the demons, but reacall, the entire persona broke apart. Shamans go through this and it is expereinced as complete physical dismemberment. So he now has to put Humpty Dumpty together again. This takes time. Stages 3-5 are relived during this time. Why? Well, this person has always been buried within, but having been buried, it is new to him. He has to get to know himSelf. So he's going to take it for a ride.
Quote:
H said to me in Feb., "don't you think it's just too far gone now?"
And what did you answer...that is the more important piece of information. The question was a beautiful test. It didn't mean he was ready...and thus your answer wouldn't bring him running back suddenly...but it would add to the foundation and be something for him to file away for when he IS ready. Notice I didn't say may or might be ready...someday, he will be ready.
These are the little tests where the LBS can slowly lessen the distance between the door and the doorway, or where she can widen it or at least maintain that it is open. I was asked versions of tha same question...many of us were and will be.
"don't you think it's just too far gone now?" No Sweetheart; there is no such thing as too far gone. I haven't gone anywhere.
And he may respond with a disagreement a Whatever, or something else. His response is irrelevant. He will file the information away and access it when ready.
I also consistently let Sweetheart know that I would not date or marry anyone else--ever (while he is alive). I didn't add guilt to the statement. And that's tough. Many will feel guilt anyway, so I had to make sure that with the statement it was also clear through how I was living my life that I wasn't waiting around pining, but was happy. I let him know that I was fine without another person...I don't need anyone else, but I want you. Your small texts to him are excellent. Don't expect a response...he receives them, cherishes them and files them away.
What he feels guilty for in your relationship--this crisis in particular are some of the demons he must release. He's now sorting through the pile of fragments and determining what to keep and what to burn. How do you feel going through old photo albums, letters, maybe school work and such? It always takes me a long time as each item is a memory...do I want to get rid of that memory or cherish it as a part of me forever. Is it a bad memory that brings up negative emotion, fills me with anger at myself or a person who did something to me?
Hope, Can you email me? There are some things I want to say in private. Sweetheart gets home around 11am and is off tomorrow...so my posting and checking time is limited. So I am not be able to resond immeditaely. He is back at work n Friday--and I may try to go to work...we'll see what the doctor says. But I check my email regularly...even if I don't have time to respond.
